I marvel at the synchronicity of my life...after writing about my Mothering Test, I turn on Sirius and I hear Iyanla Vanzant talking about three generations of women, who are working on relating to each other. She has a new show called, "Fix My Life" that will be on OWN Network this fall.
The oldest generation abandoned her daughter, by not seeing her disability....the second generation abandoned her daughter while seeking attention she never got from her mother, abandoning her own daughter when she came along. Now thirty years later, they say, "I love you, but I don't like you..."
I was given an audio image of how the legacy continues...
Iyanla worked with them to say their true feelings, to call it like it is...for the reason they are so far apart, is that the truth wasn't part of their relationship. She says, "Without the truth, there is no relationship," and that the healing cannot begin, till you name your truth.
She had to keep reminding them to "call a thing a thing"....and not skirt the feelings and call it something else.
Those who really want to know the truth and say the truth, will be helped by her.
Iyanla also said, "A child whose mother is not emotionally available, cannot feel safe." This really hit home for me...with my own mother. I never felt safe, that she had my back.
The youngest daughter could not get close to her mother, for she did not feel safe...I totally can relate both in being the daughter and having my daughters shy away.
She also worked with the youngest to say to her mother, "I am angry, because...."
The daughter had a hard time going deep into her feelings and emotions.
And Iyanla said, "Go ahead and let your heart break....for when it breaks, it will allow compassion and empathy in." "Go ahead, you will not die, you will be okay, let your heart break."
This was another huge moment for me. For, I understood the anger and the heart breaking.
It is heartbreaking to feel the abandonment.
Iyanla said, that the Mom's neglected due to the absence of knowing better.
I again loved that.
It isn't intentionally....they loved by how they were taught.
What struck me was the timing of this being aired on the radio, along with how grateful I am to be far into the healing process....being with my truth and naming it like it is... and also letting go of my original position, of being out of control and controlling.
There was sadness that I was not able to work with my mother on this, but extreme gratitude, that I was able to work with my girls.
I felt the emotions of the mother and then, those of the daughter, and could totally see the avenue, that Iyanla was trying to take them. She is bringing them to the road of their truths.
The road of the truths.
Naming it as it is and not giving it names so as to 'not hurt' the other...
We hurt others more by keeping our truths to ourselves.
I love that I am able to let my truths out and that I was able to let my heart break.
It is trying like hell to not feel the broken feelings, that keep you from your own emotions, and thus be emotionally unavailable.
What a day...oh, and it came to me, I will not be graded on my Mother Test, until my daughters have daughters of their own....and I can see the pattern of mothering.
It broke my heart in so many places to see how my mother tried to mother and its result and how I took that and tried to mother...and then the struggle to be an abandoned daughter, without knowing how....mother my daughters differently.
This too, you can't see while you are in it....you can only see it as you emerge on the other side. And you can't know if you are making progress...the evidence is down the road...not to be seen as this time.
I felt different when my daughter left, and thought it was to be one woman less in my home, but what I really feel it is now, is the completion of my exam. I completed that section.
An abandoned child (woman) with a broken heart, opened herself to be emotionally available to her children. In order to save my own daughters, I had to name my truths, feel my broken heart and feel my own emotions.
What I also feel, is that this is a work in progress....just because I am open, it will take time for my daughters to feel safe with me. A broken heart is an open heart.
