IMPERFECT Lady

Harder than being abused.

A few days ago I talked about "Family No Matter What" and how this sentiment is what keeps families bound together; no matter what treatment goes on within the home.   That it is seen as respectable and loving to uphold the family AND NOT LOOK at WHAT happened.  

Keep your eyes focused on family, on sister, brother, Mom and Dad...

Don't look at who carries the title, but look only at the title and do your due dilegence to keep it holy.  Do NoT disgrace the title with what happened.  Instead, bless it away, forgive the sin, and wipe the label clean.  It is your job as a loyal family member.

I became disloyal to the family.  I did not wipe the abuse away.   

My greatest crime against the Huhta's is my lack of being a good family member.

I am seen as a worst criminal than my father, for this.

This is the ultimate sin of all...for blood is thicker than water, and that family is family...you have no right to tear it apart.

Me. 

Not my father, but me.

Why is my father not seen as the ultimate family wrecking machine?  Or my mother for allowing this wrecking to go on?

How did I become the one to stand back from and to disassociate from?

How did I become the main problem for the family in this?

Oh yeah, my disloyalty to family.  Really?  Really?  You want me to be loyal to Ray and to Doris for watching this train wreck happen again and again.  You want me to be loyal to a religion and it preacher who knew and blessed it away, again and again. Really?  I am the problem?  How?  By standing up and walking away from the wreckage a wreck myself and working for 7 years to get myself seeing straight and thinking clearly, after the twisted backwards course I was set upon.  I, Beth Ann am your problem?

One brother said I took the easy way out...that I just up and left the family due to its members being so damaged.  

Is there an easy way after abuse???

I am not sure there is.

What I want most of my family to know, is that no matter your choice, no matter if it matches mine or not, I know to the depth of my being, that each of you are choosing to do that which brings you the most peace inside.

Each choice you make is driven by your inner compass.  Each decision you make and each effort to stay clear from me is what brings you the most comfort inside. You are all using your free will to live the life you want.  It is not driven by the outside, but rather your inside.

My inside and your insides just do not match.

What brings you peace brings me disease.

What brings you comfort...is extremely uncomfortable for me.

Family means more to each of you...and your willingness to uphold it, is far from where my priorities lie.

My priorities have been and will always be to make choices in each moment that are about the consequences each will bring.  I am consciously creating now, where in the past I was blindly making choices based upon another's feelings.  Now, I totally get that each choice I make comes with a complete package of consequences.

It is my intentions to make choices that my children will be able to see were reflective of the truth and that I made the choices based upon what was right for me, not what the outside wanted or needed.

Going against family is actually harder than being abused.

Stand in Harms Way

I have been twisting my situation around and around in my head; the awkwardness of being estranged and having your parent die and how others are unsure of what this means to us.

I finally got it.

Death is a separation and usually an unwanted separation and hence we offer our sympathies.  But, when a person purposefully separates; desiring distance, especially from a parent or other family members, it is a forced death of sorts.

Now, we don't know what to do when someone kills a relationship on purpose...

The unnatural killing of family ties, is not something we are inclined to understand, for it goes against the grain of nature.  And once separated and the relationship is dead, and then the death of the body occurs, it is like being asked to grieve a second time....for an already dead person.

I am not certain if this makes sense to anyone other than those who have experienced estrangement and how it leaves us in this weird place....a re-death.

Not only is it uncomfortable for many to understand the estrangement and total death of a relationship, it is equally uncomfortable to bring up this old death again when the body dies....now what to say???

To me it is just another new awkward moment.

It is like the death is re-occurring, for it is happening for the first time for those who were not estranged...but, for me...it has already happened.

I killed our relationship due to his behaviors...he died way back when....It was not a physical death, but a death nonetheless.  I felt its grief, the pain, all...while no one then could feel it like me...unless they too were ending their relationship with him.

Mine wasn't just putting distance and not seeing him.  Mine was to completely turn my heart and mind, to dislodge the image of father, replacing it with an abuser.  My father died when the file was completely turned. I became a girl without a dad.

I did this to save my sanity, to stop the insane father image that wasn't there.  In order to have the truth and reality match, I had no choice.

While he died inside of me, he lived outside. He continued to live, but I didn't see him no more. 

Now, my insides match the outsides.

For me, it feels more peaceful not to have a ghost of my dead relationship still moving about the planet...and maybe even the teeny bits of hope of him changing now too have died. For once he is dead all hope dies too.

I now understand the unease and awkwardness....for it truly is unnatural to kill family relationships.  But, what most need to remind themselves it should be natural when an unnatural act has happened.

My father took the first unnatural step...and my mother followed, unnaturally as well. 

So, while it seems unnatural to move away...it is actually a very natural response to harm.  It is more unnatural to stand in harms way.

Change the Legacy.

 

"The gift of the Habit of Forgiveness is that it reverses our tendency to allow the sins of the offender to eclipse the freedom and power of the wounded. In the end, Forgiveness is less about the offender than it is about healing and liberating those who have been hurt. Focusing with so much passion on the person who is in the wrong becomes an excuse to not move forward."  Ed Bacon, 8 Habits of Love- Open your heart, Open your Mind.

 

The death of my father has brought back front and center the vast differences between my siblings and I...shining a spotlight on my weird choices and the absence of obligations etc.  

My odd choices are reflective of my liberation and freedom from the party line.  I am no longer shackled to the hard held rules of family obligations.

Those obligations disintegrated...when my father laid down the father role and engaged in sexual activities with me.  I just wasn't aware of them until I was 46 years old. When I discovered the abuse, I did a complete 360, and I no longer felt obligated to act like a daughter.

This one choice has put me at complete odds with the family. 

I am no longer treating my parents as parents and I their daughter.

The change began with them, not with me.  I didn't start this dance, they did.  The moment my father abused and my mother looked away....the daughter relationship shattered.  

With a mind empty of memories, but a body in fear, I went along believing that something was wrong with me.  Only to find out at 46, that both of them betrayed the child love and trust, and that I wasn't born with fear and not love inside, it was due to my experiences with them.

It happened very quickly that I turned into myself and began to make choices based upon what was loving to me...after I knew who they were.  I was liberated from the abuse by the truth there was abuse.  There was abuse, not love.  There were lies that eroded the family that began with the parents. My body wasn't lying, they were.

 Forgiveness to me is "Accepting that the past cannot be any different." 

There is nothing, I as a daughter, can do to change what is.  

I didn't begin this mess, and I cannot change it...however, I can change how I live to lessen the impact abuse has upon my husband and children.

Had I not change and done a 360, I would not be where I am today.

I may be one of the minorities whose lives completely changed due to finding out abuse lived in our family home, and of that I am completely proud.

The journey to transform myself out of dysfunction is not an easy road...for I literally had to go against family members to change.

They will not encourage and clap as you make a choice that is the complete opposite of theirs.

But, the only way I can see abuse not dribbling unto the next generation is to do the opposite of what was done to you.

My mother looked away for reasons of her own.

I looked at the abuse done to me as well as my abusive behaviors to others...I looked at her denial and mine.  I looked and I looked and I chose actions that would lead me to a new exit.  

This wasn't done lightly and with no regard. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, but one of the most transformative for me and for my own family tree.

I have truly strived to not let the sins of the offenders, eclipse the freedom and power of me.  

I didn't know how I would act upon one of my parent's deaths... would I feel guilty for the years of estrangement, would regret push its way into my heart....what would I feel?  As an estranged member of my family, how would my family act towards me, when once again, I make choices that are not theirs?  

Oddly, each time I stand alone with what is true for me, I gain strength of knowing who I am.  I feel the power of being an individual and the separation from being tightly bound.

In the past ALL my choices were based upon the happiness, comfort, approval of others....now there is just me.

For, if you are not at peace inside, if your choices don't sit well inside of you....then nothing others can do will bring you peace.  Peace, Love and Joy are all inside jobs.

My total freedom to do what I feel is right for me, shows complete forgiveness...for I have the power to be free.  

The opposite of abuse... has to be freedom!

This is a scene I pass each day on my mail route.  Nature standing naked in all its glory.  In nature I find common ground...I learn that being truthfully me...makes me who I am.  Whether it matches what others want from me or not, it is all I can be.

I like a tree find that it is impossible to change my truth, my past, my history...all I can do is act today what will grow a new tomorrow...change the legacy.

Sands of the Caribbean

This is my last picture of my jeep, before it became "Not My Jeep".  I was a bit sad to see it go, for I had just gotten back into it after a long summer in the mail car.  I loved to be sitting up high, having the steering wheel on the right side, having a CD player to listen to books...(I got left hanging in the middle of a book).  

It was great in the snow and snow is coming....but, today I will see about finalizing the details on the purchase of a new Jeep. Well, New to me.  It is a 2011 four door...a bit classy for the backroads of Tapiola, but I will have a great ride this winter.

My old Jeep was sold to a young guy who has plans on putting different bumpers on it, ones with winches and a Snorkle. Oh, the snorkle isn't on the bumpers....not sure where that goes.  But yes it needs a snorkle so it can keep running in deep water. Imagine, my jeep is going into bush and mud!  And here, I was so careful to clean it up for the new owner.  It will have fun up here for awhile, but its ultimate destination is St. Lucia...the Island in the Caribbean....how cool is that for my jeep.  I told them I want a picture when it is done being 'fixed up'....and at its final home.

My jeep will not know what hit it....from the dusty roads of Tapiola to the sands of the Caribbean!

Their dad.

"REST IN PEACE" is for the living...

is a phrase I read somewhere...and I agree.  

My father passed away.  Most often I call him Ray. The father part, for me, died about 8 years ago.  My sorrow was then, my pain and grief all were felt in great depths, back then. Today, it feels like trying to resurrect those feelings...and nothing comes up.

There is no sorrow today of his passing.

It was indicated to me, that I would now find joy with his passing...but I have had joy for many many years. I did not need him to die to find joy.  I did not need him to die to find peace.  I have had both for again, many many years.

His impact upon my life ended a long time ago.

His life and how he lived it, and if he lived, bore no reflection upon my life.  He and I were detached, estranged, separated...our lives have not been joined together in years.

What is awkward is how people respond to me.  They are unsure of how to address the daughter whose relationship ended years ago.  "I am sorry..." doesn't fit.  I get it. It is an expression that would have fit more appropriately back then in the throes of me becoming estranged and filled with grief....now what words work?

I do appreciate folks who can recognize my position of having a father die 8 years after the relationship died...for typically, the death of the body and the relationship happen at the same time...what happens when the body out lives the relationship?

It does feel strange to not have grief upon his death...to not have acute feelings of any kind...neither high or low.  But a sorta normal day...just wondering how it will all be for others who had relationships with him or for those who had broken relationships, as well as those who had been abused by him feel.  

I don't know how the family is presenting this....if there will be a funeral or how they will walk this out.  I was notified by my daughter.  I have heard 'his wishes' are to be cremated and he would like his ashes spread in the woods of our area.  

Perhaps there is a finality, a completion now that the body is no longer breathing...that his life is now complete.  His legacy is all that remains...and for each of us, it looks different.

Mine...what I got from him and from my mother is something I have been working for many years to re-pattern.  To live differently, to make different choices etc.  So for me his legacy has even died...I am striving to change the legacy within my own limb of the family tree.

I never spoke to him after finding out he was a pedophile. Some feel I should have spoken my piece...to give him a piece of my mind.  My piece, my side would not have changed a thing...

I am, and have been, completely at peace about the death of our relationship for many many years.  I have no regrets.  No words I wished I uttered.  

The oddest part of being abused by your father, is that many feel that the relationship should be upheld, "NO MATTER WHAT".

No matter what, the blood and family ties are forever.  Nothing should sever the tie.

That to me is the mindset that keeps abuse flourishing...for no matter what he is your dad...is the belief that keeps a child tied to her/his abuser.

Really?

Really.....I have no choice but to ride along due to this iron clad belief.  "That no matter what, Family is Family."

I dissolved this iron clad rule of "NO MATTER WHAT" and put in place a thing called "freedom of choice".

It does matter what you do and It doesn't matter if your family or not.  I am allowed to choose my response to your actions.  

I broke "No Matter What"...and was set free.  My peace, my joy and my love all were tied up in the "no matter what".  I was chained to the ill behavior of many due to this rule of 'family'.

My struggles, grief and pain all was due to me wrestling my life away from the "No Matter What" rule.

Now, that I am free...I am misread, for I don't abide by NO Matter What.

Of course actions of "No Matter What"....and "It does Matter"....will not match.

In my father's death some will hold this rule high and close to their hearts, for no matter what he did, he is and will always be, their dad.

We don't come with Maps.

"We come with all these parts and no instructions how they go together. It is so tempting to want the answers before we begin the journey. We like to know our way. We like to have maps. We like to have guides. But we are more like a breathing puzzle, a living bag of pieces, and each day shows us what a piece or two is for, where it might go, how it might fit. Over time, a picture starts to emerge by which we begin to understand our place in the world. Unfortunately, we waste a lot of time seeking someone to tell us what life will be like once we live it. We drain ourselves of vital inner fortitude by asking others to map our way. At the end of all this stalling, though, we each have to venture out and simply see what happens." Mark Nepo, Book of Awakening

What I love about this reading is how we truly would love a map.  But, just think about IF you did know the total road of where you were going?  Would you want to know the bad parts?  Would you want to know the places where you heart would break?  

Mostly, I believe we want to know we will be okay. And, we can do this by knowing ourselves.  The more you understand how strong you are, how resilient and how each huge bump brings more wisdom and knowing of your self...the better able you are to head straight into the rough times.

I am in the process of selling my jeep. The buyer is still making sure it is what he wants....and in the meanwhile, I have found a perfect replacement jeep. Or so, I believe.  

The prices on these jeeps are extremely flexible, they will swing wildly in either direction...so it is hard to know if you are getting a good deal...for the good deal mark continues to move.

Being that they are limited in quantity, it makes the curve on purchasing snugger, there isn't alot of wiggle room or 'another deal' around the corner. So, I believe, you have to make choices quicker than in a typical buying market.

The one I found is higher in price and lower in miles, yet affordable.  My husband who loves to seek out the best deal, feels that perhaps we are moving too quickly. The comfort he feels on the buying curve is being pushed.  I am okay.  I feel that it is a great vehicle, and that after a few years of running mail, it will still hold its value.

Time will tell.  My jeep, if sold to this particular party, will be retired from the mail and off on new adventures.  I will share where it is going and how its looks will change, if the sale goes through.

I am however okay either way....in my old jeep or in a jeep that isn't on the map yet, or this one I found.

Life is a mystery....and we don't come with maps!

This picture was taken last evening...I Love my Jeep, but will be happy for it to move on to a new adventure!

Art in Progress...

What I did on my day off.  

I completed the background of another beach scene....I loved the way the colors worked together.

The bright white spot in the sky is the way the dyed fabric came out.  I like it....like clouds.

I then wondered if big ladies would work on the beach....here is what I played with tonight.  I will let it sit awhile and see what I think, the next time I go down stairs.

Their arms are not quite right, but you get the picture.  I thought they would be splashing on the shore....I may have to tweak the water....

The quilt isn't laid out fully, but drapped over my ironing board, so the picture doesn't quilt bring it all in.

This will give you an idea of my working space.... I only have so much flat surface onto which I can create.  All the pieces are loose until I begin quilting. So, it makes it kinda tricky.  I do use pins once I have a design I feel works.  So far so good....

I may need to add something in the sand or in their hands....on their heads or in the sky...maybe in the water.  Fun to play and see what comes.  I could literally lose track of time and days and me downstairs. 

The colors look odd...but you get the feel....it may be the camera settings. 

Art in progress.

Art

I unplugged from my life and my husband and I took a long weekend to Door County. The weather was Fall...temps near 40 and climbing up to 50...with strong winds off of Lake Michigan.  

Our first day we sat and listened to a local band entertain us...on a bale of hay.  As you can see we were up on a hill overlooking a Marina...the band was in the white tent...It was Pumpkin Fest in Egg Harbor.

We sat an listened for near an hour...they played country music.  

You can tell by the winter clothing it was very chilly sitting with the breeze of Lake Michigan!

We drove by an Art Fair, and the next day we were one of the first to enter.  I loved lots of what I saw.  There was one tent of Art Quilts, but she had a sign "No photography..."  I was turned off by this. It just seemed to be too controlling.  Her work, was not at all like mine, hers more scrapes of fabric making a design...graffiti perhaps best describes it.

But, here are some way awesome Iron Works of Art. This girl was outside in the garden of the Art Gallery.  It was the host to the Art Fair.

And a Butterfly....by one of the Vendors.  Love what they can do with 'scrap' metal.

And a Humming Bird...

You can see a spider crawling on the fence on the left.

And I think this bug is a snail....either way he is cute.  At first Paul thought it was a waste of some good Iron, Until he saw the prices....than he felt this man was getting much better prices than the local scrap yards.

And some more Artwork in the Garden of the Gallery. 

Don't you just love Nature's colorful backdrop...

The scenary was great, whether it was at the Art Fair or driving along the Lake.

Unplugging and drinking up music, art and nature...with my husband was just what I needed.  

I have one more day off....I will be home alone with fabric and newly refueled.  I am looking forward to creating my own Art.

Trying to Stop Evil.

In my past couple of posts, I let loose my frustrations of how imbalanced it appears when you are trying to bring an end to an abusive relationship.  How it isn't just an easy exit.  Each party has Rights, and it seems at times, the rights of the one doing the abusing gets first pitch.  That we have to make sure, and then sure again...we have to have facts...and nothing but the facts. We have to have first hand accounts and they need to be impeccable....etc.

This is all to assure us that we too cannot be falsely accused.

However, there seems to be a fear that has stretched the reason way out of whack and that we need to move it back toward reason.  

While it truly does seem like the police are making darn sure there are no errors in the accusations, they are not quite intune with the lives of the victims. 

The fact finders and the ones carrying the wounds (facts) are often at odds.

How can we build a bridge of trust and truth seeking?

How can we enter into a relationship between the abused and the ones helping?

How is it that the two sides who need to meet in agreement end up often so far apart and part in anger, frustration and helplessness?

Is it possible that there is a role for mediators?  Someone who can dial back the emotion as well as put some caring and hope in the law of the land...

In Dial Help, I heard that the police deal with offenders so much, that they often can't switch when dealing with victims and end up treating them like offenders. For oddly enough, the shame and guilt that victims often carry resemble the same postures of offenders.

Even if the guilt and shame are groundless in victims...their body language and verbal content still reflect guilty actions. 

A middle person who understands and can advocate for the victims is needed from the git go.  Not only to help the victim, but to be a reminder to the police that they are not offenders...even if their guilt and shame vibes are present.

The complications of abuse and the pathway out is riddled with pot holes.  

The intent on both sides is to stop abuse.  But, somehow each side is falling short. It is my humble opinion that the two sides must work together to double team the abuser. 

For the abusers are lanquishing in the trials and tribulations as they witness the struggle for the two sides to work together in harmony.

Each time the two sides fall away in distrust and weariness...the abuser wins again.

How can we manage to eliminate the holes and begin to create a foundation where abusers will begin to fear?  With people in place that can make the transition seamless filled with the facts and first hand accounts that CAN be used in the courtrooms....and courtrooms that are willing and able to prosecute.

By ratcheting up our frustrations and pointing fingers and blame, we will end up fighting among ourselves and taking our focus off the abusers, and what needs to be done to get them off the streets.  

What we are finding out already is that there is very little communication or sharing between the "helping" agencies.  Where victim advocates are not offered at the police stations. Why is it that immediately, they are not assigned someone?  Shelter homes are not lending resources about advocates either?  It seems that the victims are being victimized by the separated agencies not willing to step on toes or share information.

Perhaps there needs to be a third party. A separate impartial string, that can dangle in all of the agencies.  A rope that will lead the victim to each new helping place...with a list of what to expect, what is helpful, what is the best prep in order to fulfill what the laws of the land need.

A laundry list of crucial points...because now it seems that the abused parent is learning as she goes...by what appears to be too late and not quite enough.

How is it that we are not clearly educated on this stuff?

How is it that we all know about fire safety, but we don't know what are the crucial points in exiting abuse?  

In order for abuse to begin lessening, we have got to form a tighter group.  We need the law to recognize the NEEDS of the victim and make sure that they are not alone.

We tend to think that victims are supported when their families are pulling a tight circle, but we fail to acknowledge that most families have no clue as to what to expect, what is needed and what is helpful, for they too are first timers in the sea of turbulance of finding out the truths about their children and grandchildren. Emotions are running high and often out of control, trying to stop the leak that has been going on far too long.

Advocates that can calm the waters and offer helpful ways through....are needed.

We all need to recognize that we are on the same team...and we all play a key role, but we need to tell each other what those needs are.  It seems now that there are many individuals....but no team.

We are all on the same side....trying to stop evil.

Save a child.

As I witness a mother try to exit an abusive marriage, keep her children from her abusive husband, the general theme seems to be, Prove It. Show us beyond a reasonable doubt that things are not pleasant. 

The burden of proving is hers.  The abuser doesn't have to lift a finger in his defense for the laws of the land and the agency policies are there to protect his innocence, repeatedly.

Not only is it her burden, she has to follow the guidelines already in place...she has to match this unmarked path perfectly and no one tells her what she needs to do, BUT are Crystal CLEAR about what SHE is doing wrong.  

She is not meeting the standards that the prosecution finds comfort in...the three victims to step forth did not do their job 'good enough' so...Nope, he will not bring this man into his courtroom.  Not good enough.

The Child Protective Services are not quite sure all the evidence of abuse IS A CLEAR picture of an abusive father....you need to bring more clearer evidence.

Do they not see what they are asking and what it means to be told repeatedly that what you see, what you hear and what you your self have experienced is not being accepted? 

They will not take a chance stepping on the toes, 'innocent toes' of the abuser, while they have no troubles what so ever to trample on the painful experiences of abuse when they say, "not good enough".  

It almost seems that they need to have a movie of the actual abuse taking place...and then, they would find a rule that would eliminate that as not being admissible for evidence.

It is like the mother is in this insane game....where she is unable to connect her voice, her evidence to the right agency or lawyer or law department that will then MOVE on this abuse.

What I see is her trying extremely hard going against the odds that are stacked in her abusive husbands favor...and no one will intervene.

No one will take the rope from her hands.  No one will step forth and say..."You have done your due diligence, we believe that he is the monster he is, we will make sure he never touches another soul."

This is what we all believe that the Law and Child PROTECTIVE Service agencies will do. But, they don't.

They don't move a muscle.  They just keep gathering more infor and then they say, nope not good enough.  We need this and we need that.

Do you know what the this and that is?

They need more evidence.  How do you get more evidence???

Oh yeah, that is right.  YOU LET the abuser have more visitation rights.  You wait for him to break into your home again.  You wait and you gather more evidence BY being a victim yet again.

Would one of the police officers, one of the 'child protective service' people and the prosecutor do what they are asking her to do?  Have any of them actually walked this steep mountain out of abuse?  Have any of them felt the powerlessness of abuse, ONLY to be powerless again to stop it?  Is it their child who has to return yet again to 'visit' his abuser. 

When abuse happens in the home, I am not sure what it will take to stop it.

Getting out means nothing.  Getting out means you now have the Law, Child Protective Services and the Court ALL WATCHING the abuse continue.

Who can stop this?

What is the answer?

If the mother refuses to 'let' her child go, she stands in contempt of the court. 

Imagine ALLOWING your child to be abused IS being in contempt of the court.

You would think that NOT ALLOWING your child to be abused is what a good mother would do....but, all the 'help' agencies, law and courts make you send your child back to your abusive husband.  They make you.

I am not certain if pockets of communities work this way, but it sure seems that our town does.  We have evidence of it doing just that.

When a nonabusive parent is not able to stop her child from being in the presence of his abuser...we cannot call our selves a civilized society.

We are a society that is not protecting the children.

We are a society that has made the climb out of abuse so steep and littered with red tape that it is not possible to exit.

Our society matches the insanity of the abuser...and what makes it worse, is that heads nod in agreement, but then they check their paperwork and shake their heads and drop their hands...muttering, "There is nothing we can do."

What I had thought was that the FALC was a huge hurdle, but it is only one of many.

What we need to find out is what is the perfect thing abused women NEED in order to climb the mountain in the shortest amount of time and that will enable her to keep her children safe....and then we need to share this information. We need to arm ourselves with what is needed to successfully exit abuse.

For now as it stands.  The abused are being kept in the dark. And it seems that most agencies are protecting the 'innocence' of the abuser and not the innocent child.

It weighs heavy upon me to see the lack of care, concern and movement to save a child.