Why is it that truth is something to hide and a pretend facade something to shine and present forth? How is it that we were taught that our truth is shameful and something to keep out of the everyday life? Why is it so easy to share the lighthearted daily moments (and they actually are expanded), to make the uncomfortable truths fade and to appear smaller?
The distortion of our truth versus what we do to keep it at bay is striking...and how the truth is whispered in confidence and not shared in plain view. Like the truth is shameful and tainted, while fabricated lives of emptiness are elaborated and celebrated.
I know I used to live life like that...but now I have a hard time engaging.
Truth is rarely spoken out loud and certainly not to the ones we are the 'closest' to...the truth is reserved for strangers or shared, but not with the individual that would be impacted by it the most.
I honestly am unable to find a place to connect. For I feel drawn to the truth they want to hide.
Where I am sure in the past, I too wanted only to speak about my fabricated life and never even considered delving into my truths...I too wanted to engage with folks on a surface of niceties.
When I made the transition and flipped around to speaking openly about my truths, and letting the daily rituals fade to secondary, it left me disinterested in the things that used to interest me...and thirsty for a truthful open relationship, one that few can entertain.
The covering up and sneaking around is like they are having an affair on their fabricated life. Like they are cheating on it by sharing their truths and don't want to be caught. It feels extremely odd to me, and most likely odd to them too. Having an affair with the truth.
I feel the unease...the inner struggle as they dapple in the truth and then scurry back. It is like the truth is the forbidden fruit...not the lies.
How odd to witness this...
How they cheat with the truth...and are married to the lies.
I feel the pulling back, the unfaithfulness they feel...the wanting to meet with me in the dark and private spaces....like I am something to keep hidden. I know it isn't me, it is what we talk about, what we share...
I am perplexed as to how to proceed...
What I know, is that I am not the one leading this dance...they are.
And it becomes strained when neither of us want to go to each others comfort zone. Mine in open truth and theirs in keeping it hidden.
An odd place to engage...where one of us will be uncomfortable.
I can't go back...so until they feel the desire or have the courage to meet me here...we have nowhere to really be ourselves.
It is like two people, one who thrives in the dark and the other in the light...with an impossible place to stand.
My spirit and soul can no longer live in the smallest darkest part of my life, but be fully present...my good, my bad and my ugly are all welcome in my daily life.
I truly don't know how we can find a way to be...it seems the only way is for them to have an affair on the side with me.
They are cheating on their lives by speaking the truth with me.
It feels like I am the other woman...
