I never knew pretend relationships could hurt when they ended...or that I would feel pain of being deceived. What is so odd, is that the pretending was so that I would not feel bad. In the end, the feelings were the same.
In looking at the way our relationship changed, I am responsible for not noticing the pretending. For not being aware that they truly did not want to be with me, but were afraid to say so.
I am responsible for being someone others don't want to say no to.
While I have prided myself on being able to say no and to say yes, to follow my own feelings, I had not considered how it may be to disappoint me...or to go against what I say and feel.
I still can't know, for I am me....and I can't be outside of me to see how it would be.
Ironically, I have give up the ideas I used to have of wanting others to agree with me or to follow me or to be and do like me, and yet inside of some, there are the past expectations of me still alive.
It caught me unaware. It caught me in my heart. I felt like a child who didn't have many friends, so a few 'had' to play with me. It wasn't their first choice, but they were doing it so I wouldn't feel hurt.
Yet, finding out that It wasn't their choice, but that they were trying to spare my feelings, hurt just as bad.
Another thought or perhaps perspective I had was to see how awkward it would be to have mom like me. A mom who is not accepted into the mainstream family unit due to her unique viewpoint of life. How it would be to not want to hurt me further, so you would go along with some things FOR me.
I felt the absence of being someone others WANTED to be with.
I thought I had gotten used to being okay, playing differently and never even assumed that I was being placated...that it was FOR ME, but not their first choice.
This event also had my past time travelers tagging along. I also felt the pangs of being duped as a child. Of me bringing my best, doing my best and then trusting that they too carried their own integrity.
I didn't want to feel the feelings of being duped. Of being placated. Of being so odd and difficult to be with...That my choice to follow the truth has made me a person that requires others to show up fully. And, when they can't they pretend to be with me.
One thing this did bring up is that I am grateful that my sisters didn't pretend to want to be with me. That they didn't just play with me FOR ME, but in the end...me finding out it was them pretending.
I now know, I will be okay...even if I am alone at the end...for I know I do not go well when one pretends they want to be with me.
Pretending hurts just as bad as if they just said no...and I believe, it will save each party the years of awkward meetings and doing things they really don't want to do, if we speak our truth.
I looked up the definition of Pretending...."To give a false appearance of..." and "Engage in a game or fantasy that involves supposing something that is not the case to be so."
I guess what hurts is that it was a fantasy, it wasn't true.
