I thought about innocence yesterday and what it is, how is it experienced and do I truly know it.
This morning it came to me that I was picking up pieces of innocence as I walked searching for truth, and that perhaps truth is innocence, for without truth can there be innocence? And is it possible to have experienced so much that isn't innocent and still be innocent or be able to return to the land of innocence?
I had looked up the meaning of innocence and one definition said, "freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil - blamelessness. I like this one.
Being free of guilt...
I thought perhaps it was impossible to get back a state of innocence, that once you fell out of that pureness, it would be impossible to wipe yourself clean again.
Innocence dies when you feel blamed. Innocence dies when you become acquainted with evil... And it returns when the blame lies outside of you.
If everyone would look upward, toward their parents, victims would dry up...innocence would bloom...like a chain reaction of love flowing backwards through generations; innocence would flourish.
Seeing the flow of guilt and how it poured downward into small children, you can see the cause...how it forms and why.
Alice Miller is correct, that the fourth commandment has really messed with our heads and psyches, by bringing blame into our selves out of fear of blaming our parents.
Innocence is being able to stand up and face the truth of what is...not carrying the blame, shame and guilt that isn't mine to carry. I didn't start this trickle down affect, but I do carry my responsibility to stop it from flowing down into my children.
If I blame my children for 'making me mad' or 'losing control', I am passing the baton of guilt to my child. If she reaches for the baton, she will lose her innocence. Taking the blame for something you didn't start is to lose your innocence.
Taking back your innocence is to hand back the blame.
A relay going backwards, is the only way we can heal ourselves from abuse...
The weight of carrying the wrong baton is where all the issues lie.
I remember in the early days of my mental breakdown, the days of discovering that all I thought I knew, I knew nothing....I recall feeling that this mess was much to big for me AND that I can't fix what I didn't create.
It took me out of the lives of my parents and siblings and into my own. My own was a big enough mess and I carried only that.
I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my parents.
I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my siblings.
And only sat with what I was responsible for.
In the past, in the present or in my future. Holding that damn baton in order to keep my parents guilt free, had done nothing to clean them up, but in fact dirtied me.
I see sins being forgiven the same way. "Here hold my guilt for me...carry the burdens of my bad choices!"
Quitting the relay team of guilt has set me free...I carry only me.
I take responsibility for what I do, what I say and how I act.
My children don't have to carry any part of me.
I am a self contained container...a free me.
Innocence is being free to be me...baton-less!
Photograph by Hannah Jukuri....
