I found it interesting that my mother’s voice still echoes in my head, that it rings out loud and clear each and every time I veer off her well-beaten path, my fear of disappointing her screams louder than the thrill of doing what I love to do.
These echoes have traveled with me a long long time, and they are laced with fear that freezes me in my tracks if I even begin to ponder doing things differently.
This underlying system was created when I was very small, and the definition of self was built upon this very odd system, where my ‘goodness’ was mirrored when she was happy and my ‘badness’ when she wasn’t.
It had nothing to do with what I wanted to do, but had everything to do with her.
This track was laid down within me by how my mother reacted to life, and making her happy was my only goal, for her happiness meant her loving me.
It had nothing to do with the actual things I was doing, but the withdrawing of love dare I venture into a place that made her frown.
I wonder if this is how all children learn about life, that we simply follow the smiles and steer away from all the frowns, that we never learn to steer by our own smiles, we learn to navigate through life by others happiness.
Living in this backward system for 46 years, the last 6 have been spent learning how to live from my inner smiles and standing strong against their frowns.
Learning that I am not responsible for other people’s faces, that it is not my job, has been a full time job, undoing the tracks from childhood, taking them down one piece at a time.
I can see how people lose themselves while living with themselves, how they get pulled into the lives of others simply for happiness and love.
What is so debilitating is that your life disappears while theirs seems to thrive. And how is that love if you disappear?
In order to be loved by my parents, I had to disappear.
My needs had to disappear, my wants, my desires, my happiness, my joy, my love and my life. I learned to disappear for love.
As I walk forward learning how to love myself, her echoes come back to remind me of where else I let my self go, where I lost a part of me, where I buried myself and now where I can reclaim that piece.
I didn’t know I buried her in so much responsibility.
I find now, when I feel so stuck, so angry without a choice, I am tugging on a piece of the old track, and it has nothing to do with what is going on today, but instead what I have learned a long time ago.
A voice from the past wanting me to disappear.
This quilt represents my inner wisdom and the young artist.... I am so happy that this one didn't sell!
