The chance encounter with my mother, was a snapshot of my relationship with her, the fleeting casual wave as she drove on...into her destination where she wasn't challenged, but rather accepted without question from the little girls.
Driving by the one who wants, okay demands the truth. Wanting her voice and her history to reflect reality, wanting my mother to stop and ask...she toddle lu waves and heads into the driveway where it is now easier to be a grandmother than mother, let alone woman. Pushing past the uncomfortable for comfort from the children.
I looked up the word estrangement. "Alienation: separation resulting from hostility." I believe I have been looking upon my estrangement as something that started with me. That I 'decided' to leave...but not that I was leaving due to the hostile environment. My separation came as a result from hostility. I didn't create the hostility I left due to the hostility.
I didn't leave my parents due to a difference of opinions. I left and separate resulting from hostility.
I looked up Hostility too. "Hostile behavior; unfriendliness or opposition."
Beneath it were the synonyms of animosity, antagonism, ill will.
I knew that I was pushing back while hollering loudly... backing up and leaving, BUT those behaviors were due to what I was feeling there. I was feeling the hostility, unfriendliness and ill will. I wasn't backing up because there was too much love.
I was backing up because there was no love.
The attention was on me backing up, MY Estrangement, not why I was separating even though I knew the cause. Like my nephew used to say when he was a little boy, "This isn't my poor choice!"
I also believe that in dysfunctional families that hostility is the answer to the truth.
We are afraid to say our truths for the way others will react. It isn't the truth we are afraid of but, the Hostility to follow.
In loving homes, truth isn't met with hostility.
I wasn't able to bring my truth in...not without there being hostility.
Even among my sisters, some turned very hostile, when I continued and still continue to speak of reality. While they are defending their parents and saying they did their best, they don't know they are being hostile to me.
The way of dysfunctional families is to turn hostile on the truth in defense of the lies and illusions.
I separted from my family as the result of hostility.
