Being a mother in the middle and having a generation before me and a generation below me puts me in a great place to witness the intricacies of how relationships are formed and how the legacy is passed on.
Being aware of the legacy you are in while you are in it is near impossible…it takes stepping out to get a clear view.
I leaped out of my childhood legacy when my mother’s moral tower displayed her husband of 49 years as a pedophile, it was then I knew the generation before me, and sadly I could also see the generation beneath me and how one man had touched two generations while my mother loved him.
I saw him in his truth, her in her truth, and then me in mine.
I saw the river that flowed beneath all of us and the only way to escape that river is to see what you are swimming in.
Within me lay all the layers of teaching and years of treatment and formation, in horror I saw her in me…
Within a few days I was able to see the structure of our family and how it all was flimsily held together and how each insane idea supported another insane concept, the maze was intricately held together by unquestioning authority.
To see the shocking truth of a pedophile father and the undying “love” of his wife towards him, shatters the scaffolding that I had built called me.
I saw my own insanity.
I then saw how insanely I had treated my children based upon the morals and values of a woman who ‘loved and supported’ a pedophile.
Stuck in the middle with an insane woman above me, mistreated children below me and me aware, I then had to unhitch myself from her teachings and long held beliefs while continuing to raise children but change everything.
In the middle, I knew I couldn’t change my mother, but I had a chance at redoing me and then I had the hope that if I could, my children would then repattern themselves after the new me.
What a tight spot to be in, yet with great freedom.
I knew intuitively that they felt my every move.
Where in the past I had blindly trampled upon their lives, I now knew that I could inflict pain or raise their soul.
It has been my intentions, while not always successful, to see the children.
To be very conscious of how my choices in life impacted theirs.
For we are all strung on the same string, the string called family legacy.
You simply can’t escape the line of your parents, but you can change the dance steps, the outcome, and the way you live your life.
It takes great strength and courage to see the insanity of an abusive family and to see the traces poking out in you, to own your insane madness and to feel the rage of injustice, and the unknowingness of being a child and following along, with love, trust and faith.
I found myself pretty much empty of good value, and had to start from scratch building my own tower of morals and values, and I started with the foundation of truth.
I began building a whole new structure using the pieces of insanity, for its denial is what has kept this pattern going.
