“How often in life we complete a task that was beyond the capability of the person we were when we started it.” ~Robert Brault
This paragraph sums up how it is that I began my journey to find myself, in a state of total mentalness, upside down and backwards, emotionally and mentally in need of something bigger than I.
I recall early on in my writing, when I was driven to paper for my head couldn’t hold the juxtaposition between what my old beliefs wanted me to do, and the new emerging me challenged, how incredible inept I was at being me.
Two drastically different approaches to life, one driven by the outside the other by the inside.
The new emerging inside me seemed to have this amazing and tantalzing connection that was beyond anything I had ever experienced, its orchestration would leave me speechless and totally supported.
No matter the most dire of situations, I found humor and incredulousness at the audacity it expressed to bring me awareness at just how off base I had lived my life.
The condition of my old self was unstable at best, blind and totally caught in a web of religious and family restrictions, tied down and gagged.
There is no way in hell, this girl should have been able to extricate her self from that old life with no self esteem and self worth. She had nothing within her to guide her, yet she set out anyway, poorly packed, no destination, alone on a trail she had no clue where it was leading, and if that new person would be someone she would even like.
I am not certain how far into this journey I am, or who I will be when it is all said and done, but I am totally amazed that someone like me has gotten this far.
It is indeed by the Grace of God, go I.
What is so thrilling to me is that the person I started out as and who I am today don’t even resemble each other.
One was lost in the darkness without awareness.
The other became aware of the darkness.
“I was blind, but now I see.”
It is like heading out blind for a destination unknown and finding it. Who is more amazed than me? Oh my God, if you only knew how big a task this has been, to tear your life apart while you are living it.
And I am not done, my journey isn’t over, and actually it feels as if I have just begun.
As my friend said, “it is like having a life review while alive…”
It is like watching the old me die while a new me is being born, or the old me birthing the new me.
