"I don't address Ellen as a victim or "survivor" but as a subject. She is the subject of her own unconsciousness, and, as a subject, she knows where to lead me, and she can become responsible for the havoc and suffering and choices of her own unconscious life. Even as a child, when she's eleven, this process of listening to the unconscious and becoming responsible can begin. From my point of view she is responsible for not telling, which doesn't mean she's to blame." Annie G. Rogers
A lot is being said in these few sentences.
Changing the words and veiwpoints from being a victim or survivor of abuse to being the Subject of your own Unconsciousness is not only huge, but accurate.
It is about exploring the deep inner workings of how you live the way you live.
You are the subject that you are exploring and learning about, NOT the abuse. You can't get free of being unconsciously moved about, unless and until you can see it. See it and understand the whys.
By hiding from yourself, you are in the dark about so many things. And yet, your actions are showing.
Somehow we believe that if we do not go deeply into our histories and delve into the actions of our parents, we will escape. But in fact it is the opposite. You are held prisoner of your past when you fail to see it.
The words victim and survivor didn't explain me as much as an explorer of my unconsciousness. I had to know how I was able to live a life clueless of my abuse...for 46 years.
I had to dig up what was going on in my childhood, the lay of the land, and to see who was doing what to whom and what was the response, in order to see how I grew to be the way I was.
Just the fact, that I could live for 46 years unaware of my abuse, shows that I was unconscious of the truth of my own life.
Knowing this startling fact, was where I began my search to know about me. In learning about me, I was also learning about my family. I wasn't created in a vacuum.
I was born into a play that was already going. I had to learn the language of my parents home.
In reading Annie G. Roger's book, "Unsayable"...I clearly was guided sublimibly.
In order to keep their play going, I had my part. It wasn't about my life, but theirs.
Their play is still running, even after a few of us left the stage, the players are still maintaining the lead roles as accurate, even if the truth disputes it.
In order for me to go back into the family, I would have to become unconscious again, which is impossible. For once you know, you can't not know.
Listening to my unconsciousness is what guided me to find me. First I found me mental and broken, and could clearly see how I had to be in order to keep their story going. And once I seen how my behaviors were for them and for hiding abuse, I was then able to make new choices.
I also love how she says, "she is responsible for not telling, which doesn't mean she's to blame."
What is so confusing, is that if we tell, we are then accused of breaking apart a family and if we don't tell, we are then blamed for hiding abuse. Which of the two evils do you want to pick? Neither are the truth. Yet somehow society has the person who has experienced the abuse, as the one who is responsible.
Never is the abuser blamed for either. When in fact he/she holds the responsiblity of doing both.
Tearing a family apart happens when the abuse occurrs...and it is for their personal benefit to keep it hidden. It is their unconsciousness being exposed.
If we all can start the language and conversations about exploring our unconsciousness, we can begin to find answers to abusive behaviors.
Abuse is our unconsciousness speaking to us. When we turn our backs or hide, or if we deny it, it doesn't go away. It will continue to run and spread.
My father's uncosncioussness was telling a story in his actions. Those who refused to believe what he was saying, allowed him to speak it again. If, the courts of the land understood this. They would put him away so his truth didn't hurt another...and begin the process of having him explore his own life to reconcile his own childhood truths.
There is only one way abuse can stop its cycle, and that is by awareness of your unconsciousness.
