In reading Melody Beatte's book, "Codependent No More"....I came upon these few sentences that explained so much to me.
" Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of Oppressive Rules....Rules which prevent the OPEN EXPRESSION of FEELINGS as well as THE DIRECT DISCUSSION of personal and interpersonal problems." Robert Stubby
This explains the way the Church Doesn't deal with personal or interpersonal problems, for its members have had a prolonged exposure and have been taught to practice 'following' the rules makes you a good christian.
The oppressive rules alone are not the culprit, but the long exposure...especially those who have been born in capitivity, where they never visited a world where you could openly express and discuss directly how you felt and what you thought.
And certainly, under no conditions are you allowed to question the 'sins' or why you can't do this or that. An oppressive environment for sure. This bleeds down into the family homes, for it is preached to do so.
I am finding that our family wasn't just weird like this, but that any family of the church has this same nature it is like the church's mission statement to teach codependency.
Good members of the church are good codependents.
Melody writes, "Earnie Larsen, another codependency specialist and pioneer in that field defines codependency as "those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result from a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships."
Being unable to openly discuss personal feelings without being punished for it, is what makes us fake who we are.
One of the oppressive rules of the church is "Honor thy Mother and thy father..." It cares not who they are or how they act, it is a RULE.
In honoring them, you have to become disloyal to yourself.
Where does this leave a child?
From my experience, no personal stuff was ever discussed....not even the generic feelings, Let alone abuse.
Just the very fact that we are indoctrinated into this society, and then abused...leaves a child lost, alone with no way out...
The only way out is to leave...for a child is not allowed to speak, it is against the rules.
What is even more tragic, is that the love goes when you break the rules. So in order to keep the love, you have to keep silent.
