IMPERFECT Lady

They just are not believed.

"Being Loyal to dysfunction, is a sign of abuse....and when you can speak of it, tell your truth, you begin to function again."  This is what I heard on Sirius radio.  

What I had not considered is what does dysfunctional mean.  How when we get hurt we tell others about our injury, yet when it comes to abuse we remain mute.

It's being mute that is dysfunctional.  We don't talk about being hurt, being betrayed, being afraid, etc, we go mute, not functioning.

Being silent about being hurt, is actually what dysfunction looks like. I didn't know to break it down that simply.

We become loyal to being silent....

I also thought of how we the victims are doubted and feel the only 'proof' lies within us, that many don't believe us, for the scars are all inside, there is no bloddy arm to show...our battle scars are broken trust, love shattered, and innocence gone.  How can you see that?

What I just thought of is how many will eagerly believe that a sin can disappear with the words spoken, "believe them all forgiven..." yet when we are asking them to believe in our abuse, they want proof.

What is the proof that your sins are gone?  Did you seem them disappear?  And yet you are so cock sure of this....without proof.

How can a sin disappear?  Yet when it comes to a victim coming forth with stories of abuse, you want proof.

This seems so weird, how you will eagerly believe on thing disappearing and yet we are asking you to see a person differently and you will refuse.

Being loyal to abuse you fail to believe us.

Being loyal to disappearing sinful acts....you believe.

I can see how you would believe a criminal sin of rape disappearing so that person isn't a pedophile.  But yet a child's innocence disappears and you won't believe it.

I would question the proof of disappearing sins.  In my experience they don't disappear, they just are not believed.

Less abusive to live a lie.

"We call it 'verbal abuse' when someone tells us the truth about ourselves and we don't want to hear it."  Byron Katie

 

The above sentence stayed with me and it occurred to me that we have been taught or led to believe that by telling the truth about someone is abusive.

 

I know that I have become an outcast due to the fact that I speak the truth, about my family.  I state what is and this is seen as abusive, that it is much better to give a false identification of someone, to not share how they hurt you.

 

Imagine, we are seen as being 'verbally abusive' for 'Telling'.  It is no wonder why children do not speak up, for we feel it will hurt them to hear the truth.

 

Isn't it interesting that we protect the ones who hurt us.

The question is why. Why is it so hard to state the facts, to draw the tough lines when abuse is clearly apparent?

As Dr. Phil says, there has to be a payoff.  What do we get for our silence?  A father and a mother?

It is unnatural for a child to estrange themselves from their parents, but what they fail to see is that it is natural to move away from abuse.

That we were born into an unnatural environment, where the parents abused their offspring, they did not 'raise' them, but lowered and changed who they were.

In society, it is pressed upon us that we are to love and honor thy parent, that family is sacred.  That is, for the normal functional homes.

And what is the creed for the unnatural families? What is the rule we are to live by?  How do we unhinge ourselves from the parents that abused us...

I had mistakenly felt that all would abandon my father...and instead they abandoned the truth.

They abandoned the truth so as to not be abusive towards their parent, while they are now having to live a lie.

It is remarkable to me now, that it is literally easier to live a lie than to live the truth.

And it is abusive to our bodies and our lives to live this lie, but we do it to keep a parental relationship alive.  And the truth of this relationship we dare not speak of....So, we have a silent clause, a do not speak of 'the abuse' clause and if you do so you will contine to be part of this family and/or organization.

 

We would rather abuse ourselves by living a lie, than to 'abuse' our parent by telling the truth and moving away from abuse. We somehow believe that it is 'less' abusive to live a lie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shattering Dream

While commenting back and forth with Lynn C. Tolson, the Author of "Beyond the Tears", on facebook, it came to me why folks support the Coach and the Organization and not the abused boys...they don't want to lose that which they are a part of.

Whether it is to be a fan of a winning football team and coach, or whether it be a family and father, no one wants to let go of that which they have looked up to, aspired towards, cheered on and been part of.   

By looking at the abused child, you will see that your hero is a monster.

It isn't the pain of the child, it IS the pain of the dream dying.

Lynn asked on facebook, "Why is it so painful to support the abused children? Why, why, why (not expecting an answer). The topic of child sex abuse is so uncomfortable yet the victims live their entire lives in a world of hurt."

It isn't the child's pain we fear, but our own pain as our family dies, our team isn't as grand as we thought, or that the icon coach is just a normal man, who didn't want to turn in a friend, or who didn't want the public to know that it is as vulnerable to abuse as any other organization.

We fear our own losses so much that we will hold on to a false dream rather than feel it actually die.

In walkng face first into my greatest fear, I was able to then see the abused child.  It seems we all have a choice in either holding up a dream or letting it die to save a child.

What very few can do is let go of their own lives in order to save a life of a child, to spare them the shame, guilt and blame of 'wrecking' the dream.

What hurt me the most, wasn't the rape of my father, nor even the image of him changing from dad to monster, but what hurt even more was being blamed for killing the family.  

I wasn't rioting for his reputation...so it was seen as I was out to tear our family apart, when in fact all I was doing was standing by the abused children...the long list of girls who suffered under his hands.

I wasn't able to stand in a picket line supporting those who knew and said nothing, and I was seen as a traitor to our 'family'.  

It wasn't my pain that they couldn't bear feeling, but they didn't want to feel the pain of losing a family.

We wonder why more folks are not lining up to give up the details of their abuse, it is to give evidence and facts that will tear apart their dream of family...

It isn't that we don't support abuse, we don't want to support the tearing apart families, religions and organizations. But if abuse is within, your organization is decaying from the inside out, and eventually, there will be no good there to hold it up.

Penn State has shown us it isn't the abuse that we can't bear to see, but the shattering dream.

 

 

It knows and Forgives it away!

Byron Katie, "Loving What Is"

"I love thanking these men for sacrificing their entire lives to teach our children how not to live - and therefore how to live - if they want to be free.  I tell them that they are the greatest teachers and that their lives are good and needed.  Before I leave, I ask them, "Would you spend the rest of your life in prison if you knew that it would keep one child from having to live what you're living?" And many of these violent men understand, and they just well up with tears like sweet little boys."  Byron Katie

 

Imagine using your life as an example of what not to do.  I truly do believe that if they are willing to sacrifice their whole lives so we can see a living example of what not to do, it begs us to learn from that.

Just as Penn State is a living example of how not to react when faced with abuse. It seems that each person who heard or saw something did the opposite of what needs to be done.  And in doing so has shown us a great example of a huge institution and how one man has the power to taint it all.

The opportunities of people stopping him are incredible...big guys, powerful guys, guys with clout and intelligence, and all let this pedophile continue to hurt little boys.

What a shining example of how we deal with sexual abuse.  WE don't.

If only this was a Penn State problem, but it is a world wide epidemic.  Look at the students RIOTING to save a man who didn't tell.  

We want to save a reputation of a man who didn't tell.  Oh, he told the supervisors, but he didn't draw a hard line and refuse to work in an organization who protected pedophiles.  He didn't of himself go to the law of the land and say, "this is going on".

And as Jon Stewart says, "We are not trying to take away your football" or in the FALC's case, your religion...WE just want the ABUSE to STOP!!!  

Let's use this as an example and begin walking one by one to the sheriff with what you know, names you have heard, tales of horror being done to the children.  I know, IF I know, you know.  

You know and you will either be an example of doing nothing or doing something...the choice is yours to decide.

Sadly, It isn't that no one knows...it is that they know, it is just that they too decided to do nothing for reasons personal to them.  

The church is not what you all think it is...it isn't this pure state of faith, this island in the storm of evil of life, it is the vortex of sexual abuse, that has a bigger tool than Penn State, It has the Forgiveness of sins.  IT knows and Forgives it away! 

 

 

Abuse is Winning Life's Game

The shocking factor about Penn State is that there was not a warning label on their football team that suggested what lie beneath.  Perhaps it is the false sense of advertising that we feel the most duped by.

They were marketing football, while many boys were getting a totally different experience; instead of it being an esteem builder, it was stealing their innocence and self worth.

I can see the similarities to the FALC.  The Chairman of the Mission has been informed that there are pedophiles in the pulpits and pews and he isn't willing to address it.  There are no warning messages or alerts being published in their monthly newsletter, The Greetings of Peace, no ads in the paper warning individuals that this church has peodophiles.

Our names and words bounce right off the wall of authority within this organization.  Just like Joe Paterno, the Chariman has power to sway, to teach, to instruct.  Folks would listen to HIM, more than an 'ex' or nonbeliever...yet he remains silent.

Silently heading the mission.

Really, where is this mission going?

What is your mission statement, when you will knowingly allow pedophiles to operate uninterrupted within your organization?

It is only a matter of time and the FALC will be sitting in the position of Penn State, and the 'high' ranking officials will also be left to explain, to defend and plead for their 'pure' reputations.

What I know for sure, is that Penn State didn't willingly bring forth this information, anymore than the FALC will be.  

The truth is delivered by the abused. 

The boys each told their personal story, and the combination brought down the system that was held in place by those in power.

Each blog, each person who tells their story, adds volume to the fire, and eventually, someone will pay attention.  Each voice matters.

We have heard many different family strains that hold this legacy of abuse, all it takes is for someone in each family to break the silence.

We have the Huhta's and Torola's out here loud and clear, we need to continue to add more voices.  We have put a warning label upon our families....

There is no misconception of who my father is...so there can be no surprises when he abuses you, you have been warned.  My sister knows who she is allowing near her granddaughter, she willingly will supervise her as she sits upon a pedophile's lap she calls great-grandpa.

Perhaps what I want most are warning labels, to stop acting like these folks are harmless, when indeed the opposite is true.

A few voices are ringing loud and clear, warning you all that the FALC is ripe with pedophiles...I have alerted the authorities of names I have heard, they are creating files for each name.

No voices from within are coming forth.  No one in power is shouting out loud and clear...they have reputations to protect, friends to cover, family secrets to hide.  

I recognize there is lots to lose by speaking up, but there is more to lose by keeping silent.  You lose your own sense of self worth by aligning with the acts of abuse, you yourself will become tainted, just as this favorite coach.  Most will no longer care about a winning career, for we now know it came at the cost of so many innocent lives.

So what if the church has this public reputation of lily white, high morals and high values, the real game is being played behind closed doors and the score there tons of criminal sexual behavior...numbers that will make Penn State seem small.  For they had one man, we have so many...

Each Pedophile has 100 victims roughly....and I handed in 8 names, that I knew of....not counting my father.  

It boggles the mind and overwhelms the heart...tragedy upon tragedy, horrifying detail upon horrifying detail, ALL under the canopy of church/faith/religion.

Read my brother's blog and see the details of just one man....and then go ahead and mulitply that by 8 or 20....and you will see what really comprises this religion.  

They will keep their eye on the ball on the field, their pathway to heaven, while in the furnace rooms, lockers, and homes etc, abuse is winning life's game. 

Less than a point.

I heard today that they fired the coach from Penn State, the coach who knew for 9 years that he had a pedophile working under him...today the truth finally caught up to him.

What will he now be remembered for?  

It is my hope that this will open the eyes and hearts of many who know something, and for whatever reason...be it a friendship, a game, a reputation, etc, is keeping silent.  It is my hope they will learn to take action today.  To keep telling someone until someone listens.  

In the 9 years that the Joe knew, how many little boys suffered under the hands, strength and power of this pedophile?  How many little boys wondered how they could shake down this whole big powerhouse, when the head coach knows and does nothing?  

So many have such high remarks for the way this coach IS Penn State's money maker, mover shaker etc.  If that is so, doesn't it just beg to be asked, then why oh why didn't he use his influence back then to clean house in order to save his team's reputation?

It makes it much worse, for this man/coach was a man of power, who had the ears and eyes of so many along with the trust, that IF he had spoken up, many boys, now young men, would have been spared the ugly imprint of abuse.

While some want to keep his 'goodness' off to the side and have his many years of football go untouched.  Interesting, "untouched"....that is exactly why he didn't tell.  He didn't want any bad publicity to mar his team, his staff, his game.  So, he did as many do, he preserved a team while sacrificing young boys...their lives meant nothing to him...or perhaps it is better stated, his football team and winning meant more.

I am thrilled that he was fired.  It isn't that his career just soured, it has had this running underneath for all these years.  It is just now that the public knows what lies beneath.

This gives me great hope, it fills me with confidence, that no matter how big or how powerful or how long a reputation is, a voice of victims still out weighs their past. 

I am hopeful he will be defined now as a man who put football before helping out young boys from under priviledged homes who were being abused by someone he knew and protected.  He played for the glory and turned away in their greatest time of need.

I am happy to see that heads are rolling...even if it is 9 years too late.  Let us hope he becomes the poster child for keeping silence. How wonderful we have such a big figure to show the world what silence does.

May this help in the healing as these boys and young men work on healing their psyche.  For it does matter how you all see the real man....not the coach, but the character of the man.

Who are you when you can know that boys are being hurt while you are tossing a ball around a field for points?  Points?  Surely this is the land of pure insanity.  

It is beyond what a heart and mind can comprehend.  That these young boys lives were worth less than a point.

 

Chronically Response Able.

Yesterday, I heard the word "Chronic" being used for actions instead of how we generally use it meaning illnesses that are long lasting.  

I had to look up the definition. "Persisting for a long time or constantly recurring."

They said, "He was chronically abusive."  I had never even thought that abuse or hurtful behaviors as being a chronic condition.

Although I have known abuse is handed down from generation to generation, I hadn't thought that at a point, you become a chronic abuser, it isn't an isolated incident.

What I had also heard was that by spanking a child or using physical force to get them to behave, you are sending the message that I love you so I must hurt you...I must hurt you in order for you to behave.

Which if you really look at it, it is insanity.  Hurting to show love.

The theme of the discussion, between Dr. Phil, Dr. Robin Smith and Oprah was on Love Doesn't Hurt.

Another point I heard Dr. Robin say to a young girl who said the reason she stayed with her boyfriend, was that she loved him so much, to which Dr. Robin said, "but he didn't love you so much because he could hurt you."

What is so hard for children who grow up in abuse, who are born onto a chronic abuser is that our 'love' is mixed up with painful experiences, and we then believe that love has hurtful places.

My old way of loving was very painful, it was a chronic condition that felt awful on both sides.  I was challenged to find a way to mother without pain.  Without resorting to my old habits of rage and anger, and instead give them consequences for their actions.  Making them in charge of their lives and not me.

And actually getting me in control of my own life.

My chronic verbal abuse was what I had to work on.  I had to get control of my mouth and the fuel of anger behind it, I had to become reasonable in an unreasonable mind.

What is so awful it is like being an anorexia but in loving.  You think you are loving, but you are abusing, in realities mirror you can't see the pain you are causing or know that you are the cause.

Or know there must be a better way, but you can't seem to do it.

It wasn't until I seen that my children were not the cause of their bad behavior that I was.  Imagine, I was the cause of their bad behaviors.  I had taught them to behave this way.  I taught them by my lack of consequences, lack of steady strength inside of me.  

When I fixed me, I fixed my children's behavior.

When I stopped being a chronic hollering mother, one who never had boundaries, whose word didn't mean diddly squat, and became instead a woman who was fighting for control of herself, our whole house changed.  For when I made myself responsible for me, it made my children responsible for themselves.

Now I am chronically response able.

 

 

I belong

 

Usually in life, once you are in a designated spot it seldom changes, but I have just discovered that I have been relegated to a new position in my husband's family.  I went from being one of the 'adults' to one of the voiceless children.  

An adult meeting took place and I was not asked to attend...I accepted this without a fight, for a large part of me felt it was absolutely correct to not have me there.

It wasn't until after the fact, that I really considered the consequences of it all.

The overall decisions had the potential to affect my life, but I wasn't included when they were being discussed.  There was no opportunity for me to voice my opinions or give my consent.  

It is like I have been given a bird's eye view of what it is like to be a child in a family unit, to be affected by the choices, but not part of them.

There is a certain amount of freedom and laziness that comes with being outside the choicemakers, but there is also a spot of being very vulnerable.  That you then have to 'live' with their decisions.

This one decision to not include has set me free.  

Set me freely outside of their family.  Outside of the major decisions, outside of 'personal' exchanges...included only in the public displays. I guess I am an out-law, not an in-law.

I can complete a 'family' picture during the holidays...but the hole left in the decision making part leaves me feeling left out.

What a great view of seeing how family dynamics work, how and what you include the children in and how it matters.  Albeit, they are not my 'family' my parents etc, but yet, they are the only other family I was connected into, and now I have been cast out.

Sure, we will meet and 'act' like I am part of it, but deep down I now know my place is at the children's table, the voiceless choiceless riding along behind their jet stream of choices.

Interesting to note...I am now free of all family obligations, they have voted that there is no need to include me.  

It is feels better being at the kids table, for I truly believe that my opinions would not have matched theirs and I can have more in common with my kids.

Which is huge.  I love that my connection feels the best with my children...within my home, I belong.

 

 

 

 

A wild colorful intricate quilt.

I had an incredible experience this past weekend...a great example of how it isn't the place, but the people that make life a thrilling ride.

We arrived at the quilt retreat, like you do to any time visiting a new place, with ideas in our heads a few expectations only to be greeted by reality.

A few of us were surprised, okay shocked and in awe at the starkness okay, the sheer utilitarian bare essentials.  No frills and creature comforts, just wood, cement and mattress.

Our cabins were situated along a lake, in the forrest...

When you opened the door the dormitory setting overwhelmed you, it took a moment or a day or two to realize that you were on an "Out Back" quilt retreat experience.  

It was the facilities or the lack thereof, that bonded us, that gave us oodles of laughter, and unwrapped our pretentiousness.  We all became one.

I had went on this retreat to get to know my husband's relatives better, and I was thrilled to see how they responded to this experience, for it truly could have gone either way. 

Instead of letting the state of the facilities set the tone, we used the facilites as fuel for extreme hilarity.

I know that this retreat will bring chuckles for years to come and a few are even breathing about 'next year', perhaps this was the first annual event.

I so admired the way we adapted to reality.

Our bed was a bunk bed, a thin mattress and wood beneath.  In a room of 20 beds, I never even considered taking two, even if there were 18 being unused.  I took my share....and that was all, until I heard of others using two.

What I have come to know, is that I would rather be with folks in sketchy places than be in a five star hotel with sketchy folks.

We worked together quilting, taking bits and pieces of individual fabrics, with different wonderful designs and color, all working seperately but together.  And just like the colors and the fabrics, we ladies each made a living human quilt as a group.  

Some brought the calm colors, or artful designs, there were giggles, the laughter, the kind presence, depth, wisdom, knowing, sharing and learning, personal as well as sewing techniques.

We each brought our selves and together we made a wild colorful intricate quilt.

And these quaint cabins were snuggle in pine trees....

If you look up the hill behind the cabin you will see the Ladies Room.

All in all, what I know for sure, it isn't about where you are, but who you are with.  Thanks Relatives for asking me and for making me feel like one of the family.

A Stress Gatherer

I had a conversation with a woman who does massages, and she shared that sometimes while massaging a body, it will release sorrow.  She also knows that there are oils that will help the body release emotional stress from the body.

 

I had wondered out loud, how that would be to have the body release things without the self knowing the story or history of the stress….like crying for no reason.

 

This reminded me of how I had cried for hours while driving home from Green Bay the summer before my father's secret became known.  How I had no reason in the world to cry, yet cry I did.  And it wasn't just silent tears flowing, but racking sobs.  Yet in my head or thoughts, nothing was there to support the sorrow.

 

If my father's story hadn't come forth, I would have just had this mysterious event, isolated from my 'normal' life an oddity…sorrow out of nowhere and attached to nothing, a rogue wave of immense sorrow...leaving my body.

 

Now that I know my history, it does makes sense.  

 

That leaves me to wonder about making the body cry or releasing sorrow without knowing why, without the background story?

Will the body be less stressed?  Or will the crying jag make you wonder where the unease comes from?

Very interesting to me to hear the body can release without the mind or consciousness knowing the cause.

 

In yoga, often times when my body is particularly sore or perhaps even after going deep into postures, I will express tears.

Yet, I know that I have had childhood sexual abuse, that is my root and it is lodged in the cells of my body…so it makes sense for me.

 

To me, it just seems better knowing what you are crying about…than to release tears in the body without knowing why.

 

If I had just released in the body, my body would continue to gather stress as I continued with my old life.  For I would have been in the same dysfunctional relationships, operating with the same thoughts and beliefs that grew from dysfunction. So, while a massage can rid the body of stress, it can't stop the body from going back and gathering more stress for there is no new awareness.

 

Perhaps massage, oils, and yoga is best used when you know your root source…when you are discovering your history.

 

Otherwise you again, are crying for no reason….at least no reason that you know of.

 

And if you don't know what you are doing to cause stress in your body, you will continue to be the stress magnet and the massages will be endless.

 

Getting down to the root source, to me, is the only way to stop being a stress gatherer.