In the aftermath of reading David Hawkins, I am left with an even greater understanding or perhaps an explanation of my journey, how I arrived, what happened that covered my eyes and spirit; my innocence.
I almost felt that I was responsible for being so irresponsible, that I had somehow fallen asleep carelessly or that perhaps I didn't care enough to save myself or was kind enough to save my sisters or any other girl who was abused after me.
There was a part of me, a pretty large part that felt I was responsible for being so irresponsible...and that irresponsibility is my nature, my soul's fingerprint, the DNA of who I am.
Another huge chunk also enjoyed the haughty elitism of the FALC; the one right pathway to Heaven. That I didn't mind all the other poor souls going to hell...I was heartless to the core...Self Rightiously superior and self absorbed.
When my 'truths' of my first forty-six years revealed themselves to be false, I began the digging process to uncover how I had gotten so blind, backwards and confused, and who was the real me underneath it all?
It feels like I am paleontologist of my own life, where I am trying to get to the fossil of who I am...to see me in my natural state.
While it takes courage to be willing to want to know the truth, to search for answers to your irresponsibility, to go into your coldness, your blindness to evil within as well as out; like researching a monster called Self.
Being a detective in your own life...your dysfunctional life.
Taking apart your mental mind, re-creating the pathways of beliefs that led you to act like a robot...with a mind completely closed down and emotions and feelings buried deep. A great student of hatred in order to feel good.
What I recall of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, is that they spoke of nonbelievers as being the devil, along with items they called sins; how they will slowly take away your 'faith' little by little. When in actuality, they (preachers) were taking away our innocence bit by bit.
Each time we believed in the sermon about nonbelievers being bad, we were taught to hate them. Each time we relinquished our rights to our body, the preachers/church won another part of our lives.
Its subtle and not so subtle messages slowly turned us into hating not only others but our own flesh and blood...and the weakness of self against them.
How it would be impossible to resist the devil, so best not to dance the first step.
Innocence and strength of spirit was not preached...but wretchedness and our inherent weakness poured into us.
I recall spending my first night at a non-relative nonbeliever's home...I was in grade school. They had a TV, the parents drank beer, and I was afraid to go to sleep. I was terrified, like sleeping in the devils home. Fear of them...and fear of the pull and not being able to resist. I remember we slept on the floor in the livingroom, and she fell asleep with the TV on...and I was mesmerized watching it, while knowing it was wrong, but couldn't stop. I felt how 'evil' was stronger than I.
The little innocent child self, curious and in wonderment, wanted to see TV, knowing it was wrong...did so and then was terrified I would die with this sin in me and go directly to hell. Stuck in a home of nonbelievers. A weak child against the demons.
Looking upon this from the perspective of the program they were putting in place sickens me. Not so much the program which is so filled with elitism, but the fact that the innocent child gulps this up without question.
Eroding its sense of pureness. Imagine by grade school, I was already gone.
Now add onto this being abused by my father. I am weak and wretched once again.
And now my mother's opinion of me comes in. Once again, no one sees my innocence. It must be true.
Three very influential factions in my little world all see me as no longer innocent.
There is no way I can't turn on myself and see me as they see me.
See my body as they see my body.
And if I was of stronger 'faith' or a stronger little girl, I could have saved my innocence....I believed. I was the one who was weak and couldn't save myself. Because I couldn't I was responsible for being irresponsible.
I didn't pull apart the string so deeply to see the intricate pieces of how all my innocence was lost.
If the church still held me innocent, while I had lost it with my father, I would have then been half innocent; half good. But, there was no one in my little life that seen me as a very innocent child whose consciousness is not devious.
What a big burden for a child to carry, the lack of innocence and good.
No matter how much I tried to do good, It was never enough to erase the DNA of being guilty for losing my innocence...hating my weakness against evil. I lost and it won, always.
To see myself and to know myself and to feel myself as being innocent/good/a joyful Spirit was taken from me...replaced with feelings of guilt, shame and weakness.
It is like the church/dysfunctional parent rips apart all that is natural, and of spirit; peace, love and joy...transforming the child of innocence, to reflect instead, that of the devil and hatred and fear.
What chance does the child have?
No wonder I felt weak and powerless, I was. I was weak in discernment, weak in not standing up against adults. I was weak in not questioning...I was weak and unable to fight those who were determined to have my innocence.
Yet I berated myself and my weakness...and grew into a girl wise beyond her years. An old person in a young life. I tried to control what was out of my control....and felt guilty when I couldn't.
I knew I lost my innocence. I knew I was weak. What I didn't know was that the strong people in my life preyed upon this. That there was no way in hell I could have stopped this.
Not the rape of my body nor the rape of my innocent mind by the church...nor could I have convinced my mother. For her love of both of them left me with no one to turn to.
As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives."
What I failed to appreciate are a few things;
The strength of the adults and the natural inherent trust of the child and its inability to discern makes it the weaker of the two. It isn't that I was irresponsible, I was naturally over taken.
I didn't fight this larger system. Which leads to another quote by Dr. Maya Angelou "...surrender in its place was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice."
I now can honor my lack of resistance, for I had no choice.
It wasn't weakness...I surrendered in order to survive.
I can vividly see, feel and know the weakness wasn't weakness, but the truth of being a child...it is inherently weak against an adult.
It isn't a personal character flaw, a carelessness or calculated callousness; I was naturally being a child.
I could weep for the natural little girl...who believed the worst about herself.
Photograph, by Hannah Jukuri
