In listening to Iyanla Vanzant speak to Oprah about Family Secrets, I learned a few things.
One, that secrets are usually to protect someone....and secondly, that it is due to shame and guilt. Also, Fear of a consequence IF the secret were to be known and to Cover Up a poor choice.
I guess when I thought of secrets, what I focused on was the secret If you will and not the reason that a person decides a secret is the way forward. I was short sighted and stopped with the lie. Not why the lie was formed or what it was the best option, but the lie itself, isolated; a character flaw. But, I failed to see the life of the secret.
Secrets usually are after a poor choice has been made and it can't be fix, so then a secret is a way of covering it up, by not mentioning it or trying to hide it.
I didn't realize that their are legitimate reasons for lying even if they don't work...that a poor choice that can't be fixed is a source for a secret. That the person feels if we find out about the poor choice, that we will then look upon them differently, that they may be rejected or that they don't want to disappoint us.
Imagine a history behind the secret...I didn't know.
I wasn't looking deeply into the pathology of secrets, but rather at the secret...not the why.
The why is key to knowing the cause of the secret and why it grew...and why a relationship was void of trust, how betrayal seemed to be the kinder option.
They also spoke of secrets making you sick. The negative fear based energy and the guilt and shame that lives with secrets will infect other areas of your life.
I just was amazed at the multi-faceted nature of lies/secrets...how it weaves and grows a life of its own.
She also said that typically the secret comes out, when the pain of keeping a secret out weighs the pain of the secret. That was interesting too.
That the shame of the secret itself becomes a lesser pain...for the pain of lying becomes harder to do and is more painful.
The Truth shall set you free. Free from the pain, shame etc that the secret was meant to cover up. Who knew that a secret was a cover up???
