IMPERFECT Lady

I answer...

The faint lines between your business and mine oftentimes blur when it contains the life of you my child, when you bring into my life energies that affect me.

It is crucial to separate and to focus on what is my business and at the same time hand back to you yours.

While I can’t change your behaviors and don’t want them to change for me, I do want to maintain the integrity of our relationship.

There has been a breach and I feel it is only right for me to state how it makes me feel.

It isn’t up to me to change you, but I feel it is only right to state how it will affect the you and me.

The relationship we had previous didn’t have lies, it didn’t have secrets, it had integrity and character, and I am unsure what this will mean to us in the long run to have this vein running through us, it seems to weaken the us.

Inside of our relationship you have brought changes that will define our future, changes that I accept or decline.

What happens if I accept that lying is an okay part of our relationship?

What happens if secrets are okay?

Who then do we become?

Are we not just playacting a good relationship?
Not only is the relationship with self in jeopardy but each relationship you have, for in every relationship you bring you.

If you treat your self less, we all feel the less of who you are in our relationship.

The light goes out, the feelings are dim, and we feel that.

To me the second part of any relationship is to say what you need to say, to speak how the actions are affecting you, letting the other know how you feel.

The relationship dance is twofold; no one gets to have more power.

Each of us owns a set of feelings and a voice, it is up to us to express and share.

My business is to share my feelings or hide them, to speak up or sit silently, to show her how my feelings are changing.

She changes and I change.

We are separated but move in the dance of life together as long as we have a relationship.

We relate to each other.

When you do lie I feel lied to.
When you do something loving, I feel love.

We are readers of each other, what you give to me I take in its full integrity, I no longer change it, but accept it as it is given.

Your actions come across to me clearly, I read you like a book, there is no mistaking their meanings, what you are doing is speaking to me loud and clear, I am just echoing back how it feels to be on the receiving end.

That is my business.

I tell you how I feel.

Your lies to me are lies about your self.
You are trying not to show me who you are.
I see behind the lies, I watch the actions; the wordy lies fall empty at my feet.

Our relationship is only as good as the two people in it.

You bring you and I bring me.

We dance as one from there.
You step and I counter step, you speak and I answer...

Giving up Control

I thought this blog was over when I had the realization that my daughter had my unconditional love, that when I hopped on the back of “Mr. Heart is as big as a House, that I completed my journey, that all I had to do was ride along, ducking when the shit hit the fan….

Nope, that isn’t it at all.

The second part of my ride has just begun.

I now know where I have been, what techniques I use for love and how and when to apply them, when I take out my tackle box and get busy.

It is each and every time a mess arrives and IF the mess is in someone’s life I love, well, get the hell out of the way, I am going in.

I slip off, okay I jump off the motor bike and leave my world behind, I roll up my sleeves pull out my tongue, engage my mental mind and I am in your business up to my neck, and Mr. Big as a House heart rides alone.

And here’s the deal when I leave Mr. Big Heart, I leave my own heart, my own love and passion and become stuck in the quick sand of your life.

That is what I do, Miss Mental Lady loves to play in your lives, your world, and moves around and the more she moves the more stuck she gets, it is indeed like quick sand.

What I need to do most is close my eyes, shut my mouth, and enjoy the ride.

If I am riding along and holding on and letting the Universe lead, I cannot be responsible, I cannot just jump into lives unasked, unsolicited…oh my God what a meddlesome woman, an unwelcome intrusion.

How much can you decide if someone is in there deciding it for you? Who needs a mind if my mental mind is coming to your rescue?

I know that Michael Brown of the Presence process says, “If you pick someone up, when you put them down, you put them back where you found them.”

While we think we are saving, we are delaying or stealing their lessons.

My job, my only job as I can see it now is to hold on to my business, my world, my joy, my love, my life and to gracefully sit silently looking upon my daughters and any other.

I had said to my mother, “Silence is the kindest thing I can offer…” Silence and a loving heart is the best of me I can offer, if my mind gets involved we are off to the races, the struggle of you running your life or me running your life.

Pick one.

If I don’t pick running my life, I have learned nothing.

I am back.

I am in my business.

Whew, another close call…

I am holding on Universe…here we go!

I keep forgetting I am not driving! UGH…
Backseat drivers only annoy whose driving.
It is best to sit back quietly and enjoy the ride.

The second part of this blog is me learning to walk the walk
of giving up control...

My next move.

As I walked along these past six years, I only ever had two choices, not three, not four but two, and I could only carry forward one.

Just one, not two, only one!

Two would have grown me into a multi personality.

There would have been two aspects of me, two types of me, two sides of me, a multiple me.

Each side leading totally different lives sailing between and over boundaries like mixing colored water from glass to glass, until I would have been colored murky, muddy undetectable, where you would not know who is the real me.

This murky colored water is where I believe I sorted myself out from, I had to re-visit each relationship and see who the real me was.

To see where I moved from glass to glass not paying attention to how it colored me.

In each glass I had to see what it required of me to swim there, what side of me shone in that space and what side of me lay in the dark?

It was literally like running around holding up the old side and the reality side looking for a match, seeing what had integrity that could stand test of truth.

Time and time again, I was surprised and horrified that most of my life was for the darker side, the side of me that came forth from abuse.

There was very little in my world that was the real deal.

Those things left standing are few but precious.

And it is my belief I will grow from here, gain from here, thrive from here, for I was dying in the murky darkness, unable to know me, find me, see me, be me.

This personal that lived in the murkiness shone in other’s lives and dimmed in my own.

Now I am a like a dim light bulb, a faint teeny glow to them, but very colorful and bright inside.

I see my daughter heading into the murky waters, trying to blend herself in both glasses, trying to appease the truth and the dark, the love and the fear, I see how I lost myself as I watch her go.

What do I say? Do I tell her to stay out of our glass so she is not confused, so she is just one way to her self?

What did I need to hear back then?

What was the key that would have stopped me from losing myself in both worlds?

Is there a shorter path than what I took?

A less painful one?

As she loses her self in like/love she doesn’t see the murky waters swallowing her like quick sand…

But I do. I see her going in where I just left.

What I find deeply disturbing about all of this, is that while my mother didn’t seem me slip into the quick sand I do, I see her going deeper and deeper. It seems unfair for me to watch this play out.

To see the innocence blend with deceit, lies, until all that is left standing is this murky sense of self, this dim light.

Why do I need to see this?

What is my lesson yet again?

To see the power and the lack of control, the submissiveness, the equal partnership between abuser and abusee?

Is it more right to see two folks dancing in the quagmire?

Will they save themselves while tossing more dirt upon each other?

Who will save them from themselves?

It seems in my murkiness, one day I saw the whole scene, the whole dreadful scene of filth and dirt, the lies and the deceit, is that what flips you out?

Do you have to go in and swim, taste and feel the darkness; you can’t know it from the shore?

It is like just curing yourself from cancer and turning around and seeing all you tossed off has landed on your child.

I am just not sure what my next move is.

“When in doubt, don’t.” Don’t move, don’t speak, don’t act. Just don’t.
Again, great Universe this is up to you…let me know my next move.

Rotting Tree

We teach people how to treat us, we send out signals as to what is okay and what is not, we literally are teaching the friends and folks we want to hang with.

They don’t know our boundaries we have to show them.

When you do that, I tend to move away.

When you your words and actions don’t match, I learn that you don’t follow what you say, I honor that.

If I give you the freedom to act with your free will, than I get to react with mine.

It isn’t a lopsided game of only one having more power; we each get our own set of power tools.

My husband would teach our children a new thing, like putting on a new roof, and tell them, you have a new talent in our toolbox.

This toolbox is yours; it is something that you carry with you where ever you go, a skill that makes you more self-sufficient.

They also have another tool box, a self esteem or self worth tool box, and I wonder what skills and tools I gave them to erect boundaries, set limits, uphold values or define values, be ruled by morals, just what is in their own box when they leave this family.

Will my values be theirs and should they be?

Will our morals match?

Is it possible that the apple does fall far from the tree and roll away?

If you have done all you can do, if the fruit is ripe to fall, do you have any say as to where it goes and how it grows?

Is there only so far a parent can take them and the rest they do on their own?

Experience being their secondary teacher, do they travel onward being led by an inner feeling no matter the source?

Is it possible that you can build the perfect emotional toolbox, one that resembles reality and truth, and they can kick it aside and set out on their own unlearning all of that?

A rebel with a cause.

The cause of doing it my way…
While I concentrated on healing my limb of the family tree, I may have overlooked the fruits growing on the limb, to see the color changing…to see a new fruit growing.

In reality I am seeing an orange from an apple tree.

As she clings to this whole new lifestyle she leaves behind her family tree, just as I left mine.

She doesn’t want to have to choose, but I am thinking it is pretty hard to mesh the two lives, the two selves, the old and the new into a new one…without see what truly is.

You have to let go of who you are to become what you wish to be…

In order to become a whole me, I had to leave the rotting tree…

My grasp on Reality.

“People Show you who they are, Believe them,” is a quote by Maya Angelou.

I thought this was what my daughter needed to hear, when in fact I was talking to myself.

I awoke to an eerie phone glow coming from the top bunk in the early morning hours, a signature sign that she is still engaged in ‘other woman’ activities.

“They show you…” screamed out loud in my head.

I have been twisting and turning this around and around like a rubics cube, trying to get her in one color.

Who is being betrayed, who is cheating, who is getting lied to and who is doing the lying, what is reality and what is not, and why am I even involved again?

Whose business is this, whose lesson, what is mine to see and be with and what is hers?

The intricacies of this are not just plain white, there is a path, a beginning a middle and a predicted future (end).

What am I failing to see?

There still seems to be a juxtaposition between ‘other woman and girl in top bunk, but I have to go with reality, so other woman she now is.

Failing to see this is to go against what is.

No matter how she arrived at this job, she is fully working it.

My mother’s greatest failings was not seeing my innocence fade, not seeing the changes that took place in my world, not walking with me as I stumbled affected on the other side.

While my daughter has been pleading for me to see her an equal, I failed.

I failed to see her dancing step-to-step, cheek-to-cheek and ear-to-ear, she is now his equal.

My mother didn’t see my innocence in the act of abuse, but she also didn’t see the affects the abuse had on me.

It is like she missed the whole thing, like it never happened.

I wondered who my daughter has been truthful to all along, who she did not have to lie to, hide from or sneak out with, and it is him.

Her and him have always been wide open, with each other, she has only changed in her previous relations.

They still are together while she lies.

Lies to me, in a letter that she wants to change. It is a lie.

Here I somehow had this flipped around that she was lying to her self, making her self lower etc, when in fact what she is really changing is our relationship.

She brought in lies, she lowered the level between us.

It is now up to me to believe or not believe, to see or not see, to hear or not hear, to learn who she is.

I can see now why parents feel betrayed, for the child lies.

Why do they have to lie?

Who are they trying to not hurt and why?

Why does there have to be hurt and lying?

I get so confused in this.

When do people lie and why?

Why can’t we just do what it is we are doing?

Why must we stoop to keep it a secret?

What are secrets and what is there purpose?

Are there good secrets and bad?

If we have a secret is it a lie about ourselves?

Are we with holding a part of ourselves?

And from whom?

Is it possible that we are many people to many, or are we just one to all?

My view of my daughter isn’t sitting at peace in reality.

She lied to me and is now changing within our relationship? We started out as one thing and now it is turning different from the abuse.

She is no longer the girl she was.

She is different.

When she changes do I have to?

What do I do with her changing within our relationship, with her lies and odd behaviors?

What is my response to this?

I am not able to forbid it, but what do I do with it in my hands?

In my hands is a daughter that lies.

Yet what is the lie?

Is she lying or am I?

Did I lie to myself believing her words?

Did I lie to myself when I didn’t want to fully embrace her new role with a married man? Did I lie to myself that she was innocent? When did I start lying too?

It seems like this affair has us all liars.

He lies to his wife, she lies to us, we lie to ourselves, why?

To make it seem okay?

To agree?

To support?

I want to know why I am lying?

Maybe it feels better to lie, I feel in control, I feel less pain; it feels better to lie than it does to feel the relationship being changed.

Lies are misleading statements.

Liar is a deceiver.

I still do not get why our relationship, the one between her and I has to change with this, I don’t get it.

Why does she lie to me?

Why does she try hard to act the same while acting different? Isn’t that what I am doing. Acting like nothing changed between us when it did.

When I was lost before, when I couldn’t seem to find my way, I clung to reality, clung to actions, and they always showed me who they were, where their minds were, what their thoughts were thinking…

What I can safely say today, is that her mind, thoughts, feelings and actions are with him.

And the girl I knew is gone, my images, my view, my experience, my feelings of her have all changed.

She lied…she wasn’t with him, but now she is, so is she still lying or am I?

Am I lying that she doesn’t want to be there?

Is lying a deal breaker?

Is that her only offense?

If our hearts and home are open, shouldn’t he be allowed in, can’t we get them out of the cell phones and into reality?

Open house, open mind, open heart, open door; bring him in to the house in the light of day.

Can I do this? Can he? Can she? Can We?
Do we slowly pull this into reality, making it okay.

What isn’t okay?

Married man and single girl, I just can’t make that okay, it seems there is a law and morals and values in-between, and do I overlook that?

How does this fit in our lifestyle within our home?

Can we bring in this in and become accustomed to it?

Over time does it fade and blend and not stick out so bad?

Who will have to change to bring this in?

Her or my husband and I?

What an interesting social experiment, I just wish it wasn’t my daughter’s life and mine and my husbands.

I can see the dynamics, the way the rubics cube works, trying to make one color, one family, one value, one moral, one reality and how it is impossible to fit.

One of us will lose, the one not in reality.

Reality wins only but 100% of the time.
In my experience, there is a bunch of folks living in a land one step removed from reality, and it is I, the lover of reality, the seeker of the truth, that gets left off to one side… me and reality.

I either gain the world or lose my grasp on reality…

Fly

I listened to Byron Katie today, speak about the mind is always the cause and then we act out the affect of what we think.

We think and then we move…it isn’t an action first.

All our actions are supported by a thought. And here is the second part, the thought doesn’t have to be true and we will follow it.

We will follow thoughts, marry for thoughts, die for thoughts, kill for thoughts, and suffer greatly all due to our thoughts, whether they are true or not, we never stop to challenge our thinking mind with our thinking mind.

Many of us will die with the same thoughts our parents had, and will see ourselves as they originally saw us, we will not advance beyond the original thoughts.

The family legacy of same thinking is handed down generation to generation.

What most fail to consider is the original thinker and what his life experiences were and what he passed on.

What I want most for my children is for them to have a clear mind, a free mind, a mind that seeks and lives with reality.

I have come from a long line of brainwashed conformists.

I see them locked into a diseased mind.

Dysfunctional families can only continue with minds that are not free.

Cults depend upon malleable minds.

There are woman who fall victim to ‘love’ and all it is a mind game, a control, a man owing your body and life.

The old saying, “if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you its yours if it doesn’t it never was.”

Most will not ‘try’ or test the waters of their love, challenging to see the depth and breath of it, to see how free you are inside of a relationship.

Some think the tighter you are bound the more you are loved, when in fact the opposite is true. The loser the ties, the more love grows.

A free mind is a loving mind.

A bound mind lives in fear.

Hold a flower clutched in your fist and see how much it grows…

The impulse of a parent is to squish their children tight to keep them safe, and yet the most loving thing we can do is release them and let them go.

We can only hope that we taught them to fly.

“What is bound on earth is bound in Heaven…”

“Thy will be done…”

Growing Me.

There is another word that has screwed up more people than being perfect, and that is being normal.

What is normal?

Can you spot a normal person in a lineup?

Inside of us isn’t there a specifically designed normal for us, one that is specially made by the path that we walked?

Normal in the dictionary says to conform to the standard.

What is the standard?

Who designed the standard in each situation and can the standards change?

I had to look up standard; it says the level of quality.

Quality of what?

How can we know the best quality and isn’t our best the best quality?

Do we have to measure ourselves against others standards?

So normal is conforming to standards of quality.

But who are the quality makers?

Who decides whether I reached the level called normal?

To me, this seems like perfect recipe for failing to always be looking outward to the judges of quality for the nod of approval, instead of creating a normal for you.

It is normal for me to run, from groups that seem to enjoy brainwashing conformity, as a newly freed mind!

It is normal for me to embrace all things free after being held captive by a mental mind for 40 years.

Yet is this normal?

Perhaps I did overshoot the mark and I have landed in a land beyond normal.

Some feel ‘normal’ in abusive situations for that is all they ever have known, to them that’s normal’.

That is the only quality or standard they know.

Maybe it is only when you no longer like that standard or that quality that you strive for a higher level, a new normal for you.

This new normal for you is personal, societies standards, nor your friends or parents don’t measure it, it is an inside job.

Inside of you, something tells you that you are ready for a new normal.

You no longer are comfortable doing that which you have done, and want to raise the standard by which you live.

You then move to a new normal for you.

What is normal is conforming to standards you now have.

I feel we re-set our standards time and time again, the more we learn the more re-setting we do.

I had previously set standards by my parents, until I saw their standards, and then I began creating my own standards.

What was normal for me for 46 years was their standard, not mine.

Now I have a new normal and in this new normal, I reset my standards all the time, they seem to be fluid and life changing.

There is no mark that I will hit and say “Bingo” I am now stuck at this normal.

My life and me are normally changing, we are not stuck unchanging like a plastic flower, we are like a real live growing me.

I love that I am not done growing, for I think that is dead.

I am a normal growing me.

Free to be you.

At the end of Dr. Jill Bolte’s book, “My Stroke of Insight”, she writes what she needed the most to heal, and I too would like to share what was most beneficial to me as I made my way out of the legacy of dysfunction.

When you wake up and find that you lived in denial for 46 years, you are smack dab in the middle of a pretend life and you need to begin finding truths everywhere and living truth.

Here are some things in no particular order…

The book, “Loving What is” by Byron Katie helped me embrace the idea of acceptance and how it is much easier to walk with reality and to separate whose business is whose. My lines of responsibility blurred and I was lost in other people’s lives and absent from my own.

“Be Here Now” by Eckhart Tolle helped me live in this moment while unraveling the past. Showed me how to not deny but to embrace the moment right here and all that it delivered.

Martha Beck’s book “Leaving the Saints” showed me the way abuse blinds you and how the family situation and religion has a great impact on how you then go forward, abused and confused.

My brother’s ears listened, his eyes sought the truth like I, and his hand reached forward in healing always. Together we bravely walked deeply into what we had experienced to find where we lost ourselves, felt the pain or discovered the things we missed, clues that led us to our self. It greatly helps to have one family member in a dysfunctional family that wants to get out as bad as you, that wants to end the legacy in their life. His understanding of dysfunction as well as his desire to be free was the perfect companion on my journey. His willingness to bravely let go of family in dysfunction to be whole gave me strength.

My husband bravely walking with me in the unknown, of me and the future, of allowing me space to figure it out, of hearing the truth and not fighting it. He made no demands for me to Not change, nor did he make demands on how I should be, he simply stood by and let me find me. We both had no idea if when I healed if there would be a we. Love is letting go and being free. We found a love that has no strings, you be you and I be me kinda love. His freedom was key.

Friends. Well, I lost some old friends and old family members who were unable to bear the new me and my new found truths, and I am way okay in letting them go, for I don’t want to make them believe that which they don’t.

New friends arrived, deeper, wiser, more understanding and caring, they match my new me.

Playing in Art was my saving grace, a place where I still could play with colors designs in fabric, creating and letting go of the heaviness of dysfunction, there I felt free to be. My Art carried messages to me, like letters from the Universe, showing me I was on the right path and that I would be okay.

I M Perfect Lady blog, is a key component as well, it has be a sacred space for me to bring my truths, to lay them on the white sheet and to dissect each morsel and to find answers. While I often hoped it would help another person, I have selfishly gained the most. It has beautifully displayed all aspects of me, the broken wounded little girl, the mental survival woman, and the sprouts of the real me. I grew to love this imperfect me and know that each part is perfectly me! There is no part you could take out, for each part hold up a section of my life, each part has a hand in making me me!

What we need the most is freedom and for others to hold the space of our innocence until we can find our way back.

We need to use reality like Braille watching all actions as they brilliantly say what words can try to cover; we need to have narrow vision staying with the evidence of actions.

As we tear down our life of denial, we need to build a life in reality, we need to build up our strength, add wholeness to support what we want to become, while saying good bye to the things that kept us down.

We need to find the stamina to go against old beliefs and life patterns.

We need the courage to face all we turned away from.

We need to reconnect to our bodies and yoga is a spectacular way to join, the mind, body and soul.

Mostly we need the space to be free.

Abuse steals our power; we need to become powerful again from the inside out.

Abuse steals our love; we need to become loving of self.

Abuse steals our faith; we need to become faithful to self.

Abuse steals our trust; we need to learn how to trust our judgment, our value, our morals again.

Denial or dysfunction or abuse has us living from the outside in, where we will please other before self.
We have to turn ourselves inside out and begin living from inside. Listening to our quiet inner voice, and following our feelings inside.

Mostly become one. Separated from the leagues and groups and piles of folks that wanted us to be something for them. We need to become a sovereign nation of one. One wave in the Ocean of the Universe.

What is great about victims is that they bring love, trust and faith and give it to another. In order to heal, they now need to use all those great gifts to heal themselves, to now treat thy self, turn inward.

All my strengths I had for helping others, I used to help me. I became my biggest cheerleader, my strongest friend; I learned to love my self.

It is like having the wounded heal the wounded.
The ultimate healing, I who was broken healed myself.

The blind learning to see.
The deaf learning to hear.
The dumb wanting to know.

The desire begins with you.

“Ask and yea shall receive.”

Seeks the answers of who you are and you will move into being you.

It all begins in wanting to know the truth.

The truth shall set you free.

Free to be you.

Perfectly you!

The reason I began this blog or writing for that matter, was that I found myself upside down in an upright world, my insides didn’t match reality, my dysfunction led me around the world not me.

This me, I called the mental woman and she resided in me, in my thoughts and in my beliefs, she had ownership of this vessel and steered my actions from a fear based setting.

I lived governed by fear and did most things to ward off the impending doom, for if and when the doom arrived, I would die.

You see, once upon a time, a little girl was in a delightful safe world and out of nowhere, in the midst of her caring kindness an ugly monster appeared, plunging her into a state of terror.

Once this terror is felt and no one releases you from it, you then set forth with the Fight or Flight Switch always on ON.

My past six years has been to re-set that switch, to not respond in terror, but in love.

When my daughter’s psyche hung in the balance, when I could see the abuse’s affects, my Mental Lady, my Wounded child, and My Loving Awareness all arose.

It was the epic battle within me.

One moment I was writhing in terror, frozen, feet ice cold dripping in sweat, a child without a way out.

The next I was a mental woman taking control with needs that overshadow my daughter, fear that I had somehow allowed this to happen, it was my fault.

And the most wonderful delightful experience I have ever felt was to be present with my child, to sit with her and her pain and see nothing but innocence, feel nothing but love.

The contrast of these three individuals that I vacillated between had me swing to the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

It was like my past ghosts and my present awareness engaged in many battles, taking me on a wild life review.

My views of her, my views of self, my extraordinary view of my husband, was like an epic play and I played each role.

I feel utterly blessed and filled with gratitude that the most predominate woman within me is Loving Awareness.

To live the rest of my life in this mode, riding behind
Big as a house Heart, means to me that the Universal love, the essence of nature, the God Spirit, is leading me forward, that the clutches of evil and fear have been released.

I am a woman who has been to the depths of hell and have emerged brighter, more loving and kind to my self.

I know if I can travel this road, than my daughter and all girls and women who find them selves like I did, can do it.

You do it by loving your Imperfections until they become perfectly you!

Imperfectly Me.

Yesterday morning, after a sleepless night I wrote the post about unconditional love, about knowing to the depth of my soul, no matter what I will not be the one to abuse my wounded child.

I let go of all things but unconditional love.

My husband and I had decided we would get out of the house and go for breakfast to give us a chance to talk privately.

My husband turns to me when I enter the car and says, “do you have anything left to say to our daughter, is there anymore you have to offer?”

And I say very weak defeated, no, I have nothing, all my knowing, my wise words and experience, all my efforts and love are not seemingly working, I am at the end of the road, I have nothing.

He says, “Good. Here is how this is going to go down. What we did to her last night, by pressing her is going to drive her out of our home. I will not do that to her. She is hurt and needs a place to be, where there is no one pressuring her, a place where she feels comfortable…I love my daughter and want her always to feel that she is welcome in our home no matter what.

I tell him, I agree. I just learned about my unconditional love for her, that I too will not hurt her when she is down.

The next thing he says is you have to let her go, let her do it her way, let her be EVEN if she decides to move out of our home, let her decide, You have to let her go.

I tell him he is asking too much.

In that instant, I feel the little girl in me terrified of letting go, of losing once again.

I tell him, Honey I know about letting go, about letting them decide, of allowing them to be, I let my family go and none of them came back to me.

I have lost and I have lost and none of them ever come back, you are asking way too much, and now you are asking me to let go of my little girl to let her go free while she is alone and lost.

I can’t let her go, for if she doesn’t come back I don’t know what I will do, I can’t let her go, I don’t have a heart big enough to bear this if she doesn’t come back.

I tell him, “Mr. Big as a House Heart Man, you will have to lead this, you will have to stand in front of me, for me with the “Little as a Rock Broken Heart lady can’t be out front, I am afraid that if this little piece shatters, I will not have anything left, that I will go down and not come back up.”

Honey I can let her go but your big heart will have to carry me, my heart isn’t big enough to do this alone and I don’t know how.

In that moment I felt my holding grasp, its final clutch leave, and she was set off alone.

Peace overcame me in that instant that seemed to settle over the spot that terror lived.

My husband continues on unaffected by my emotional display. He says, “we can’t tell her what to do, she is a young lady, she is inexperienced, but this is how she will learn, we will offer her a space here to heal, but not tell her what to do.”

I am in total agreement and following his lead.

It is the first time in my life I let go of being responsible of taking the lead of getting on the back of the motor bike, of getting out of the wind and flying bugs and debris to snuggle in behind him and let him tell me what it is we need to do.

What my husband and I then discussed was exactly what he had done for me six years ago when my world crumbled, when I too discovered that the relationships I had were very dysfunctional, when I had lost my way, when I found my self upside down and backwards, when I didn’t have a radar that knew its way, my dear husband opened up his heart wider, opened up our home, and allowed me to enter in.

Nothing changed inside, it remained a place of normal in an otherwise upside down unnormal world.

I entered in exactly as I found myself; there were no requirements no rules or regulations that I had to change first to be here.

He allowed me the space, he demanded nothing, he asked no questions, he made no suggestions, he allowed me, a frightened wounded animal, to come into the warm space of his loving home and curl up an be safe.

He never, not once asked me to do something I did not want to do, he waited for me to decide I was ready.

He never not once wanted me to be further healed than I was, he waited for me to share with him.

He continued to love and hold me like nothing had changed, to him I was the same person but sick or wounded, that was all.

I told him, ”What you want me to do for our daughter is what you already did for me, I can do this.”

I get to be him, to walk in his shoes and just allow her to be. I know even more for I have actually walked those steps.

I felt immediately, that this was the right path for healing for I know that without him, this house, the space and undemanding loved ones, I would not have made it. I can now give to her that.

I told him, “I can’t imagine what this had to be like for you, with a wounded wife, to be the only one to do this, it had to be very hellish, and how did we make it through that?”

He isn’t wanting to go back, he wants to be here.

He tells me, “you are not to say anything negative, in fact you are not allowed to say anything at all, you are to go on creating a loving home, doing what we have always done here and let her just be.”

I say, “Honey I get it, I get to be a loving mom unconditionally l can do this.”

I say I will follow your lead, for did the perfect job for me.

As we sat face to face over breakfast, my body a noodle, empty and drained, feeling like I had just completed a 6 year marathon, I say to him.

“Honey, what would a perfect mother have done?”

He says to me, “she would have stopped this morning like you did, she would done exactly everything you did and said, but she would stop now and let her go.”

I know for some this may not seem like an answer to a trouble wounded child, but it worked for a very mentally twisted up and wounded adult child.

I sit in awe of what this man has done for me, and what we, him and I can do for our little girl, our almost woman child who has been wounded, we can open our home, our hearts and welcome her in.

We demand nothing but accept all.
We say nothing unless asked.

We work hard to maintain the energy or atmosphere of our home as it always was.

We keep this the one piece in the world unchanged in her very changed life.

This home, the people in this home were my saving grace.

They never treated me like the outside world talked of me, they remained true to me as what we had previous, they did not change.

They went to work and did what they loved, they did not have a blame or shameful eye directed at me.

In their eyes I was imperfectly me.