From Mark Nepo's book, "The Awakening" - October 28th
"I have stopped. You have not." —BUDDHA
"There is a story of how, just before he was hung, Angulimala, the murderer, became an Arahant, or worthy one, because of his encounter with Buddha. Angulimala had seemingly been so driven from his own life that he was taking the lives of others. Perhaps it was timing, the readiness of a man about to die confronted with the unwavering presence of an authentic spirit; no one will ever know. But it is said that the two stood before each other for a very long time, and when the silence seemed to part some veil from Angulimala's eyes, Buddha said to him, “I have stopped. You have not stopped.” This was followed by an equally telling silence, after which the fortress of cruelty that Angulimala had built around his heart crumbled. It is said that, though Angulimala was hung with a rope made from the fingerbones of his victims, in the moments between Buddha's words and his own last breath, Angulimala truly lived."
"Of course, such a story is a penetrating riddle. What had this man not stopped that enabled him to murder? And what had Buddha stopped that enabled him to be enlightened? Though we will never know, we can suggest that the thing not stopped might be any form of running from the risk and pain of being alive, such as denial, hiding, projection. For any form of running from the truth of ourselves can lead to such a numb existence that one can become violent in order to feel. If we don't stop running, we can murder ourselves again and again by taking the lives of others, either physically through violence or sexually through conquest or emotionally through dominance and control or professionally through power."
"Ultimately, however you enter this riddle, we are both Buddha and Angulimala, and we repeatedly need to have this conversation with ourselves in order to stay compassionate and real." Mark Nepo
Somehow I was taught to escape the truth over and over again, to focus on the good times and then the good times will be....
Even today, I am asked repeatedly to let the abuse go...when what I am doing actually is bringing in all that I had run from. It all came home to roost and now it is time to pay. I pay my past debt by feeling. I also had to look at what I did so as to not risk the pain of being alive. I had to see the life I led that enabled me to run from the truth of our family.
What I am doing today is no longer running, but stopping and feeling...either past unexpressed emotions or expressing emotions in the present.
In the past I had a great need for dominance and control....of others. Now, I work at just staying in control of me.
Each person is allowed to move freely and I then too can counter act by moving how I feel.
In reading this, you can clearly see how the most controlling people are the farthest away from their self.
There is no need to control others, IF you have full control of who you are.
I recall it being very liberating and extremely frightening, when I knew to the depth of my soul, the only one I had power over was me.
In recognizing that....I gave the power back to everyone else. I no longer carried the responsibility of their choices....where before I felt I did.
As a mother, it was scary to give your children their lives back...especially for a very controlling mother....but I did. I let them all go free.
I am allowed to voice an opinion, to share wisdom, but in the end, their lives are separated from me. They have their own Karma wheel...and what they do onto others, will be done on to them...
Mostly I try and show the cause and affect. They can move this way....but it will make me move that way.
A long while back, I knew as a mother I was the consequence lady.
The kids were allowed to make a choice and I then had a consequence for that choice. It is how the Universe works. Your free will....has a consequence.
You can run, but you cannot hide. All that you are running from is running with you...you simply can't out run the truth.
