A letter of apology to my daughters, for I have taught you wrong, all my selfish pleadings to do well for me, as created within you a program, that is better to give than receive.
To give up your attention on self and in return receive accolades of a job well done.
To wear proudly the tag of people pleaser, to lower your boundaries bit by bit to take on more and more, until you are swimming in a life that is minus of you.
I taught you to please me.
I taught you to do for me.
I taught you to think like me, dance for me, talk for me, and become a victim JUST like me.
To let go of your own needs, to be the need pleaser of many, to be in a vacuum of Other inside of you.
Where your first and only concern is Other.
Helping other, feeling other, healing other, dealing other, pleasing other, loving other, seeing other, with only a teeny tiny smidgen of space, a speck that is truly just for you.
By the time adult friendship and relationships are due to arrive, you have your role all mapped out, you will be drawn and have feelings for the deepest hurt, the most messiest, and jump in and begin to save, rescue and recreate a better life for them.
I taught you to love the messiest, I taught you to love me. So, love for you is to find the lowest among us, the most selfish and the most wounded, and you will allow them to abuse you as I did.
I didn’t let you be you, I needed you to help hold up me. For inside of me was nothing of self. You had to be my self.
I never let your self be born, to let it flourish, prosper, life in its full light, instead I used you to also.
I used you making you a victim to me.
Unknowingly I needed you to fix me.
The past six years I have spent fixing me, what I failed to notice is that the fixing I am doing, may not be enough to overflow on to you.
You may have to fix yourself.
To rescue a speck of self and slowly nurture it to bloom as you.
I covered up that little bright self, each time I hollered in fear, when I needed you to look a certain way, act a certain way for you had to make me a better me.
It was your job. I assigned it to you as a baby.
All your accomplishments were to make me better.
To shield the fact that within me lay nothing but a wounded victim, not a whole mom.
I wasn’t a mom, I didn’t know how to be.
I was victim posing as a mom.
I used your little lives and little bodies to cover-up my deficiencies.
And now, I fear that this is the only role you know.
That you are destined to a life of serving Other and neglecting you.
You all have served me well, and I am sickened by this and feel to the depth of my being, that the legacy that I was born in has its tentacles in you.
And there is nothing now that I can do to make you shine bright inside of you. No amount of praise, love and attention will melt away the program set as a child.
It will be up to each of you to reset your inside, to find the Spirit of self, to set up boundaries, to find a value of self, and I am setting you to this task with very little self.
It can be done, and it has been done.
I found a me inside of me buried deep waiting.
She is who you now have as a mother, a reformed victimizer, and sadly she now has to sit and watch the affects of years spent being abused by me, play it self out.
The legacy is hard to get out from beneath, and harder still to watch in real life continuing on slurping up another life.
My greatest plea as I lay in tears on my yoga mat, was if this is my lesson, I got it. I got it, and please let my children get it too.
The saddest day of my life is to see too much, to feel to much, to know the intricacies of the legacy, of living a soulless life, to see what I created.
It is like I wanted puppets to please me, but the puppets are only set to please messy people, selfish people, mentally unbalanced people, and I can’t reset them to be puppets to self.
To turn all those wonderful attributes and let them serve you.
Love you.
Feel you.
Please you.
All the love and attention I needed from you, I now need you to turn that back to you.
Be the most wonderful caring loving trusting self to your self.
I am sorry.
I love you.
Words mean nothing, actions speak loudly.
You have witnessed myself in the past six years taking care of my self.
I am here to help you be you.
I pray it is not too late...can I be stronger than the legacy I planted?
