In "Codependent No More," by Melody Beatte, she writes about boundaries.
""Set boundaries, but make sure they're our boundaries. The things we are sick of, can't stand, and make threats about, may be clues to some boundaries that we need set. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves. Mean what we say and say what we mean. People get angry at us for setting boundaries; They CAN'T use us anymore. They may try to help us feel guilty so we will remove our boundary and return to the old system of letting them use or abuse us. Don't feel guilty and don't back down. We can stick to our boundaries and enforce them. Be consistent. We will probably be tested more than once on every boundary we set. People do that to see if we are serious, especially if we haven't meant what we said in the past. As Codependents we have made very empty threats. We lose our credibility then wonder why people don't take us serious. Tell people what our boundaries are once, quietly, in peace. What our level of tolerance, so the pendulum doesn't swing too far to either extreme." Melody
When we take our boundaries serious, others will as well. And if you have never said no, no will seem shocking and unloving toward them, for in the past they could depend on your yes or that you would back up and lower your boundary.
Lowering boundaries, lowers your sense of self. You are pushing your self into being someone you soon will not even recognize.
Another thing Melody said was,
"Most of us don't have boundaries. Boundaries are limits that say: "This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won't do for you. This is what I won't tolerate from you."
"Most of us begin relationships with boundaries. We had certain expectations and we entertained certain ideas about what we would or wouldn't' tolerate from those people. Alcoholism and other compulsive disorders laugh in the face of limits. The disease not only push on our boundaries, they boldly step across them. Each time the disease pushes or steps across our limits we give in. We move our boundaries back, giving our disease more room to work. As the disease pushes more, we give more until we are tolerating and doing things we said we would never do. Later, this process of "increased tolerance" of inappropriate behaviors may reverse. We may become totally intolerant of even the most human behaviors. In the beginning we make excuses for the person's inappropriate behavior; toward the end, there is no excuse."
"Not only do many of us begin tolerating abnormal unhealthy and inappropriate behaviors, we take it one step further; we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal and what we deserve We may become so familiar with verbal abuse and disrespectful treatment that we don't even recognize when these things are happening. But deep inside, an important part of us knows. Our selves know and will tell us if we will listen." MB
"...compulsive disorders laugh in the face of limits. The disease not only push on our boundaries, they boldly step across them. Each time the disease pushes or steps across our limits we give in. We move our boundaries back, giving our disease more room to work..."
Who truly knew that our lack of pushing back when they push us is the exact key or in fact makes More room for the abuse to be.
While I didn't know it at the time, I can see it plain as day now.
It is up to us to set firm boundaries and each time you wobble and get pushed into doing something you don't want to do, you have expanded the area for abuse to play and move and freely be.
This is the dance of abuse; it pushes and we give up our ground.
Each time we stay silent, we give up ground.
Each time we fail to follow through with our threats, "this is the last time..." it wins.
We are not only playing with abuse; WE are Letting it win.
"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything."
Usually, we fall for we love that person, we have a long history, a past and a future we want, so we overlook and blink as they cross another boundary, as we lose ground one more time, as we are pushed back into a place where we are without restraint.
I guess we do this until... Until we either go so far back that we lose a sense of life and ourself, or we come bounding back fearlessly taking back our lives.
And when we do, the pusher of our boundaries are in for a shock...where once we were soft, we are now as hard as a rock.
My husband said of me, "You didn't draw your line in the sand, but in cement..."
I am firm now with boundaries and no amount of guilt on their part will back me up. I am finally standing up strong...
What is so hard is that you have to begin however far back you have been pushed, in the low spot of no boundaries...and climb up one step at a time.
Each time you say what you mean and follow through, you gain a boundary...and with each boundary comes self esteem, or a sense of knowing and loving of self.
I would cheer me on as they would holler and rail against me. And I knew, they were testing my waters, to see if I was serious...it was even shocking to me to see just how serious I was.
I began so far back that I was almost gone, and it was a struggle to undo all the years of relationships without borders, where I flowed into their worlds losing me. I reversed the cycle...I came alive in places where in the past I let myself go.
