I wonder why it is so hard to look objectively at your self, why it is so hard to see that which you are. Doesn't it seem literally impossible to overlook yourself while you are being yourself? Why is it that we can't feel or sense our own powerful energy and it is running within our bodies?
What I believe to be true is that I was taught to not pay attention to my feelings, to disregard the pulsing emotions, to hide or pay no attention the signals of my body.
In fact, the body was so full of sin, just disregard it completely, or pray hard that you can overcome ITS urges.
I was taught to become the enemy of my body and I did such a wonderful job, I created a life separated from my body.
I never spoke of my bodies signals, the fear that raged or the rage and anger and fear or injustices, the overwhelming immobility of choice, I used my body but never truthfully connected to it. Well not in words or actions.
I had a life and my body came along for the ride, but we were each other's enemies.
Its needs and mine were at odds.
What I discovered is that the signals of fear that my body put forth matched the reality of my childhood, compared to the actions that I had displayed. I acted like nothing had happened...that my father's rape hadn't occurred. My body however, never, not once forgot. Each and every time I was in his presence, I felt uneasy...pushed back, like an invisible wall arose.
Yet, my actions showed none of that happening in reality. I pretended to pretend to pretend that all was okay.
What strikes me so is how I was able to NOT join with my body, but to live a life once removed. That my outward display shown none of the signs from within.
Like a bad dashboard, all my readings were false.
While I understand in order to survive, I had to have a false dashboard, it now seems totally crazy. People didn't know me, all they really knew was the false readings I was displaying. But, underneath a whole different story waited to be told.
The story of the body. Its emotions and feelings are rarely displayed accurately on people's dashboards, instead we say Yes when we mean No. We feel its unkind to speak what we feel, not realizing we are disowning our own bodies...creating a chasm that we may or may not get back across.
This space between what we feel and what we say widens each time we speak against our feelings or act in opposition to what we feel.
My life and my truth were an ocean apart.
The life I was living in comparison to what I was feeling were two distinct drawings...and my feeling inside that I ignored carried my truth...and the false dashboard I presented out of 'kindness' crashed to the ground, for there was nothing holding it up but pretend.
Pretending that I had different emotions than I did.
Pretending that I was okay, alright, fine, perfect...
Pretending overshadowed my truth...until I couldn't recognize the real me.
(As Alice Miller's book states, "The Body Never Lies.)
