Last week at Dial Help, I was given a thumb nail sketch of a few different disorders or what I guess we call Mental Conditions or ways in dealing with pain and abuse.
One of the things we talked about was Cutting.
What I learned about self harming, is that it is a process. Yes, it is about feeling something (pain), but it is also about watching the scar etc appear...and about the special tools used to cut.
As our trainer talked about Cutters, it came to me, that I used quilting the same way.
I was very drawn to the whole process. It was my private space to hide in and to concentrate on the process so not to feel the pain of abuse. And I was able to Feel, to make myself feel, except that the feelings I chose happened to be good feelings, excitement, but I was controlling how I felt.
So, when my life would get especially confusing or out of control, I headed to the basement, where I could control what I felt, but in a totally different direction...and the process of quilting was very detailed.
Choosing the fabric, playing with designs and watching the process of Art take place, the evolution from thought to completed quilt.
A process of controlling my feelings.
I just didn't know what I was doing, but I knew I had to do this. Imagine, how grateful I am....to have my Process (Art) on display, while cutters live in shame, hiding their scars.
My scars...are all quilted into my Art.
Photograph by Hannah Jukuri
