The heeling of a dog on a leash is the perfect analogy of how I was raised and then how I raised my own children.
Certainly there is no real leash, but the feelings of being led around are very present.
You are unable to move freely without a struggle and face the wrath of the leash holder; for it is expected you follow their lead.
It goes much easier if the one on the leash has no voice or choice or mind of their own...mindlessly follow.
Breaking them in, beating them down, taking away their freedoms begins very early on. We put them in leashes as little children...and they are taught to follow, not lead.
And it certainly makes a difference if you are on the leash or holding the leash in your hand.
Holding the leash in your hand, you don't want the person on the Leash to fight you, but to heel and acquiesce...
I shudder at the way I raised my children, to be nice folks on a leash, to 'go along' without confrontation, to 'respect' authority, to be a good boy/girl; I showed them how best to live FOLLOWING me...rarely did they get to run free.
Well, they were free in the things I didn't care about....or would reflect back to me. But mostly I had a strong hand on the leash and expected and needed them to act a certain way.
What is also very haunting is that when I took off their leashes, they didn't believe they were gone.
They didn't immediately go and run freely and make choices on their own...OR certainly didn't feel comfortable going against me....they were waiting for me to jerk back their chain and get them quickly back into MY choice.
And in the past, being a good girl on the leash elicited loving praise from me. I liked it when they did what I wanted without a fight. And when they didn't I hollered until they obeyed...got back in line, behind me.
Once free, they didn't know where the love would be found.
In the past fighting the leash, love was withdrawn and my anger arose full force...love was delivered if you quietly went along.
So, when you take of the constrictions and constraints, they don't know how to judge their own actions...or mine...and now what does love mean? Or where do you get it???
Removing the force from the relationship left us all in an odd place.
I didn't know how to mother letting kids do as they wanted....any more than my kids knew how to be free kids.
It took time, like six years and counting to undo the damage of the leash.
When you are praised and loved for not fighting for your own feelings and life...you feel its unloving to embrace your own set of values, feelings and choices. It seems harsh and angry NOT to follow the woman with the leash in her hand.
What was so interesting in my life, was that I was learning how to be off the leash with my mother, while I was letting my children's leashes go.
I was able to see what I needed and could give the same to my children. For you can't just unleash yourself from your family of origin, and keep your children on a leash.
The disconnection has to be complete...no leashes and total freedom to move. If you are still holding the leash, you are both prisoner to the dysfunction...and the legacy continues.
This was perhaps the hardest lesson to navigate; to restore freedom in my family. Oh it was hard won...and stilll continues to be.
I have the unnatural instincts to control and to want everyone moving with me. Leash lifestyle is comfortable for me...all moving as one.
I feel anxious at times and unloved when they leave and do things that are not what I choose to do...forgetting that love is freedom.
My mind still has a hard time without a leash in my hand....although, I am way fine with having removed mine from my mother's hand.
Imagine in order for me to be free, I had to cut the leash and move away from my mother. She didn't set me free, untie the leash and wish me well...instead she feels unloved now that I am free.
Her feelings of Love was to have me on her leash...ME doing what makes her feel good, loved, happy...it had nothing to do with me.
The hollow hole that is left when you leave the leash is almost unbearable, for you realize that all of the things you did for love was all for naught. Sacrificing your freedom and self in order to win her love, was in and of itself abuse. She didn't love you, she controlled you.
And while giving up your life to be controlled you believed you had piles of love to relax upon....for you had given so Much...only to find nothing there. Just cold piles of giving up...a cold and empty life.
There is no life filled with love once the leash is gone. Once the leash is gone, you are alone and separated, lost and unsure, but free.
It is then, that you begin to have your own life.
