I learned some more about Sexual Assault yesterday at Dial Help...some facts that I wasn't aware of, about me.
There are three ways to deal in a Crisis, "Fight, Flight or Freeze".
Freeze, the most common one is not talked about, where you prepare to hide surrender or die. They will stop and freeze in the middle of an activity or situation. It is most common in those with early trauma, most likely to have PTSD, dissociates, holds breath, look "through" you or will have no eye contact...
Flee/Flight is to avoid and retreat. Moves away from threat, difficulty with emotional intensity, easily over stimulated, fidgety and nervous, physically moving away and retracting, avoidance behavior...
Fight, prepared for action. Moves towards conflict, combative, physically aggressive, argumentative, interrupts, directive and controlling, intense....
What is also very interesting is when the police are investigating sexual abuse crimes and are talking to the victim, the victim will express the same 'guilty' look of a criminal, but their guilt is for speaking the truth. So, often the police, who are used to dealing with criminals, spot the 'guilty' behaviors and then wonder about the validity of their story. I found this very fascinating. How shame and self blame, along with breaking the silence, comes forth as guilt...and the police respond to the guilt, but misdiagnose the reasons for it.
I also learned that there are more people suffering from PTSD from sexual violence than from war. Yet I don't recall hearing this...1 in 4 from war, and 3 in 4 from sexual violence. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is a normal emotional and psychological reaction to trauma.
There are phases for PTSD.
Acute Phase, is complete disruption of life, contradicting emotional responses. Victim is often disoriented and disorganized. With two types of reactions. 1. Expressed: openly display emotions, may be agitated and restless. 2. Controlled: may contain emotions, energy is directed inward.
The Reorganization Phase: Reorganizes life and learns to cope again. Different personalities will affect how people "reorganize" their life. Sometimes referred to as the "Outward Adjustment Phase". Social, psychological, sexual & physical reactions.
A possible 3rd Stage... Some believe there to be 3 stages; the third being "The Resolution Phase", where the rape is no longer the central focus of the victim's life. The victim realizes that the rape will remain part of their life, but are able to move on. The person moves from being a victim to being a survivor.
What I somehow missed in my processing of my sexual abuse, the simple fact that I would not be able to rid myself of this. Beneath my clear thinking, was a child like belief, that If I dealt with it, IF I felt it, IF I expressed it, IF I did all the things I could to deal with it totally, that I could remove this from its existence in me. I can't.
I felt a bit let down after my 7 hour training about sexual abuse...to learn that I will not be healed from this...but rather I will learn to control its affects. There is before trauma, trauma and then post trauma. The post trauma will never look like before the trauma.
I know where I slipped into this belief, it was when I accepted "For Now" I will let my old life go, but I don't believe I was totally convinced that I would never see it again.
I would admit to this childhood sexual abuse, deal with it, understand and explore it, but eventually I would return to the girl I was prior to sexual abuse. Become the little girl I was meant to be. But, it snuck in and caught me unaware, that sexual abuse is a huge part of who I am, how I lived my life, and it isn't like a cold or flu that disappears, it stays. It is chronic.
I didn't know this.
Somehow in my naivetty I unconsciously felt I would eventually escape all the baggage that goes along with incest. I would emerge whole...unscarred. Perhaps it is my illusional mind that kept me from seeing abuse, also kept me from seeing the real outcome...that I would learn and adjust, and how to live with it, but it would never totally disappear.
Like chronic pain...it will have its good days and its bad. You manage it...you learn ways to deal.
My fix it personality, believed I could eventually regain my total innocence or before the abuse status. That what was broken, could be fixed like new, restoring myself back to my original self.
Now I know that this is me. The knicks, and chips will be there forever, that I will not get out from behind sexual abuse, that it will remain part of me for the rest of my life.
It is the raw goods that make me me.
How funny it is, that I look at the Martha Becks, the Terry Wises of the world and see their courage and beauty and the hope they display, as to how their lives can still be of worth, and in fact more worthy, for what they can teach, about surviving childhood abuse and its after effects, and yet I wanted to be them, minus my abuse.
I guess I wanted to compartmentalize my life, shutting off parts of it, when in fact my whole life story is the message of hope, not just the 'good' parts.
Even though I have lived full disclosure of my abuse for 7 years, I believed this was a phase I was going through, and that eventually, I would return to 'normal', that I would be healed. Now, I know...all of it is me.
