In my last post, I mentioned 9 siblings going to Dallas....that is true they went. But, I have been told it wasn't for a 'collective mourning'. They went to see each other and to be with each other. But, they were not all mourning the father/dad/man....and it wasn't helpful to have me indicate this on the blog.
So, the correction has been made.
A brother stopped by...actually called and asked if he could stop by. I said, "as long as you are not coming to change my mind about anything...."
We chatted on the phone and in person for many hours...
There are things we don't see eye to eye on....and there are some things we agree on.
I have zero expectations...for either of us. Not in a good way or not in a bad way....but it frees us both to be ourselves without expectations.
I also believe that I may have discounted a huge portion or reason why I was blogging. I know I did it to leave a trail, BUT I also blogged to leave signs to my siblings...even things that I knew would rattle them and jog their brains to keep them uneasy in the old pattens. I didn't realize until I dropped all the hope that I had been hoping that this blog was 'helpful' to them all.
Now that I dropped the hope.....the reason for this blog will now change.
Perhaps I had too many expectations of the blog....and now it can just be me rambling without a cause.
I know that many read.
I know that many have found strength in my walking.
It is not that I will stop writing how I feel and why, but I will do so now without hope.
I didn't know that hope could be a prisoner or take up space and energy and be filled with expectations.
I like it now free and without hope!
I even believe that I read somewhere that being hopeless is being free!
