In my mother's latest note I found a new viewpoint, another place where we don't match, the two drastically differing ways to deal in life.
While she keeps coming back to how she feels and how she sees me, I too keep coming back to my viewpoint of her and they don't match.
My experience of her, isn't her experience of me.
I did bring her joy and help. I did try my best to alleviate the overwhelming situations of being in a family of 14, what I failed to understand that behind me, she and her husband were making things even more difficult to manage. A backdoor was opening and closing allowing in abuse, that was eroding the family atmosphere I worked so hard to keep afloat.
She keeps talking about what I was doing and NEVER mentions what she was doing behind my back. My aching tired and overstressed back. I was seeing chiropractors in middle school...ya think???
Trying to keep her family together...when abuse was ripping it apart. There wasn't enough I could do to mend what they broke. And yet she speaks of it not.
Tell me mother what do you think it was like being a child of yours?
Tell me mother...how do you think it feels to be me.
My abuse went unnoticed, uncared for, unreported...with no response from you...except that you appreciate my help and joy. Imagine an abused child now has to bring help and joy...while no one tends to their wounds. We try harder to please for somehow in this upside downstate, when you fail to take responsibility, we do.
You say you love me. How I ask? How?
What does love look like to you? Does love turn its back on the hurting? Does love not see the abuse?
You keep repeating words about love, but can't take a step that is loving.
Love walks right into abuse and takes full responsibility.
Love protects the child at all costs.
Love doesn't forgive and forget, it remembers and acts accordingly.
Love is being in your truth and my truth.
Love is not just a four letter word...
Love is fearlessly seeing what you don't want to see and doing things you can't imagine doing, to protect the innocent and to stand strong against those who hurt.
Love...doesn't only see what is kind.
Love sees it all...and love responds in truth always.
