As I did my yoga after work, a frivolous task I labeled it, since I opted to do this instead of a domestic chore or something of a higher priority, I just went ahead and took the liberties of time for my self without thinking too deeply…just quickly changed and started the CD, before a list of other things jostled this idea out of my head.
Even calling it frivolous seemed odd, but yet right, that I was cheating responsibility and jumping into frivolous.
While in yoga I pondered this word and what it meant to me and how it was that I called doing something that was good for me frivolous.
The yoga that I do is very hard and requires my utmost attention, it is working very hard to restore my body to great health, and I called it frivolous.
It then came to me; it wasn’t the yoga that was frivolous, but the usage of time. I was using time frivolously by taking care of myself.
I then felt deep sorrow at a girl who thought it frivolous to care for her self, to be with herself doing something that benefits her greatly, and she feels its frivolous.
I looked up the meaning of frivolous to make sure that I had it right.
1. not worth taking seriously: lacking in intellectual substance and not worth serious consideration.
This is exactly the meaning I had in mind, I was not worth taking seriously or with serious consideration.
I know that this has been my greatest negative pull that seems to be tied by a rope of great width, that keeps holding me down, a belief that is strung through each of my cells.
I have claimed that my biggest hurdle is that I am too responsible, and yet what is more true, is that I am not worth taking seriously or using serious consideration.
I take life and others needs very seriously, but my own are considered frivolous not serious.
I felt pushed upon the mat by the sorrow of understanding, that it isn’t the things that are frivolous, but that I am not worth having them.
My world is very short of frivolous, from the time I spend, to the items I pass by, for I can’t drum up a reason to bring them in.
Flipping frivolous to serious has been a long six years struggle, to upend this belief and get me into serious consideration.
Even though I have been serving me lots of time, big chunks in a day to be used for just me; from writing, to yoga, to art, and blogging, to unraveling my past. I have been yanking and pulling on this ‘frivolous’ thread, kinda sorta believing it was serious work, while not completely sold.
The tables turned today, I can see that what I have been doing is putting my self on the list for serious consideration going against generations of voices that have been trying to keep me down.
