IMPERFECT Lady

Poke Holes in the Spell.

I found myself in a strange spot, where my intentions never made it to their home, where my concerns were intercepted by anger and judgment.  

My love and concern left my body and before they landed, anger and judgment were fully encased in my words.

Concern's content was completely disheveled and twisted.

My concern had landed in a place where love was unwelcome and unseen.

It is shocking and horrifying and greatly intriguing to witness this.

What is so odd is that I literally do not hold any judgment within me, nor any anger...that inside me is caring concern and love.

When I attempt to give what is within me to this other person, it feels the opposite of my intention.

And, I am being blamed for something that isn't mine.

I am being blamed for being angry when I am not angry.

I am being blamed for being judgmental when I am not judgmental.

And, it seems she wants me to change.

How can I change what isn't inside of me???

It is so complexing and so maddening.  For IF there was anger I could deal with it.

If there was judgment, I could deal with it.

But, if there is only loving kindness and grave concerns....how can I change them, and what would that look like?

It seems odd that in order for her to feel loving kindness, I have to care less, be less concerned, less involved, less speaking...to stop caring.

What I am learning about yet again is how each of us carry a definition of love, and it is from there that we recieve and experience life.

It matters greatly what your definition of love is.  

What does love feel like to you?

The world can't give you love, only you can define what love is.

The way abuse shows itself most clearly is by your definition of love.

When an abuser does his grooming well, you will flip around love and fear.

You will not fear him, but love him...and then you will fear those who truly love you.

It is an amazing transformation in its tragic outcome.

The mind is now set to recieve loving concern as anger and judgment...you push away from loving concerns...feeling it as anger.

And, there is nothing the giver can do...for a mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.

Life may show itself differently over time...something may jar this incorrect definition lose, but until then..I am a bystander watching the train of abuse...wind its insidious way in someone I love.

I am once again tagged as the monster and the real monster sits unscathed.

While under the spell of this grooming, you clearly can't see or feel.  Hence, abuse is allowed to continue on.  You are now incapacitated or incapable to discern good or evil.  

I lived under this spell.  I believed my mind against all evidence to the contrary in real life.  I get this spell.  I understand the grips of control it has on your life.

What I didn't have while under the spell of abuse was an adult person to speak the truth.  No one contradicted my mind.  No one challenged me.  No one led me to believe that my mind was wrong.

I feel deeply, that when I bump up against someone whose mind is under the spell of abuse, that I do my due diligence to poke holes in the spell.

Breaking the Silence of Abuse.

My quilts arrive at Fisher Hall, 135.  The venue wasn't quite prepared for them, but we managed to get them on display. They held their own, caught a few eyes...Even if the students didn't attend the RAINN movie and discussion, the quilts will be a memory...A Lady, her quilts and their story.

A young man stopped by, and spoke to me about how his mom quilted.  I believe, if we didn't put the quilts with a designated event topic that most steer clear of, but rather just display them....and let them draw folks in...they will give awareness to the affects of abuse and the wonder and power of facing your truth.

Two of my daughters came...Grace and beauty as they move around and helped with the quilts.   I do appreciate their willingness to attend.

And the Dial Help women....tirelessly offering their help with victims.  Trying to gain a visible stand in our community.  It isn't that their message or efforts are not what victims need....it is that victims are not made aware.  

I find it a very complex and perplexing image....Victims in need, but not being led to those who have alot to offer....And those with alot to offer....wanting to catch the ears of victims. What seems to be a no-brainer, ends up leaving both sides wanting.

It is my humble opinion, that there are changes in the WIND, that we can create and shorten the span between the two sides. That we will no longer need events that 'educate', but rather we will host events that show the progress, the success and the creative power of breaking the silence of abuse.

Thanks everyone who participated....

Doing Nothing.

"Few situations can be bettered by going berserk." —MELODY BEATTIE 

"It was the philosopher Michael Zimmerman who told the story of being a boy in school when someone passed him a pair of Chinese handcuffs, a seemingly innocent thimblelike casing with an opening at each end. It was passed to him without a word, and, of course, through curiosity, he slipped his left forefinger in one end and then his right in the other. Mysteriously, what made them handcuffs was that the more you tried to pull your fingers out, the tighter they held you. Feeling caught, he panicked and pulled harder. The small cuffs tightened. But suddenly, it occurred to him to try the opposite, and as he leaned his fingers into the problem, the small casing slackened and he could gently and slowly work his fingers free. So many times in life our pulling in panic only handcuffs us more tightly. In this small moment, the philosopher as a boy reveals to us the paradox that underscores all courage: that leaning into what is gripping us will allow us to work our way free."                                Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

 

This is a hard won lesson for me. My initial instinct where abuse and/or denying the truth is concerned, is to berserk.  To freak out!  Perhaps it is all the years that I did not respond, that I am now over responding to any little hint of there being an imbalance of power.

What I fail to remember, is that it is not about me.  I become powerless when I go berserk.  I lose control in that moment of time.  

And most often the abuse has already happened...the crime has been committed, the event is over, and here I stand acting like the fire has just begun...when it has already turned to coals.

My inner responses are a few years too late...

If an abuser is good, if their grooming and courting is spot on, no one sees the fire blazing.  It remains hidden between the two...the victim and the abuser.  When done correctly, no one notices the soot spots on the victim...for she picks up part of the dance...of silence and sneaking around.  The time to freak is when it is impossible to see the fire.

By the time it becomes aware, the damage is done. The victim has been turned around and upside down and calls abuse by another name.

What then is the best response?  How do you undo the careful crafting of abuse?

And, there are two kinds of grooming or courtship.  One is with false kindness and the other with sheer terror and threats.

How do you intervene into these confused minds?

I can see that my 'efforts' of berserkness is not helpful.  

It takes sheer will to breathe calmly in the aftermath of abuse... A will I have not mastered at all.  

What I go berserk about is that the victim isn't seeing. I guess I believe If I put on a dramatic display they will wake up. Usually though, I just appear scary.

My strong suit is when they see their own confused mind and are asking for clarity.

It is complicated when someone you love is sleeping in a dream that is far away from the truth, and it is draining their power and self esteem...

What I do know, is that I woke up after 46 years and had but a teeny tiny seed of self and was able to grow strong by being aware and seeing the truth.

Tom Rosemurgy asked me, "What could we have done to make you become aware while you lived in denial?"  It is a question that continues to plague me.

However, I do know that it would have been uncomfortable, BUT helpful to have people question me...instead of sit in silent disagreement, but rather voice their concerns...even freaking out. 

What I noticed most, looking back, is the silence of many while knowing abuse lived in our childhood home. What I didn't know then, is that many who were silent had the same type of energy in their own homes.  A fire seeing another fire as normal or at least nothing to get shook up about.

Going berserk may have been helpful in gaining my attention.  IF, the person doing the theatrics was someone I trusted.

When abuse lives in the home you trust, your trust is put in a container that doesn't have your best interest at heart.  

My over responding to abuse most likely is brought on by the apathy of many. What would seem a normal active response to abuse never appears...in its place, silence and blindness arrive. 

The overwhelming insanity is what I see the most. 

A whole church full of people NOT responding.  Their Board Members, Mission Chairperson, Ministers, mothers and fathers....silently blind when abuse is spoken about.

Going berserk seems to be a typical response for me when you put it up against their massive group denial.

As a child, it would have been helpful to have even one person going berserk on my behalf.  One lady standing up and speaking the truth.  One eye to see me in abuse. 

For it is indeed true, "All it takes for evil to continue is for good people to do nothing."

I may go berserk, but in my book it still is better than doing nothing.

Breaking into your life!

My Lady Quilts are leaving the basement again, they have another appearance scheduled.  RAINN (Rape, Assault, Incest, National Network) will be held at Michigan Tech's Fisher Hall at 7:30 on September 27....tomorrow evening.  I will be on the panel, there will a film shown and I will do a brief talk.  The quilts will be on display...

They want me to talk about support and what is helpful....and I have thought about this from many angles and I believe ANY action towards speaking out is a move in the right direction.  

I believe that most people think, "speaking out" is to go public with your very private information.  When in fact, it is to speak about it to someone who you feel will listen and be a compassionate listener.  

What I know of Tom Rosemurgy, is that he will not expect you to go public, to take this person to court, but rather to just put your voice to what happened.

While I know many believe, that if you know it, it is enough. But, keeping it in and not sharing it, makes it a secret.  

Listening to Iyanla talk about family secrets and how it is there to protect someone...in the case of physical and sexual abuse within a family...the child/adult child is protecting the abusive parent.

You are as sick as your secret was another line in the discussion. How keeping quiet and not airing your family's secret comes with a physical, emotional cost to you.

Dial Help and Tom Rosemurgy are not expecting you to go down a certain path, but they want to help you let down the weight of the untold story of your life.

Holding silence and carrying a lie breeds its own energy field of fear, shame and guilt.

It isn't so much about the actual act, but rather the consequences of living a life that isn't true.

If you are not able to tell a family member a trusted friend....etc...I would highly suggest reaching out towards Dial Help and/or Tom Rosemurgy.  Both are very victim oriented.  

Tomorrow night's RAINN event is to bring awareness, to help support and offer ways in which to regain your world after abuse.  The affects of living life against the truth of what you know....is the hardest part.

Most often it is someone you knew and trusted....and now you are left with a new knowing, but yet are not allowed to act like you have seen a different side.

It leaves you pretending or lying. Silence about the change will wear on you over time...draining your power, your confidence etc.  The silence and lie may protect the one you loved and trusted, but at the cost of your own sense of self and self worth.

Breaking the silence is to break back into your power.  Breaking into your life.

No longer fighting reality.

For the past 7 and a half years, I have been working on my inner landscape, trying to sort through files and beliefs that were built to protect and hide the darkness of abuse within the Huhta family.  

I have been doing deep excavating and learning about the unspeakable or perhaps the sins that were blessed an erased away.  Going back into my life into places of discomfort, unease, pain, betrayal, abuse...sorting through piles of ideas that were the brain children of my mother...and not of reality.

Her brain and mine had many of the same patterns...I had to learn how I learned. I had to see why I thought the way I thought.  

My focus has been on exploring abuse and its affects....from a distance and then while being the experiment itself.  

To see affect of abuse first hand as I am in the throes of it...learning while being the subject and the object.

There are parts of me that will remain affected, that no matter how I try, the abuse has claimed certain pieces.  I will become 'unglued' when reality is overlooked or when I am made responsible for something that I am not in control of....each will send me flying back to reacting in a traumatic way.  Post traumatic stress.  

I am getting better at staying in the stress for shorter periods. To find out where I am responsible and then giving back responsibilities that are not mine to carry.  I am learning to manage my post traumatic stress moments...better.

I also felt down deep in my cells I am at peace.  I am free of abuse.  I am in a home that breathes peace. There are no abusive energies that haunt me here.  I am completely at rest in my home and in my relationships. And, My abused mind no longer is misconstruing good and evil.  

With a mind that cannot see clearly, I wasn't able to see clearly...to be with what is.

I was always seeing the opposite...in my mind.

Cultivating peace inside of me and daring to see reality naked, is the key to being at peace now.

Peace to me, is when your mind and reality agree.

I am so grateful to be in a loving peaceful home.  I feel peace...it surrounds me.  My body, mind and soul are at peace.  Peace is no longer fighting reality.

Cover Up

In listening to Iyanla Vanzant speak to Oprah about Family Secrets, I learned a few things.  

One, that secrets are usually to protect someone....and secondly, that it is due to shame and guilt.  Also, Fear of a consequence IF the secret were to be known and to Cover Up a poor choice.

I guess when I thought of secrets, what I focused on was the secret If you will and not the reason that a person decides a secret is the way forward.  I was short sighted and stopped with the lie. Not why the lie was formed or what it was the best option, but the lie itself, isolated; a character flaw.  But, I failed to see the life of the secret.

Secrets usually are after a poor choice has been made and it can't be fix, so then a secret is a way of covering it up, by not mentioning it or trying to hide it.

I didn't realize that their are legitimate reasons for lying even if they don't work...that a poor choice that can't be fixed is a source for a secret.  That the person feels if we find out about the poor choice, that we will then look upon them differently, that they may be rejected or that they don't want to disappoint us.

Imagine a history behind the secret...I didn't know.

I wasn't looking deeply into the pathology of secrets, but rather at the secret...not the why.

The why is key to knowing the cause of the secret and why it grew...and why a relationship was void of trust, how betrayal seemed to be the kinder option.

They also spoke of secrets making you sick.  The negative fear based energy and the guilt and shame that lives with secrets will infect other areas of your life.

I just was amazed at the multi-faceted nature of lies/secrets...how it weaves and grows a life of its own.

She also said that typically the secret comes out, when the pain of keeping a secret out weighs the pain of the secret.  That was interesting too.

That the shame of the secret itself becomes a lesser pain...for the pain of lying becomes harder to do and is more painful.

The Truth shall set you free. Free from the pain, shame etc that the secret was meant to cover up.  Who knew that a secret was a cover up???

The Net will Open

"Repetition is not failure. Ask the waves, ask the leaves, ask the wind. There is no expected pace for inner learning. What we need to learn comes when we need it, no matter how old or young, no matter how many times we have to start over, no matter how many times we have to learn the same lesson. We fall down as many times as we need to, to learn how to fall and get up. We fall in love as many times as we need to, to learn how to hold and be held. We misunderstand the many voices of truth as many times as we need to, to truly hear the choir of diversity that surrounds us. We suffer our pain as often as is necessary for us to learn how to break and how to heal. No one really likes this, of course, but we deal with our dislike in the same way, again and again, until we learn what we need to know about the humility of acceptance."  Mark Nepo, The book of Awakening

Isn't it funny how we don't want to repeat things, but want things to stay the same, and oh, we want things to change without having to change.

We can either be a willing participant in the flow of life as a learner or we can be dragged kicking and screaming into the next lesson, and the next lesson.  

The Universe is set up for ultimate learning...each lesson gets repeated Until you get it.  It doesn't allow skipping ahead. Some may not see the lesson the first time or the 100th time.  Others learn to ask, "What is this situation here to teach me?"

I look at myself in life either standing with the Universe/reality or against it. Most of my life lessons have been to show me where I have been blind.  Where the Universe and I did not match.  My 'truths' and The Truth were miles apart.

I have learned to be a good learner...and to be willing to let my ideas, thoughts and beliefs, be wrong.

Here is today's reading by Mark Nepo.

"Far out at sea, a tuna fleet surrounded a group of spinner dolphins swimming over a school of tuna, catching them in a gigantic net. Small, powerful speedboats circled the animals, creating a wall of sound that disoriented and terrified the dolphins, who sank down silently into the net, only the movement of their eyes showing signs of life. But when a dolphin crossed the corkline at the edge of the net, it knew it was free. It burst forward, propelled by powerful wide tail strokes…. It then dove, swimming at full speed … down and away into the dark water, only to burst from the surface in a high bounding series of leaps." —JEFFREY MOUSSAIEFF MASSON 

"This dolphin moment reveals a recurring sequence for us as human beings. Confined against our will—or even sometimes confined with our own consent—we go lifeless as we feel the need for space. Feeling confined, fearful, enervated, not sure where the edge of the net is—this is the depressive, confusing struggle that always precedes freedom."

"But like these magnificent dolphins, we know the instant we are free, as an inner power overwhelms us, and we are compelled with joy to explore the deep which gives us the grace to break the surface, bounding briefly into a Oneness that is hard to imagine."  

"This whole process describes in a moment of nature what Carl Jung called “the way of individuation”: how a divided individual sorts through their deepest confinements in order to pursue a wholeness of being."

"If we have a call, it is to outlast the net so we can dive and break surface."  Mark Nepo

I love how he says, "Confined against our will—or even sometimes confined with our own consent—we go lifeless as we feel the need for space. Feeling confined, fearful, enervated, not sure where the edge of the net is—this is the depressive, confusing struggle that always precedes freedom."

Confined WITH our consent, is the key phrase...and how depressive, confusing struggle is what comes before freedom!

Who knew that confusing depressive feelings are the struggle that will gain your freedom. To sit with those feelings and question your confinement.

Feeling confused is a good thing...it means you are noticing the net...the individual you is stirring. Listen and feel...be aware. Watch your actions, your thoughts and others.  

It may be time to start the lessons of your truth...how are you seeing reality and how do you feel in your reality.

My body wasn't at peace in my old reality...I was no longer willing to be confined by the churches narrow individual stealing beliefs.  I was stirring before my childhood abuse truth surfaced.

What I know, is that there are more women like me out there. Who are restless. Who are wanting something more. Who are tired trying to make work, that which is impossible to make work. Who are empty of self. Who are wanting more freedom to be, who are straining for the opening in the net...

Within the churches pews are women who don't know how to begin to begin...who have never swam alone, never gone against the teachings of the church and family...who find themselves in abusive relationships, without skills to escape the net.

A few have made it out....the path is being cleared.  Strength comes in knowing you are not alone.  You are not the only one, but one in many.  It wasn't your fault.  You were born into a system fully in play.

The day will come when it is your time to slip the net. You will know. You will reach the moment when you know it is over. When you know you have to leave or die inside the net.

Once I cleared the net...empowerment truly came.  Self empowerment...a free individual...strong in following my own truth.

Tom Rosemurgy- ([email protected] )and Dial Help (482-9077) are two key places that will help you transition...they can partner with you on your exit out.

And I am here to lend what I know.  [email protected]

Reach out....and the net will open.

You are not alone.  

A Pretend Life.

Ed Bacon writes about Truth in his book, "8 Habits of Love - Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind".

"It is important to remember that Truth is not a set of ideas anyone can memorize or systematize and then expect to earn some sort of certificate of accomplishment. Truth cannot be fully contained in one’s mind, words, concepts, or thoughts— it is too alive, vast, and out of human control for that. Rather, Truth is a constantly unfolding series of insights, understandings, revelations, and epiphanies about ourselves and how the world works. Not only do we learn from Truth until we take our last breath, but it has the potential to galvanize change on a large scale."

"Recognize that no Truth can be entirely free of fear. My mentor, Rabbi Friedman, taught me that we may sometimes have to temporarily cut off relations with others in order to establish a healthier foundation for resuming that connection later. This can be a way of affirming that you are, in fact, open to the possibility of building a love-based relationship in the future, but to do so you must turn away from the old, destructive narrative for a while."

"At times, living with our Truth will seem risky and alienating. We may struggle and need to take a hard look at why we do what we do and why we believe what we believe. Throughout our lives, when Truth leads us to a new level of understanding and defines our lives and our values, it often informs us that we are about to be transformed by setting up some internal conflict. If you experience this struggle and confusion, remember that this conflict is never the last word. The last word is a newfound and deeply founded peace and fortification to live our lives free from fear and in the embrace of our loving selves."  Ed Bacon

I believe that I used to think, that certain people had a handle on truth, and the rest of us just 'believed' them.  Like for example, the church.  It seemed that I gave up all my own free investigation of my own life and handed it over to the church.  The church was the keeper of what is true and what is good, and I didn't have to worry, in fact, they wanted us to believe like a child.  Resting in the fact, that they would take care of us.

They decided what was good and what was evil for me.  I didn't get to experience life and find that out for myself. Being born into this religion you were not given the opportunity to decide for yourself...you only have this as your guidepost about life. 

I looked up the word Truth.  That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality: "tell me the truth".

Truth being one with reality or fact...when often times many will want to hold a truth that has no roots...but it is a 'belief'...handed down.

My life was based on the truth of the church and it wasn't until my whole life fell apart, did I realize I must be the one to discern what is true for me.

My Truth I discovered had to be grounded in reality.  I would not just 'believe' but rather I looked for facts and actions...and in doing so, It led me to be the odd man out.

Most folks do not care whether their lives are rooted in truth.  What they care most about are keeping old relationships and ways of life that they are comfortable with.

To live by your own authenticity and integrity will require you to stand in awkward places and oftentimes, stand alone with your truth.  

It seems that humanity likes to clump together, to feel that the more people you have believing in a truth, the more truthful that truth is...but, I have read "Even if a million people believe something that is untrue, it still is untrue."

I used to find comfort in numbers and not in the truth.

Now, I get unsettled when I can't find the roots of truth.  I don't like truth that has no ground to it.  My mind can't believe things without roots...nor can it pretend a truth into being.

I have lived a life with truths that had no meaning and it was a very disturbing life upon waking up.  Now, I would rather be disturbed while awake...and see the truth.

I believe most people believe that they are living a very truthful life, that their actions and words are all rooted in a truthful system...but very few have excavated their belief systems or questioned their lives.  

And, I guess if your life is working for you, there are no reasons to begin to look deeply at why you do that which you do. Why you believe what you believe. Why you see the world as you see it. There is no need, until the world tilts and your life becomes a complicated mess.

What I do know, is that the truth was never hidden in my world, but rather my mind believed things that were not true.  I acted from a point of falsehood and called it my truth.

Calling it MY Truth, didn't make it true.

After years of living a life that wasn't grounded in facts or reality, I now am a stickler for them...I want me to be at one with truth, no matter the cost.

And the cost oftentimes is quite high.

But, I would rather rest in the truth, than to live a life detached from it.

Detached from the truth is to be living a pretend life...

Learner of Abuse.

I am reading "8 Habits of Love - Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind by Ed Bacon. 

It is interesting in how we see ourselves in our story, as a victim, a hero or a learner.

In writing the story three ways, you will see the difference in feelings within each.

Somehow in lots of my writings, I do start out as the victim, then can go into the hero mold, but the learner role is one that I am most intrigued with.  By the end of each blog, I usually learn something not only about abuse, but about my life.  Here is what Ed wrote.

"My friend and co-worker, Theodora, introduced me to a transformative rubric for life that was developed by Betty Sue Flowers, an author and educator. In a conference Theodora attended, the presenter asked everyone to write a brief outline of their autobiography in three different ways: first as a victim, then as a hero, and finally as a learner."

"Those are three very different stories with three very different energies, and three very different outcomes. A victim feels the need to be defended, vindicated, or avenged. A hero needs justification, ego promotion, or validation."

"And a learner? A learner seeks illumination, correction, and direction."

"Learners open themselves to discovering the new in every situation, particularly challenging ones. To use a powerful phrase of Archbishop Tutu’s, the victim and hero mind-sets want only to perpetuate the “safe sameness”— the predictable and familiar. This is a closed mind-set. When I’m coming to Stillness, I frequently start out feeling more like a victim or a hero. Once I relax more deeply, I know that something transformative and fear reversing is going on as I feel myself relaxing, lowering my defenses, opening up, and becoming a learner."  Ed Bacon

If we look at life as a learner of it, we will be more open, more expansive and more eager to explore the whys of our lives.  

Learning about me and how I was formed, what my make up was and why I did the things I did and what was my frame of mind and or level of awareness has been a great lesson in learning about me.

Being a Learner leaves you living in a wide open space...free to explore and be.  I will now say, I am a learner of abuse.

Kindness is Blindness.

The lack of seeing life as it is, is the greatest veil that falls upon us in abuse.  Our minds simply refuse to see the changes in the behavior of another. We keep the old image, the old file, the old knowing in place; while new behaviors arrive.  And some do this and call it Faith....the power to bless evil away.

It isn't the actual physical or emotional abuse that hurts us, IT IS THE LACK OF CHANGING the file to now read, "Not friend, Not love, Not kind, Not appropriate...etc.

We give wide berth to all kinds of behavior, because we sit in the comfort of the relationship...focusing on marriage or friendship or fatherhood, instead of seeing that the individual we are in a relationship with, HAS CHANGED.  They are showing you who they are, BELIEVE them.

Our lack of changing, is the biggest factor in helping them abuse. We don't want to be UN-Believers. We want to believe in them. We feel if we believe strong enough, we will have someone to believe in.  This does not work.  NOT seeing it is what the absuser lives for. They do not want you to address their evil.  They want you to believe in their innocence.

For those with a loving big heart, this changing of the files is like pulling teeth, they will not do so, for they are kind.  They are too kind to see your bad behavior. That is nuts!  Is kindness blindness????

There are so many 'good christians' who believe in their faith and feel its kindness....as they continually forgive sins of abuse. 

If they only could see the actions in action. If they only could see how them NOT seeing it, allows abuse to boldly attack again and again.  Their kind blindness is the very thing abusers depend upon. 

My mother's strength was her blindness. This is what kept her in a bad relationship for 49 years, allowed her daughters and her granddaughter's to be abused by her husband....she refused to be unkind to him!

UNKIND to him.  While he gets free reign to abuse.

This kind blindness is subtle and it appears nice and very Jesus like, but it is actually quite deadly and harmful for the children who live under its reign.

In dysfunction kindness is blindness.