Some weeks, days and months are riddle with growth spurts that challenge my patience...that try again and again to pierce the calm waters inside. Knowing that life is filled with moments and it isn't personal, until we make it so. How to just ride each wave, when each wave alone is unsettling.
Not that I expect life to flow....okay, maybe I do.
Remember the Jeep I bought? Well it is still sitting in the car lot 700 miles away... although it has been mine now for two weeks. I was okay the first week, now ...not so much.
Mr. Shady's transport service or advice he got, has not gotten my jeep to begin to begin its journey to me. My husband got involved and hopefully it will get things moving. Part of me almost resents that it takes a man's voice to get things going. Although, it is too soon to tell, for we haven't gotten the call that the jeep is enroute.
My internet service is a satelite, and it doesn't speak well with the wireless router and in trying to get 'techincal support' I have to pay. IF we had an alternate internet provider available, I would end my contract with Hughs Net. The satelite works perfect, but the techincal support and the way the wireless router works with it, not so much. I spent 3 hours on the phone last night....and this morning, no go. I am now connected directly to the satelite in order to get online. UGH...
Oh, and while I was on the line with the Internet folks, my boss called. My Backup Man, the guy who works every other Saturday, so I get one off....he quit. Gave his two week notice. Nice. Just in time for the Holidays! When it rains it pours.....and not that each one are life threatening, but they sure are peace threatening.
It isn't the big things in life that drive you nuts, but the small pieces...that all fall apart at once.
And perhaps it isn't that stuff falls apart, but that our expectations fail. We believe that each person and service will do as it is suppose to. That is our problem...
I have tried to sit in the lap of uncertainty and get comfortable, to not care...but I begin to wiggle with concern and worry and wonder and crave knowing...to leave the details up to the Universe and stop expecting. Hard to do.
Where does the line of acceptance for what is cross over into wrestling with the Universe?
What is reasonable and when is it reasonable to no longer wait patiently? Who decides?
It feels like I have been patient....with the Jeep, the Internet folks and not having a back up at work....when is it time to just jump in and sling stuff around to make it different?
Mostly, what presses my buttons are the lack of alternatives...and I have to deal with what is....and I want to have a choice, but for now waiting for the jeep is the wisest....dealing with the internet is all we can do, until the phone company update our lines or a cable company decides to drop a cable down our road....and the back up man...well, he needed to be replaced....just not now.
Having to greet reality when it is not on my time line is something I am trying to do with Grace. Feeling that these are lessons in separating life from me.
All I have to do is not set a timeline or expectations....and learn that the only thing that really failed me, were my expectations.
This is my lesson...to be accepting of what is now....and not let what is not rattle my cage.
It is funny that we don't know we have expecations until they fail to show up.
