After 7 years of trying to understand all the aspects of abuse, both in my life and in general, it comes down to either being in reality or not. Sounds simple and seems impossible to NOT be in reality.... but it is extremely hard to do what you feel, and not what is expected. To stand up when everyone else is sitting down...to speak the truth, when most feel uncomfortable with it. Yet, the one thing that keeps us connected to abuse IS our lack of being able to say the truth. To ourselves and to others. To own it and act in harmony with it.
The reason it is so hard is that we are taught at a very young age to leave reality for our love and happiness, we are told, is to remain outside of reality. Love and approval will be withdrawn if you attempt to leave. So, we stay.
In order to stay outside of the truth, we will acquire many many habits that will ease this pain of not being able to embrace our truths.
What is so telling is that when you see folks with abusive behaviors, they are red flags that they are not able to be in the truth. The abusive behaviors ARE there only for one reason, to cover up the pain, they are not allowed to express.
It seems incredible to me that EVEN if they don't want to share their truth, the tools they use to cover it up shouts at us...that they are not living their natural life.
A natural life will not require pain killers. My brother said this on the phone to me. Pain killers are addictions. They are used to kill the pain.
People don't just become addicted to the substance, they become addicted to IT covering up their pain.
I believe the pain is mostly from not being seen as the innocent in abuse, not being validated, and how the family member IS NOT treated like the abuser/criminal that he/she is, and instead is treated and even 'respected' and honored as the parent.
The raising of the perpetrator, lowers the innocent into the water of shame, blame and guilt. This is the pain that we try and eat to cover up, drink to wash it away, etc.
Pain is the only reason we part take in these behaviors IT makes us feel better by not feeling our pain.
I believe that all pain comes from not being able to walk in reality.
We are not allowed to keep reality. It has to be a secret. Hidden.
What came to me yesterday is that the FALC is playing this hide reality game, with its forgiveness of sins and wiping clean the slate. How a whole religion is feeding into this concept blows my mind. The way the church uses this is to keep the abusers clean...and the children Unseen. There are no abused children in the church...for all the 'sins' have been washed away.
This leaves the children invisible...their pain undealt with, and they have to self soothe. And they do so with anything that pushed down their true feelings.
How is a child suppose to stand up for her truth, when family and church vow to keep it hidden?
In order to be in my mother's family, you have to act like abuse didn't happen, that you were NOT affected.
There is no place in the family for you IF you want to explore the multiple ways that abuse and never talking about it, has colored your world. The only way you get to stay in and be fully included is IF you can go on as if NOTHING happened and you are okay.
They don't want to see the evidence of the abuse...for that may make it real...and their current lives a lie.
It is best to shut out abuse and keep their lives.
I know that they are not keeping me out, but rather keeping abuse out of their lives.
They haven't learned a thing from my mother's life.
She did this, and look where it got her?
In the end, her life was still connected with abuse. For whether you admit it or not, abuse tags along...it is there, because you can't erase reality.
Abuse tags along no matter what addiction you use to kill it. It survives. Truth goes nowhere. The only way to be at peace is to see abuse...to feel all the emotions that abuse truly is.
Once you feel it, you will have no need to cover it up. And we see the cover up and we know why you need it. Those who live in their truth have no reason for pain killers.
