Dialoguing with people who see life with a different perspective is both enlightening and disheartening at the same time. (A brother-in-law messaged me on facebook.)
It strengthens my stance and clears my vision, and leaves me feeling the distance I have traveled from my original thoughts and beliefs.
It is for my benefit to see what I used to sound like, how I too used to see the world. And it shocks me to engage again with my old belief system.
It’s Hard to recognize the beliefs I lived as for so many years…and even harder to feel their bite, their condescending judgment, the righteous wisdom without experience, the tearing down the innocent to make the not so innocent seem less harmful…
One belief is that when you die and you go through your life review, you will experience how you treated people in life. I am not dying and yet this feels like I am in a full fledge Life Review.
Where I can witness my old self in action and have him treat me like I treated others.
To hear my old words and directives, to continually want the other to change so I can feel better about myself, that the world is the problem and not my eyesight.
As I read his words and their swiveling view, trying to hear me, but not wanting to give up the allegiance to his group, the flipping and changing of sentiments, shows me just how confused and slippery his slope is. I remember living there, where there wasn’t a firm ground to stand upon, where it seemed I couldn’t remain just me.
That I ran on a fence line, dancing between both sides, but never really having a side for me.
Just me.
Where I lived secure in knowing me, understanding me, and being okay to just be me. It always seemed I was used for propping someone up, making someone seem less or another to be more than who they are.
I was a voice piece, a defender, a speaker outer girl, a champion of the weak, and a fighter for the down trodden, the peacemaker no matter what. An exhausting task to always have to darken someone to make the other seem less light…to never just sit and let the truth shine forth.
What I have learned the most in this last dialogue exchange is that reality is hard for many to live in, that most want is to not see the darkness or shadows out there, for they may discover the same inside of them.
It is easier to attack me, to be angry at me, to say and treat me like the bad person, instead of actually addressing the bad in their midst.
I used to do this, I used to attack the innocence instead of speaking what needed to be said to the unkind.
I get this. I understand it, and I understand and feel the wrath of my old ways.
I can see clearly how I was seen as the bad girl and not my father. For in order for my mother to see my father in his true light, she had to change him from light to dark, it was easier and I didn’t put up much of a fuss, so instead she made me dark. If she seen him in his true colors, it would have meant a whole life change, and to see her own colors,...it was easier to change my colors dark.
This is still happening.
It is much easier to change my colors than to see someone in a new light. Once again, I am painted black.
