"I was entirely alienated from both my inner and outer worlds. All my life, I have found it difficult to admit I am feeling anger, fear or bitterness. Ever anxious that certain feelings would make me an evil person or cost me love, I have locked out unacceptable feelings. That winter I dealt with my “bad” feelings as if I were a hanging judge. I found them guilty and executed them as quickly as I could. However, all that resistance created more intensity and anxiety." Mary Pipher
In reading this I had to post another post.
What I find so enthralling about my journey is that when I began expressing my truth and my feelings, I was depicted as evil.
I was taught and shown by example not to express anger, fear and bitterness...but rather depict a sunny face, no matter what. And, you especially did not show anger, fear or bitterness against family. You had to keep those feelings under lock and throw away the key.
What you all may not understand, is that even if you feel them and don't release them by feeling them out loud, you will be feeling them...but it turns into rage against innocent people and things.
The sheer volume of rage I had inside of me, that I directed towards my children in moments that did not warrant that volume, makes me a believer in this. All my years of keeping a lid on my own inner truths, made a huge volcano inside...that could be tapped at any moment, if my children didn't respond in the manner I needed in that moment.
I became unglued. My rage, fear and all other negative feelings came rushing to the surface needing an outlet.
What I know for certain is that each time I have gone back and felt an emotion that wasn't pleasant, it made me more pleasant.
It is just the opposite of what I had thought.
I thought if you expressed rage and anger about abuse, you would get left bitter and angry....when the opposite is more true.
There are things in life that will ignite feelings of rage and anger....so let them come up to be expressed at the actual moment in time. Don't hide them or speak falsely about how you feel.
Being truthful with your words and feelings.
It was scary for me to do this, for I was taught that 'good girls' don't make waves, they don't act up and they don't speak their minds. Good girls are always nice. They take all kinds of treatments and smile...nicely. Evil girls will act up and say what is on their minds. They are misbehaving.
I love being a 'bad' girl for walking with my truth...for being unruly and disruptive...it feels so much better and freer than having to clamp down on my feelings and words.
I used to walk around with clenched fists....literally. Holding all my feelings in check.
Until one day reality was bigger than I...I was overwhelmed by what I was supposed to keep inside. I wasn't big enough...there was no more room to push down any more.
I exploded in feelings.
