As I read back a few days in my blog, I saw where the trimmings had a hold of me and almost ruined Christmas, and then the actions and expectations did the job the trimmings had started.
It is like negative energy travels from item to person to thing, to any place in my world to latch on, and if I am not aware where my power is, it slips in and takes over.
What I believe happens as well, as the busier you are the more unaware you become, so busy doing you forget to be.
My Christmases of past were very busy doings, they wore me out to the last drop of energy, it was what I thought was needed to make a great Christmas to do over and beyond what you normally do.
To put your self into trimming the house, oodles of gifts, baking, card sending, wrapping your self up into a dozen places until there is no you left.
Exhausted and depleted.
A manic Christmas cheer.
Taking the season of giving into a manic state of doing and overdoing and then doing yet more.
This holiday season is a playground for those of us who have ‘responsibility addictions’ who feel we carry the power to make others happy. It is like a drugstore of places for us to get our hits.
There should be a warning label on Christmas.
“Be careful not to give your self away.”
I had a very odd dream on Christmas Eve, well actually very early Christmas morning, as I awoke from it, it left me knowing its content was a metaphor for how I lived my life.
It isn’t a nice dream, but I will state it here anyway.
I became aware I was in the back of a station wagon, face down, naked from the waist down, I was a young girl and I was watching a man approaching the side of the car, the windows are open and I hear him say my maiden name. In the middle seats are young kids, and the feeling I have is that I will offer my body to him to spare them. He climbs on my back and does his thing. I don’t feel anything, except that I am making him happy.
When I awoke from this dream it seemed like a complete metaphor for my life.
How I will be a whore for another and I will do so to spare another pain, I will abuse my body for the sake of others.
It stayed with me this ugly dream on Christmas day.
Its contents a visual of how I navigated life in co-dependency, how I will use my body in two ways for the pleasure of others and to spare pain for the innocent, to protect them I will abuse to my body.
How others use my body was clearly displayed with my approval and willingness.
Perhaps I needed that shocking dream to wake me up to how I get lost in another’s life.
And what was so telling was the age of this young girl, as I caught sight of her in the rearview mirror, very blonde hair and young body, her flat chest, being strong beyond her years, willing to suffer for another.
Courageously selflessly boldly the sacrificial lamb.
Perhaps I don’t have images of my child abuse, but this is as close as it gets.
And what I feel was that I truly didn’t focus on his deed and my pain, but his happiness and who I spared.
What began at the moment of abuse was the fragmentation of living life for self.
It is there my responsibility gene was developed and pruned, where I became the pleaser and the saver.
Where I stopped caring for me.