When I began writing, it was in a journal....silently. I wrote to find out who I was, what I believed upon and who my choices served. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote.
At the time I was completely lost onto myself... and in writing the truth appears. I began to know me...who I was and who I wanted to be. I was able to excavate my past to re-direct my future...and in doing so, I have kept the volume on about abuse and its linger affects...when many would love for me to shut down the blog and let the abuse die in peace.
My intentions were to first let my children know me...and secondly, to let others know how it feels to right oneself after abuse.
In my mother's family, she had two sisters who we never knew, and yet they did not leave their story behind for us to read someday. I wanted my reasons for being outside of the family to be known. I wanted to leave my story behind.
I wanted to put down how I felt and why. How I saw myself from many vantage points, how my life, my truth, my history, and the family legacy, and all that affected who I am today.....and how each relationship carried a twisted up part, Me.
This blog has been about me and the long term affects of having been raised in abuse and a cult like religion and then trying to turn it all around.
My family wants the abuse to die with Ray Huhta. They want it to be of the past.
Abuse cannot be tied up and tossed away, it isn't that simple. It isn't like a lamp in a room, you can toss out and be rid of it. In fact, abuse doesn't live in one act, it doesn't live in one moment of anger, sexual desire, or hit. Abuse lives in the person's behaviors, habits, patterns and the way the see themselves and how they treat others.
Abuse in the Huhta family will not be dead because Ray is.
It is alive and kicking in each of the people that he abused, that knew he abused and want to focus instead on his good. That is where abuse lives. It isn't in one act. It is in the way we deal with the act or not deal.
It is in the way the act makes us believe differently about the world and the people who 'love us' and we call family.
Abuse cannot be put in a box and tossed away. Abuse is in the little decisions we make, the small choices....whether we speak out or remain silent. Who we support and who we stand against...Abuse is in the DNA of who you are IF you were raised in a home of abuse.
Many would love for me to shut down this blog, to get back into line, to let the abuse go. Like that would make a difference to abuse. It won't. Abuse is traveling in each of our lives every day. It is how we feel about ourselves. How we interact in relationships. How we operate in our truth and integrity or how we live behind a facade.
If only Abuse in the Huhta's would die with Ray. If magically all the girls whose lives he messed up, would magically turn to love peace and joy. If their self worth was restored. If their power magically turned on....
Instead all that died was the man who did damage to many little girls. LITTLE girls...who then grew up with this twisted piece inside of them. That is where abuse now lives. It is inside of the girls he touched. In the way they feel about themselves.
If only I could get people to understand that abuse isn't in Ray....once he touched the little girls, he changed their lives forever. They will never not be un-abused. That is where the abuse is.
These girls are now living their lives with this inside of them. Something changed within them. And if you were his daughter....its affects are deeper and if he raped you, deeper still.
I am but one little girl.
I have wrote and wrote and wrote....to right my world.
Abuse didn't die...when Ray's body left this earth.
Abuse is alive and well...its impact is in the lives of the girls. In how they see men, how they act in physical sexual relationships...how they manage intimacy and truth and their own voice and empowered actions.
OH MY God....if only abuse died with Ray.
