IMPERFECT Lady

Passed me by.

Iyanla Vanzant and Oprah held a Life Class on Guilt...I heard it on Sirius Radio as I drove along on the mail route.

Iyanla said, "You cannot forgive a Lie."  

I know this is right.  

What I need first is the truth, without the truth, what would I be forgiving?

The definition of forgiveness that I heard long ago from Martha Beck goes something like this... "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past can be any different."

If you sit with that awhile, it is about being truthful.  When you are truthful you are forgiving.  

Ironically or not, near the end of my route, as I just completed shutting the mailbox and getting ready to pull back on the road, I checked my rearview mirror first and then up ahead.  A dark grey vehicle was approaching me and a grey haired woman was driving, she waves...and as she comes abreast of me, I realize it is my mother. I pull out and drive on to the next mail box....no wave.

No wave, nor was there any other deep seeded emotion.  

No anger, rage, disgust, nothing.

Two women on two different paths...meeting.  She in her life and I in mine.

In the past, an encounter with my mother would leave me rattled.  Was it due to the fact, we had vehicles between us and the open road?  Or is because I no longer have negative energy being held in her memory inside of me?  I can't know.

I didn't feel compelled to stop or to wave, nor did my emotional body change.

I didn't go into a childlike state of wishing or lamenting.

I wasn't moved in any direction, beside to continue doing that which I was doing before I came upon her.

I felt it best I write about it, to make sure I noted our crossing...to be with it awhile. To honor it. To feel it.  To be with it awhile.

I believe, that I have forgiven her, for I have seen her truth.  

I am no longer wishing that the past was different.  

I am no longer wishing she was different.

My last glance of her, was when I drove by the house she was entering, my brothers. She was with many of his little girls walking beside her.  A grandmother with her granddaughters.

My lost family continues, without me.

Her wave was like a toddle lu wave, a jaunty little greeting...she had to have seen me first, my blinking mail light flashing...and she is way okay driving by a daughter she hasn't seen in over six years.

The wave and our estrangement seems to fight each other, or perhaps not.

That is the wave you give to a stranger you once knew.

Me...I didn't even have a chance to raise my hand, for it took a few seconds to recognize her and by then, she had passed me by.

Lost the Consequences.

The hardest part of being a mom for me is to be the consequence lady, to remember that I am in control, that I do have the ability to pull things away; instead of being the fish on the line, I can be the one holding the line.  When I lose control, I LOSE control of me.  

I am a slow learner, I will wiggle angrily on the line, feeling that I am being jerked and toyed with, before asking how I got here and when did I let go of the pole?

How did I allow my child to be in charge of me?  

When I feel out of control inside, most likely I have given up control of me.  I have slipped beneath the surface and am hanging on the line...wishing and hoping things would be different...a victim snagged.

Mothering has taught me to control myself, rather than try to control my kids. As soon as I believe that my child controls my temper, we are both lost. 

First I wrestled with reality and then I turned inside and tried to settle my anger, and then I realized, I can make a difference in my son's life by eliminating the perks he enjoys...making a consequence for his actions. 

As soon as I did this the world balanced out.

He is in charge of how he acts.

I am in charge of the consequence.

Empowerment replaced helplessness...by taking control of me...and releasing his behavior to him.

I knew as I rode around and around on the lawn mower, that I was the one who cared more.  And, the one who cares the least, has the most power.  First I tried not caring that he wasn't doing his work. That didn't work.

Then, I tried not caring about doing the mom thing, that didn't work.

Then it dawned on me to not care if he had privileges..that worked.

I can't care more about his life then him.

And I learned when I am out of control... I have lost the consequences.

Mini Vacation

I am on a three day weekend, a mini vacation. I wanted to do relaxing fun things for at least two of my three days.  I spent my first day with my daughter, we seen an Art Show and shopped...had lunch.  It was nice to spend time with her.  I didn't take any pictures of our day together...it was a day of ease.

Yesterday I drove to visit a friend...a few surprises awaited me.  And I did pull out my camera...

Here is her inviting deck...an outdoor room.  A bright spot added to her home.

And I spotted these rocks around her flower garden...painted by her and her twin daughters. She had told me they were into painting rocks and had sold some while camping.  LIVE LOUD is a favorite.  Art and inspiring.

And here are her laying hens cooling in the shade. Well, her husband's.  They love to eat flowers and are still too young to lay eggs.  In the fall she will have fresh eggs.

We then drove a few miles and arrived at Lake Superior...

A picture perfect beach...

Prepared to spend the afternoon.  Just relax and enjoy!  Soaking up Nature.

We had company at our spot later in the day...her daughters, a cousin and friend. Always amazed at how empty this beautiful sandy beach is...like a private island paradise. 

Nature's gifts for us to enjoy...and we did.  

Days of family, friends, Art and Nature...life.

Seen and Understood.

"The people who have lost their parents and families due to abuse deserve the utmost respect and support. These people have risked it all to heal and stand up for the truth. These people are heroes and angels who hold a horrific reality for everyone else. They have suffered and escaped, and for that, I bow my head in reverence."  Rythea Lee

What I love about her writtings, is how she totally gets it from the point of view of the abused; how we lost our parents and families due to abuse.  What a different perspective compared to how most see me...as leaving a family...and not that I lost a family.

Slight is the angle of words, yet how vast is the difference. One blames me, the other corrects that.

One seems to set me as uncaring...like if I cared enough I could have a family.

That a family is still there waiting, not a collection of toxic relationships.

Vital is the difference in understanding, there is no family there.

No nurturing loving cove.

I love how she writes, "hold a horrific reality for everyone else"  Yes, that seems perfect to me.  Nice to be acknowledge from the outside.

Rythea also writes, "We do not live in a world where abuse is acknowledged and dealt with as an epidemic, relentless, radical situation.  If we did, there would be systems of support that help families, children, and adult survivors prevent and heal from trauma. There would be programs in schools teaching children about abuse and encouraging them to speak up about things that are happening to them. There would be extensive programs for all parents to learn and share about abuse prevention and treatment. There would be funding put forward for a complete revamping of our foster care system, which, as it is, does not protect children in foster care. The entire mentality of “family” would be questioned and explored in our communities and organizations to foster support at every level of functioning."

I love that she too uses the word epidemic...and that it is relentless.  Very few acknowledge the volume, even when the numbers are as she writes, "One out of 4 girls and one out of 6 boys will experience contact sexual abuse by the age of 18 (Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, 2005). This statistic should cause the kind of alarm that is aimed at war and environmental break -down. What could be more important than a child’s safety? Isn’t it obvious that child abuse becomes the stem of violence that pervades our nation and beyond?"

I love her frankness and where she directs her focus.  I feel the weight of blame being directed at me, changing course.  Just reading, that I lost a family, I didn't leave one, makes my body relax...I always felt it was no different than losing them all in a tragic accident...yet they are not dead. 

I bow my heart in thanks, for getting our walk...and for you caring enough to write your experience of seeing me. It feels good to be seen and understood.

 

These quotes were written by Rythea Lee. Her new book Trauma into Truth: Gutsy Healing and Why It’s Worth It is available at Amazon.com. Rythea Lee has a private practice in Northampton, Massachusetts and teaches workshops and classes for healing and self-expression. You can read more about her and her dance theatre company, the Zany Angels, at http://www.zanyangels.com . You can also see Rythea Lee perform on youtube.

Final Act of Abuse.

I have permission from Rythea Lee, to use her article "Leaving the Family System" - An Honorable Choice" here on my blog.  There were so many things I wanted to unpack in this article.

The first paragraph alone.

By Rythea Lee

As a therapist, I have worked with people who have been beaten, raped, psychologically tormented, severely neglected, and in many other ways profoundly betrayed by their parents or family members. Never, in my 15 years of working with people, have I heard of one of these abusers taking responsibility for what they did. Most of the time, my client is the one person in the family who is dealing with the abuse. The rest of the family and extended family refuse to talk about the incidents. Frequently, they belittle the truth teller, depict them as the one in the wrong, and even call them crazy. These clients over years of time, experience blame, shaming, walls of silence, verbal attacks, and are disowned if they continue to try and bring up the subject of past abuse. Many clients pretend the abuse never happened in order to stay close to family members while secretly suffering from the horrors of the damage. Most people don’t realize how common the pattern is- the one who remembers loses everything. The one who got hurt carries all the pain. The one who was a child victim is victimized again as an adult. It is wrong and it happens everyday."

She affirms my experience. It isn't that I am a special case or that my family has acted differently than most, we are like her clients.  It isn't unusual...however it certainly doesn't make healing from sexual abuse within a family an easy journey.

It feels good to have a therapist recognize this.

She goes on to say;

"Some survivors of abuse who come to terms with the atrocities of their childhood recognize that some family members if not all of them are too toxic to be in contact with. In more blatant terms, some people recognize that crimes have been committed and no justice has been served. There is an understanding that a child’s life was threatened and damaged, that the abuse caused lasting physical, emotional, sexual, relational, and energetic effects. When this reality is faced, usually after years of intense therapy, some people choose to cut off contact with direct offenders or portions of their families, for months, years, or forever."

It is when you come to terms with the atrocities of your childhood, that you are then looking at who performed them, that you then have to step back, ask for space...knowing that not only abused happened, but your life is now filled with issues due to it.  You simply can't afford to allow any more abuse while you are trying to rid yourself of its affects.  Taking back your life and setting up boundaries is in my opinion, a crucial act of choice.  Choice is one tool that helps us regain our power.

Most have no real understanding, WHY we have to leave our families in order to heal, the two paragraphs above help explain why.  Perhaps hearing this from a therapist and not a survivor will lend a different view.  

Here is her third paragraph.

"What I have witnessed as a therapist is that this boundary is essential for some survivors of abuse. The healing really begins once this boundary is made. Once they have clearly decided that the perpetrators behavior is not healthy for them to connect with, they are then ready to feel, express, open up, and trust themselves and others. For these people, pretending or ignoring the abuse is not an option."

It is true, you are only ready to feel, express and open up and trust yourself, AFTER you set up the boundaries.  You can't do this while nestled in the dysfunctional family unit.  Your body and soul KNOW it isn't safe to do so.  I also love, "pretending or ignoring the abue is not an option."  It wasn't for me.  However, I do believe IT IS and option for many. I have witnessed this, as incredible as it seems, most choose this option.

I will stop for today, at this fourth one.

"It is important to say that the decision to cut off family is an incredibly painful one that comes with huge losses that are hard to imagine from the outside. It is one of the hardest choices a survivor will make. We live in a culture, in a world, where family is everything. Parents who abuse are protected in our culture. Once doors are closed, parents can get away with almost anything. People who do not speak to family lose all resources- money and all financial safety nets, comfort, basic support, tribe, belonging, and roots. Not only that but they become “different” than most others in the world, are shunned and isolated for an act of survival and self-preservation. Some friends of survivors feel such discomfort when facing the reality of what can happen in families that they lobby for the norm that families must stick together. Once again, instead of the survivor getting support, they get misunderstanding and criticism."

She has depicted my journey...she is right, we "once again, instead of the survivor getting support, they get misunderstanding and criticism."

The very thing we need to survive, IS the very thing they use to berate us.

"Not only that but they become “different” than most others in the world, are shunned and isolated for an act of survival and self-preservation."

In what other recovery, is this necessary?  

It is hard to explain, but after abuse we are already precariously balanced, and it almost seems that we get further abused for trying to come to terms with it, for standing by our truth, we are shunned and isolated.  Leaving us alone with an abused psyche and a life that is filled with vestiges of our abuse; relationships and beliefs, religions to name a few.  

Our asses get kicked while leaving...like the families final act of abuse.

Rythea has a website, www.zanyangels.com

The Churches Stance of Innocent.

S.M.A.R.T.  Has another article, "False Allegations of Child Sexual Abuse are Rare"

http://ritualabuse.us/research/false-allegations-of-child-sexual-abuse-by-children-are-rare/

I feel that in society, the numbers are flipped, that the overall sentiment, is that you can't trust a child's words; and that  adults lie rarely.  

I have even felt the skeptism as I talk about abuse, that the overall push back is that I have to work harder to convince that my words are truthful, that there is an uphill climb to get folks to believe.  

And I surely can understand the bend we are trying to unbend.  

Using Joe Paterno as an example...it is up to us to go against the legendary status already in place, to take an image of a person and add bits to their reality, which they have worked to keep covered, OR like Joe Paterno, their lives were lived large, the few instances of knowing and doing nothing seemed so small.

I know that it seems incredible that credible people do unimaginable things.  

But they do.

In my experience, the image of Pete Torola was like that of Joe Paterno, perhaps he didn't have a statue, instead they built a monstrous church; his castle.  His history as being the leader of the church was what we have to take down.  He too knew about various stories of sexual abuse and did nothing. Didn't report one to my knowledge.  He is remembered as the preacher of the FALC, not as a man who knew and did nothing. I for one would love to see his history reflected in the truth.

This is the push we have to go against, we the children/adult children of sexual abuse...as we are reporting incidences.  It isn't that the crime isn't so big, BUT the image of the man we are naming is of epic proportions in comparison to our lives.

Trying to convince my mother, that my experience of her husband, wasn't her experience of her husband, never happened.  

The imbalance between the child whose life doesn't carry a long list of legenday acts going up against men who have lives and allies...is a near impossible feat.  

I wonder if this is why it typically takes until we are adults to go against the abusers, where we feel the ground is more equal?

What I have felt as an adult coming forth, is that my life has to exemplify the truth impeccably, while the abuser doesn't have to lift a finger to have folks standing in awe of his journey as if it were the complete truth.

My father did not have to defend his history, his wife and children did it for him.

They in turn have me labeled as insane, mental, post traumatic, crazy.  Me, for standing by his complete history, with the truth of all the little girls completely intact. I personally have not plea bargained them down to a misdemeanor.  I have stood by each girls story and believe them and their innocence and that my father is indeed guilty.

This is reenacted in every court in the land...each time an abused child presses charges.

The abuser is held as innocent UNTIL proven guilty.

Which by default, makes us guilty until he is proven guilty.

The lawyers are all lined up fighting for the innocence of the abuser, while the abused sits guilty...usually watching their truth being chipped away in plea bargain after plea bargain.  

In the end, they are left sitting with a partial truth being hung up...a partial truth of their abuser's actions towards them.  He isn't allowed to stand in the courtroom with the truthful actions fully displayed, they whittle it down to be so small, until it appears senseless to bring it to trial.

This one act, which isn't allowed to remain in tact, is supposed to change the image of the abuser. How?  How when the act isn't even complete by the time the lawyers get done with it?

I don't recall now, what the actual charges my father was actually sentenced with, but they didn't reflect the statement of the Detective.  The words of the little girls were not in the courtroom.

What the victims had wrote and the final accusation, was a world apart.

The truth was there, but it wasn't used in the trial.

It is no wonder that the images of these men in the courtroom are seldom changed, for even the judges and the lawyers will not stand with the truth.  

Unless like at Penn State, where the sheer numbers of guys coming forth forced the court to act differently.  Impossible to go against such numbers.  It shows again, how powerful the abusers are.  It takes more than one to topple them down.

Which is why I feel that the numbers of abused in the FALC, can and will do the same.  Banded together...we can impact the churches stance of innocent.  

I once again ask that you call Tom Rosemurgy with information.

 

"Leaving the Family System - An Honorable Choice, by Rythea Lee

On the link below is a wonderful article that affirms my journey...written by a therapist.

 http://ritualabuse.us/research/leaving-the-family-system-an-honorable-choice/

I highly recommend reading if you are a victim of child abuse.

 

Inability to see evil.

Today's Reading from Mark Nepo's Book of Awakening.

"We are the stage and all the players."

"One of the great contributions of psychology has been to help us understand how we replay our hurts and affections with people other than those who have hurt or touched us. There are many names for this, the more wellknown being “projection” and “transference.” In essence, we play what has been said or done, or what hasn't been said or done, over and over, until we come to terms with it. The coming to terms is called healing, surrender, letting go, or even forgiveness.

"Being yelled at and then later kicking the dog is the stereotype of this. Yet more often, we replay the styles of clumsy love we experience. For example, while growing up, I endured the cold dismissal of my truest feelings. When I would show my hurt, I was seen as trying to weaken my parents' resolve. They then turned their backs on me, as if by showing my pain, I was trying to trick them. "

"Having experienced this, I am especially sensitive to the pains of those close to me, yet there are times when I catch myself holding firm, just out of reach, replaying my parents' role as well as my own. This is humbling and upsetting, to say the least."

"But just as germs must run their course, all the players in our dramas must be voiced before they will leave us be. Just as we keep trying to get what we never got from someone else who doesn't know our game, we also keep the trespass alive by reenacting it on others nearby until we can humbly know what it is to be hurtful—the first step toward forgiveness."

"I have seen myself doing what was done to me, never as cruel or as harsh. But it has been enough to make me tremble at how easy it is to be cruel when afraid, and how difficult it is to accept that we are all capable of terrible things, and how cleansing it is to realize that true kindness breathes just beneath this acceptance." Mark Nepo

I have been a researcher and explorer of how abuse colored my world and have been actively working to color life differently.  While most may feel, that you just have to accept what was done, forgive and move on.

I know that abuse will follow you in all your actions and reactions.  It isn't just an act done to you, it is the environment you breathe in.  It and you are inseparable.  

You were built in the vapors of actions and reactions in how the adults in your home treated you, responded to you, and what emotions they used in your presence...or which ones they withheld.

It permates all avenues of your life.  It is at the core of who you are. It is how you learned to see life, others and how to respond. What to do with the truth, how to reframe all hurts, and what to show and what to hide.  It is in the DNA of who you are.

It isn't something you acknowledge, like a cut knee, and move on...it is a virus that lives inside of you.

An abusive act isn't a separated event, it is an ongoing lifestyle.  My parents whole life style echoed abuse.  My whole lifestyle was an example of theirs.  Isolating abuse to one event, is impossible.

My father's abuse to me wasn't 'just one event' in our otherwise rosey relationship.

My mother's failure to respond, wasn't just one time she missed seeing a negative trait of my father...

It was how they saw life, period.

The container called Mother, was not able to see my father as a pedophile, and due to this, we were left as being 'unabused'.

This gap in reality is where my mother lived.

She mothered from an awkward place...and in order to live there, you had to leave your truth behind.

What she seen, she taught us to see...and what she didn't want to see, she ignored.

We were raised not in reality, but in a dream state she wanted.

We entered into her reality when we were born, not just in the one act of abuse.

We lived there.

It is like the paragraph from the blog about PTSD

http://adultsurvivors.blogspot.com/

Post Traumatic Stress In Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse

"...Suppose that in the midst of a tornado a child sought comfort and protection from his parents and was told, "What tornado? It's a beautiful day...Go outside and play." That's how crazy and unsafe the world seems to some children. Some survivors have tried to tell the truth about the abuse and were called liars or accused of being responsible for the abuser's behavior."

This is the environment I was raised in. It wasn't just one event, it was the whole landscape upon which I learned about life.

Somehow, many believe, that we lived a completely normal life, except for one event or two, that we had normal loving, nurturing parents.  And that we can 'forgive' them this one time, for otherwise all was well within the family.

It isn't so.

You can't pick apart just one event, it is the whole lifestyle.

Where the whole apparatus is backwards.  Where tornados of abuse are not seen...and so at the most crucial time of needing someone, they can't see the storm that hurt you.

As a child, you then learn to absorb this truth and make sense of it on your own. You learn that your mother will only accept sunshine and blue skies..."If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all..."

My whole life view was incorrect...it left out abuse.

When I brought abuse in...my whole view changed.

I changed.

I had to reconnect me back to reality, including all the dark skies and places that I had forgiven or ignored.

A huge red flag of an abused person is their inability to see evil.

My Lady and I....the book.

Below is the link to ordering my book.  It is a bit expensive, but it is a table top book, an book of Art...a Memoir.  Which I heard today from Cherly Strayed, it is writing about the meaning behind your experience.  I am very pleased both with my experiene, the meanings I have received and the book.  

http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/invited/2804976/a22d6e53844eba296736d3f014cde2752024100b

The Final Straw

As reality is working to right itself at Penn State, it offers a wealth of conversation about what serves the victims and then what serves those who are standing on the side of abuse; even in knowing silences.

You will not satisfy both sides.  

As a victim who has known the 'other side' of these men in high places, it does wonders to see them put into reality.  Not lower than they should be, just where they ought to be.

We don't want fantascies, but we do want reality.

It is a secondary pain to have an abuser held up to high esteem or to be put at the head of the table. It messes with our psyche, to have such extreme opposites exist.

And when folks who are not abusing, but in friendships or looking toward the abusers or those who know and do nothing as if they are normal or even a pillar in society, we begin to doubt our own minds.

Seeing reality focusing into place that matches our experiences, corrects our minds and settles our psyche.

It matters greatly, no matter how many years later, to have these corrections made.

It isn't so much justice, but reality righting itself.

What I believe causes the most stress and anxiety after abuse, is the way 'normal' folks react to our abuser.  We feel we are insane, when no one treats him any differently.  He gets treated normal or even higher than normal, while we are left knowing a truth that no one appears to see. And eventually, we too begin to believe how others act over our own knowing and truth.

Reality is much easier to navigate if all people see and respond to abuse the same, but this will not happen. For many want to preserve a reality, prior to abuse or knowing of abuse, so silence ensues.  If no one acts like abuse exists, perhaps it will fade away.

Penn State offers to us, what happens when many are silent. AND, what happens when many speak up.  

The boys who spoke up, are the heroes and they are served each time a person who knew and did nothing leaves.

It shows it was wrong.  Wrong is what we want to hear, for it matches with our reality.

I am hopeful that one day the FALC will have its day in the sun, where the eyes of the world will see what lies there and it will match my eyes.  Where the pillars will fall.  All it takes is for the abused to speak up.  One at a time.  Each voice is a nudge that will push the top down.

Speaking up is power for the victims and will leave the abusers powerless.  You never know if it is your story, that is the final straw.