"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, “Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.” —PAULA POUNDSTONE
"Reframing what happens to us can be a healthy way to survive terrible things, or it can become a veil of denial that keeps us from moving on. Often, we simply have to trust that we will see the truth of things when we are strong enough and ready." Nepo Mark
What I find so remarkable is the strength of the "Reframing" in an abusive home and how many put their stock in the reframing and not even begin to begin questioning another way.
The fear that holds the reframing together is fierce...and we call it love. We love the reframing, not the truth.
I had built a life for 46 years based on the reframing...and the voice of a small child undid it all. For her words matched not my reframing, but the truth that lay beneath... in my body.
What I find so shocking are the amount of systems all in place to hold the reframing in line. How there are actual religions who will help keep you away from the truth, who will actually have "forgiving away reality" as their main premise. So you will repeatedly reframe the character of a man....
"There are no sins too great to forgive..." no hurtful action, not abuse, nothing is to big to wash away. Which leaves you seeing a reframing of a man and not the man himself.
This one small child spoke her truth and how many have walked a walk that echoes that? Most will say they agree, they see and they know....but do their action steps show it???
Or, do they continue to add to the reframing.
This network of intricate lies are subtle and yet glaring.
In looking back, my focus for many years was in keeping the family unit together...all my attention was put into the reframing. I never looked beneath. I was too busy holding it all together in my mind.
I do wonder why the young child's voice broke my frame work of lies...and not everyones. Why they continue to work on the scaffolding and I what lies beneath?
And what is even more disheartening, it is the child doing all the work. The parent just continues on being their self in all its glory....and the child works like hell to make them a better mom/dad...reframing each thing they say and do....
What I also find interesting, is that to me, many will agree with what I say...but go right back to building a scaffolding they call family.
Like little worker ants...brushing up a brother and overlooking this and that.....polishing up a mother....creating what they need. A Family.
No matter what.
I see the reframing going on and on...and how they see what I say as "Negative" and they want positive....positive....positive.
They see the negative, but reframe it over and it becomes positive.
They use the word forgiveness to put it aside.
They say things like "she did the best she could...." or "I don't know what it is like to walk in her shoes..." Giving her the benefit of their doubts and reframe.
Building this facade protects them...keeps them feeling safe and normal and in a family.
While I hear they are moving on and going forward, what I really see is more reframing going on....and it is actually holding them in place; keeping the family together...only by reframing each action.
I even felt that when a few came in to protest the "collective mourning" that I was being asked to "reframe" that. Rephrase that. Clean that Up.
Why?
I don't need anyone reframing why I stayed away.
What is weird is that I feel, some didn't want to be caught mourning a father....
I did mourn a father. I did mourn what I didn't get. I mourned the loss of a dream...of what could have been. I mourned the loss of a childhood, the loss of innocence....I mourned and I mourned and I mourned many years ago.
I mourned the truth that was kept from me....by others and by myself.
Reframing life keeps you from being in your truth.
