Today I was able to see the overall appearance of being broken and being the only repairman to fix me.
To see my life like a broken clock, and have the clock actually doing the repairs while still telling time, to be changing the insides while the insides were still being used; their intricate pieces falling together to make me who I am, without rendering them useless or forever ruined beyond repair.
It seems literally insane that those of us from dysfunctional homes are the ones to get us functional, and we are to do this while living life, raising children, going to work, and navigating friendships and relationships.
To know you are broken and all mixed up and yet it is from that state you have to be the one to right yourself, to swim out of the swirling waters and find the calm sea and learn to stay there.
What I first became shockingly clear about was how broken and upside down and backwards I was. It was a miracle I was functioning as a human being. And it is from this inside out and backwards state that you begin to make corrections.
It honestly is like being a broken clock and making repairs on your self from the inside out, while remaining in working order. Even though it was tempting, I just couldn’t fall apart!
There were literally times where I felt that what they were asking was far too much.
As the changes are happening inside, I can go from a little lost girl who needs a mother to mothering my own children, from being in need of nurturing to nurturing, without a breath of space between.
Life situations will bring to surface old working aspects of me to be worked on, and I can be overwhelmed by sorrow or indignant with anger and fear…I can be an indignant mother or a wounded child…and I also have to get the message while being upset.
Be the broken part and the solution.
Situations arise that will bring forth that which needs to be healed, and at times, I get tired of being broken and being the fixer too.
Today the swings from old to new are swifter, but in the past, I could linger for days in a quandary trying to figure out what was wrong, what was being asked of me in order to return to inner peace.
My old clock ran like a top for dysfunction and I am reworking it now to run beautifully on peace, love and joy.
Using the same moving parts, I am getting them to respond differently.
This has been a full time job and one that is best done in the middle of a full working life, for it is there we can fine tune our instruments to get them responding properly. We have live living breathing humans to help show us where we are not, where our thinking and beliefs are broken.
Each time I respond in fear…I have found another broken piece. At times it seems that this work is never ending, for the more I fix, the more there seems to be broken.
I fix the inside and then have to go and try it out in relationships on the outside.
It is one thing to change your beliefs, it is another to then use them in real living color, to set forth and be that which you just discovered.
My old clock was energized by falsehood and this new one runs on truth.
As much as this boggles the mind, I have also experienced the same confusion with my emotions and feelings.
It is incredible to have great gulps of sorrow for losing an old piece, to enormous clouds of peace settle in its place as the new arrives.
It seems I have been forever within a moving and changing landscape, and it then occurred to me this is living life.
