The way I described this past Christmas was an ugly beautiful one, where inside I was so dark and the outside so light, how mental psyche steers my world, not the decorations on the outside.
I was clearly shown that no matter how I orchestrated and decorated and baked and made perfect the outside, it had no influence upon my inner world.
It wasn’t even a blue Christmas it was black.
Frozen darkness inside…is that called depression?
Yet it was a moving depression where I was working on the outside to cheer me up inside.
I always pictured depression as sitting in a stupor, unable to move. Is there a moving depression or a fallacy that if you can create a warm peaceful atmosphere you will have the same inside?
What I think I thought, was that if you were dark inside you could change it up on the outside to help alleviate the feelings, yet what needs to happen is that you have to go deeper into the feelings, leaving the outside alone.
When I started to spiral into darker feelings, I kept
cleaning, instead I should have stopped and sat with my feelings.
Writing and exploring why I felt the way I felt.
I wonder if depression is repressed feelings, if denying them and focusing on changing the environment you live in, instead of investigating your feelings and relationships is the cause?
What I feel is I was given a real life experience, situations and feelings that represented the flavor of my childhood, and then a dream to show where the seed was planted, how my mental psyche was developed.
A main piece of the puzzle was cleared up for me.
My father was happy and desiring me.
And I was happy to please him.
The sheer terror wasn’t there, perhaps too young to know…in my mind no terror.
And my head seemed detached from my body.
My body and head separated.
Hence, no memory in my head, but my body held on tight to the trauma.
I am filled with admiration for the little girl who so bravely withstood such trauma, who did her best to please in the most horrific of circumstances, all she wanted was her daddy to be happy.
When it is over, and the child seems ‘unaffected’ it is because they no longer are one.
The mind and the body separated.
The body holds the truth while the mind was elsewhere.
Bikram Yoga is about bringing the mind back to the body.
In the 360 days that have passed, I have missed 32 days, days in which I was working so hard to reconnect my head to the rest of my body.
To live as mind body and soul.
Yoga is the yoke that joined them back together.
