The feelings of wanting to be rid of the stain from abuse, leads me to feel that with it I am not okay...that something is wrong, I am not whole or complete; that I am ruined.
Somehow we have taken abuse to be a huge negative about us, to who we are and how we are seen by others. Shame enters when we are no longer perfect or whole, when we somehow feel damaged.
We internalize this damage as now being part of who we are, and NOT something that happened to us.
Unlike sickness or even scars from accidents, the wounds from sexual abuse become a direct reflection upon who we are. It slides into the soul and its dark energies invade our sense of self worth.
I am not sure if other abuses do the same thing, but sexual abuse is the one area that is littered with shame and self blame for being victimized.
We own the crime...because it changes who we are.
We are no longer the self we were prior, NOR can we return.
We are forced to live like this now.
It may be due to the damage to the psyche that sexual abuse seeps into who we are and not something that happened to us.
Once our psyche is damaged, we feel we are damaged.
Unlike a broken leg, the psyche is how we perceive the world. And a broken psyche skews how we see the world now.
Abuse that comes from friendly fire if you will, causes the deepest wounds.
In order to maintain the family unit, you have to live with a damaged psyche but not show it. You have to "Honor thy Parents" and in order to do so, you bend or break your psyche to make it so.
The cost of living with a broken psyche is to keep the pain/abuse hidden and out of view. To remain friendly in an unfriendly zone.
The pain, fear and lack of trust is present, we just pretend it isn't so. We continue to try and perceive friendly parents.
To live in a body that knows and a mind that is convinced it isn't so, is to live forward and backwards at the same time.
The damage to the body heals quickly, but the broken psyche will stay broken until you can see the truth of your abusive home.
It seems we are in the tightest of spots. Lose a family or lose your mind.
What other disease or accident would require such a choice?
I do know that living in an abusive home and pretending it isn't so, completely messes with your psyche. I am not sure if it matters, whether your mother hits you or your mother is an alcoholic, the results are the same. You have to pretend that all is well with thee...that life is the facade that is given to the world and not the truth you have experienced.
Bending this truth into something it isn't, is the task each little child has to do, in order to honor thy mother and father...and in doing so they dishonor their own psyche.
I am sitting here today with my psyche unbent, but a family lays in ruin. It was literally my sanity or them.
Somehow we have it more honorable or more loving, more kind and pretty to save a parent and family, than we have to save your own mind.
The affects of abuse, the literal damage to my vagina healed within days/weeks of the event. The damage to my psyche went untreated and actually was exacerbated each time my mother treated Ray Huhta like a loving father and husband.
Perhaps our biggest shame is that we can't, no matter how we try, fix our psyche to match kind illusion that so many adults in our world see.
"Do you see what I see?"
I know that what caused the damage to me, it wasn't the act itself, but the way I had to perceive it...in order to keep a 'loving' family alive.
At 46 years of age, I discovered my broken mind...and it changed my loving family into a broken one.
It has taken 7 years and counting to unbend my broken psyche...and each time it straightened out, my family broke even more.
The contorting you have to do in your mind to change a pedophile into a father, is what a child's mind is forced to do...in order to keep a mother's dream alive...and a father's sickness from being known in the world.
I can't begin to begin to begin, to pick up that wreckage and create a loving family.
I also believe that I have a inner knowing of what a broken psyche looks like, talks like and walks like. I know mental illness now...and in a dysfunctional family, clarity and truth are its worst enemy.
This truly is the seeds of dysfunctional...to break the psyche to not see the harm or to turn it into loving kindness. To not see the harmful parent, but instead see a loving dad or mom.
You either get a broken family or a broken psyche....pick one.
To undo this damage is a journey of a million sorrows and huge gulps of calm peace to finally be one with the truth of what is.
So, what they call psychic blindness, really is to see what isn't there to see.
To see love instead of abuse. And in order to keep a loving family alive in an abusive home, you become the abuse, not them.
You and your sense of self have the value of abuse.
And they who are abuse get the value of love.
I began at zero.
