The hardest part of being a mom is when your child takes an exit that you didn’t see coming and they seem to disappear from the usual landscape and it leaves you separated.
And I am not even sure what exit she took, where she is or what her intentions are, just that she has left the lane of what was and is now heading down a road that neither of us are familiar with.
As I continue to travel down my regular road, off to the side is this other lane of unfamiliar nagging at me, this road from my view is full of potholes and hairpin curves with disappearing drop-offs and my daughter seems blind to all its hazards.
I am not certain if she is at a wayside unsure or if she is going forward with a full head of steam.
I am not even sure what is making me uneasier, her being on that road or not knowing if she is sitting down in wonder or going further into its complicated bends.
Our voices have been silenced. But all that seems to be happening now is a silent movie, where the drama continues, but I can’t hear the words.
The not knowing is far worse, I believe than knowing.
In the knowing, I know and can deal.
It is like her life has slipped from my view.
This almost seems like the far end of a spectrum, one being you are doing too much in a child’s life, overtaking it and this is the complete opposite, where you are completely taken out.
In the middle of the spectrum are two people who allow the other their lives, we share and explore and understand their individual journeys.
I am wondering how to hook our roads back up, how to join them together in a way that honors and gives space, in a way that respects our differences, but allows us to trust each other.
Is there a way two people can be together on two different roads?
As women we have lots in common and I am sure it is harder when I have more experience and I have been her superior as her mother for all these years, but is there a bridge that we can stand upon and share our views?
I will have to let go of my fears and my ‘know it all’ attitude and let her show me the landscape of her new world, I will have to be a visitor to a foreign land.
It truly feels like two distinct worlds.
Yet I believe and feel that I have traveled the world she is going into, so it isn’t that foreign to me, perhaps it is only new and exciting to her, she is the foreigner not I.
What is so perplexing is that you never leave reality, this is an inward journey, you are traveling away from your essential self.
Away from your morals, your values, your worth, your self esteem, your dreams, your passions, your soul. Into a world of secrets, lies and deceit…heading towards a self that is unfamiliar, foreign.
It is the road to no you.
You are being lured down this road by a friendly face that is the façade of negative energies, manipulating you with false promises and pretty lies.
If she were to travel this road alone, He would be her only guide.
What I want is to walk with the two of them and give the real story, like Paul Harvey’s ‘the rest of the story’.
Yet he knows and perhaps she knows too, that I will be the story wrecker, I will unveil the pretty lies and unravel the promises and make them as they are empty.
So what scares me the most is that my familiar voice will be drowned out by his, that she will tune me out and turn a deaf ear to my words and cling to his.
Her life in its innocence doesn’t have a voice of her own.
I am sure she feels the pull between him and I, both of us wanting her. And what I want the most is for her to have a separate voice from both of us, but I don’t feel she has one for her self as yet. I see her as a girl who confused and twisted and wants to have love and attention but it comes with such a price tag, her self worth.
I can almost understand the twist between what he says and how she feels.
His promise land is a secret place and it can’t reach the light of day.
In order for her to travel down his road, she lies to me.
What I want most is for the lies to stop.
Lies to herself and lies to me, both are taking a toll on her.
It is so telling to see what lies can do to your spirit, you can literally see her growing darker.
The truth will set your Spirit free!
The two roads I see in my minds eye is the road of lies and the road of truth. One road darkens and leads you away from self and the other will support and Lighten who you are.
You wonder what makes some travel into the darkness and what makes others travel towards the Light. What decides this and can they make a U-Turn?
I will do as any good mother or women who see another descending into the darkness will do. I will give her my voice until she can find her own.
