A thought that rolled around in my head last night was the sentiment "We are dealing with abuse, for we are taking care of him (Ray). Which does imply that you are aware of who he is. But, are you aware of how it impacted you to do this? How it wasn't caring for your abused and wounded self to step in and take care of your abuser?
Dealing with the abuser and dealing with the affects being abused had on your life, are two totally different animals. They do not share the same space at all.
I lifted not one finger, not one pinky to deal with the abuser. NOT one. I have not lifted one finger to deal with his accomplice either.
Dealing with the abusers is in my opinion, is reaping more abuse.
I am not even sure if it matters Why you thought it was something you Had to do....the mere fact that you were dealing with the abuser for so many years had to have an impact on your life.
Again, dealing with abuse for me, was to deal with me. To deal with learning how to say no. With learning how to disappoint another in order to do so, and to not lift a finger in dealing with the abuser.
I have been dealing with the affects of abuse in me and have paid no mind to where the abusers were, their lives...etc. I felt to the dept of my being, that the first 46 years was me dealing with the abusers....and that they would not get one second of my next 40 years.
Interesting to see how this mix-up was read. No wonder they felt they were dealing with abuse...for they were in the lives of the abusers AFTER knowing about the abuse.
I dealt with the abusers BEFORE I knew who and what their lives were about.
I guess this concerns me greatly that some feel that dealing is dealing with the abusers....while neglecting the cost and toll it has taken on their lives. That they feel that it is their duty....somehow. Or I guess I can't know why they were dealing with the abusers while I was dealing with the affects of abuse on me.
This again is a completely different mode of operation or starting point.
I wonder how many other families this sentiment is running through, where dealing with abuse means 'taking care of the abusers needs etc'?
I had said a long while back that the shoes I tossed aside were quickly filled. I just didn't realize that they called it dealing with abuse. I thought they were dealing with their parents.
What does that mean when you can't stop dealing with the abusers?
At what point does your life matter more than that of the abusers?
And, an even scarier question....what does it mean when you are 'okay' dealing with the abusers, when you don't feel it is harmful to you?
Wow...it is no wonder we didn't get along. I was dealing with abuse while they were dealing with the abusers. Yikes. Now, that has to be one hell of a ride. It is amazing that most never opted off. Is that a clear sign of being abused....taking care of the abusers?
I guess. I did it for 46 years....and it didn't matter the cost. I gave up my life in order to deal with abusers. I did it until I knew who I was dealing with...
In fact, each decision that I have made after learning who they were...was decided upon how it impacted me. I didn't lean or move an inch if it was for their comfort or their preference etc. All my choices were made to make sure I was no longer dealing with the abusers.
This is where I believe we parted ways...
It would have been pure hell for me to deal with the abusers.
While it hasn't been a walk in the park to deal with the affects of abuse, at least my abuse had stopped.
My brother marveled and was discouraged with My Line in cement. I now know what the line is. The line is taking care of the abusers on one side and taking care of your self on the other.
One side will lower your self worth, the other will raise it.
One has no choice, and the other complete freedom.
One is a prison of obligation and service to others at the cost of your peace, love and joy of self. Oh, I could go on and on.
I see clearly now where I went over the line and never looked back.
To me, I saw that one side was caring for the wounded abused girl and the other side was caring for the abusers.
In order to keep caring for my little wounded girl I had to never cross that line...and I didn't.
No matter what....no matter who....my one and only priority has been to heal my wounded child....
