I have been drawn to trees....Artful Trees, Trees with buttons for their leaves, and whimsical looking trees....so, I began creating a tree. This began right before my father died. I loved the background, my hand-dyed fabric, and I called it a rich looking combination of colors. I knew I wanted the woman to contrast the tree. I tried doing a woman in red standing up on the boulder by the tree.....and it didn't feel right to me.
When I came back to this after my father died, I then decided I wanted the lady to sit down. Sit in reverence....of her family tree. But....
The woman sitting took on this mournful look, and not in reverence, but in sadness. It is intriguing how a woman who is sad I drape a sweater or shawl on...like she is cold...
I had thought to be adding things to the branches...but on this one...I can't know what that would be. It feels almost better with bare branches....it matches the energy of the woman.
I thought I was done with the Tree thing, but I went to the Portage Quilt Shop on Saturday and saw this wonderful fabric that I thought would make the perfect border on a Tree Quilt...and it so excited me....and another tree was born...and a woman by this tree. The fabric lent it self to a completely different tree.
I am not done quilting either of them, but the Artful part for me is complete. I love both of the trees...for they represent both my heritage and my future.
The energies are even felt in both quilts... the low dark sadness...as well as the feelings of joy and freedom....and movement in the second tree.
It is my belief we all are born into a tree in full bloom and we get to either replicate the energies of that tree....or move on to a new tree.
Most want to move on but do so without leaving the tree, let alone the orchard.
They want to leave their legacy behind, but not the family tree.
In looking deeply into the root system of the tree I was born into, I knew in order to change the heritage, for me and move forward, I could not act or be like my ancestors. Or more succinctly, like my mother.
"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result"...Einstein said.
You simply can't grow a new kind of family by doing the same things your parents did.
My mother never left her abusive brother's lives. She never divorced my abusive father. My mother never could see how her religion kept her shackled to hurtful people. Her definition of 'unconditional' love was stick together family rules no matter what and forgive the hurt and try to forget and move on.
What I love is that I am doing the opposite of her...and my family tree is changing...and many are not happy with the changes I have made, what I focus on and the lines I draw in cement and how I put up restrictions around behaviors I will not tolerate. I am the opposite of my mother and I am loving that.
The children of my parents are all adults now and have been for years. Each will decide what part of my parents life they want to replicate, what behaviors and actions will they carry on.
Most expected me to cling to the family tree and honor the blood that flows in it...
And instead I let go. I dropped off the family tree. I had to. It was contaminated with sexual disease and with a mother who refuses to act against it.
Many want to keep the mother, stating she is 'child like' that she isn't capable of more...perhaps. However, the mother that I knew directed her life in a way to suit herself. She never not once acted 'helpless'.
Helpless to leave him, yes I agree. Helpless to actually go throught the steps of divorce, yes that too. Helpless to actually see the damage she helped orchestrate, yes. I see her helpless to recognize how her religion was a tool he used and that she held dear to her heart. Helpless in that she was easily manipulated and controlled by those she loved...but she also is strong and determined.
She is strong and determined to hold on to her religion. It is a subject not open for discussion. No matter how it was used to keep abuse going in her home, she is not opening that clenched fist. She will not leave that church....no matter what. Her strength is showing...
She is holding on to family...hers. She refuses to drop her brother after he abused her...she is holding on tightly and will not budge. She refused to give up a husband...again that is her strength...that you see as weakness.
This is where we parted ways.
Where she is strong, I am weak....I let go easily when I feel abused, manipulated, lied to, betrayed...etc. She holds on.
My strength is knowing I can and will let go.
The freedom I have to leave relationships that do not honor me is why my tree will grow different than hers.
I am proud to say, I no longer take after my Mother.
And our family trees will look different. Where hers has clusters of abusers, mine is abuser free. What she hangs on her tree and what I have on mine are worlds apart.
Each of our lives is a depiction of our tree. How you act, what you tolerate, who you gather with, what you let go of, what you say yes to and what you say no to....etc, are all colors on your tree.
You create your own family tree.
