Here is a post from Facebook that I found intriguing and very familiar.
"~Tina H
How to Identify Being a Narcissistic Extension
Narcissism is a complex and often misunderstood character disorder. Less attention has been paid to the person who supplies what the narcissistic need. This person is known as a narcissistic extension, and can suffer tremendous trauma and abuse while feeling blameworthy. It is a difficult dilemma to solve, and is often perpetuated in adult relationships when children have had narcissistic parents, and less so, parents who act as narcissistic extensions. This article discusses the role of the narcissistic extension, and its development, and how people who are narcissistic extensions, like narcissists, "see" what is not there, but, unlike narcissists, blame themselves for this, and the resulting relationship and familial problems.
1.Know what narcissism really is. Narcissism is a character disorder which causes the narcissist to "look outward" for a view that will reflect him/her as wonderful. Rather than having good self-esteem, the narcissist lacks it, and feels empty, and therefore must gain his pseudo-"self-esteem" from external sources: family, friends, lovers, workmates and children. Success is measured by over-inflation of one's achievements, and by more concrete examples that seem to "prove" achievement: money; praise; status; promotion; being liked; being powerful; being overly nice, etc. Objectification of people mirrors their need to show themselves as having "objects" that conventionally define success. They desire the best and are perfectionists. Their perfectionism derives from their internal, sublimated sense of worthlessness, envy and shame. For the narcissist everything and everyone is, in essence, reduced to an object, and some work together quite usefully: i.e. a wealthy partner; a good physique in yourself or in another (partner). These objects are known as "supplies" which the narcissist feeds off and ultimately drains of their own self-worth. The definitive guide for the signs of sub-clinical narcissism is the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which is a self report test but if you take it and think about your answers you will be able to apply those categories to others. The NPI is available online in many places (e.g. http://personality-testing.info/tests/NPI.php).
2
Analyze your behavior around the narcissist. Do you tend to pay more attention to their needs than to your own? Many people assume the role of a narcissistic extension, which means they are used, or allow themselves to be used, as a supply to keep the other person "on track", or in control, or feeling okay. Often the person who extends the narcissist does not recognise what is happening as the narcissist (unconsciously or consciously) uses strategies that trick the narcissistic extension into believing they have certain invaluable traits. Narcissists can be excessively loving, due to their need for a supply of love, but their needs outweigh any real love, and the extension is simply that, a part of the narcissist, not a full human being.
3
Think outside the box. Don't compare yourself to the stereotypical narcissistic extension; narcissistic extensions are not only trophy wives for well-paid executives. They are more often targeted by the narcissist for traits that the narcissist (possibly reflexively) realises he can manipulate. He thus always plays a game with his extension, turning them gradually from the beloved, elevated "person of their dreams" into an object who is debased, found wanting and "not good enough." That is because the extension can never fill the narcissist's ever-empty hole inside, and like an addiction, the narcissist's need to feel whole always requires more and more. Being a narcissistic extension does not necessarily mean boosting the narcissist's self-esteem, though it may include that. It might also involve being critical but engaged with the person. If there is withdrawal by the extension, the narcissist will panic and run.
4
Understand that the narcissist often makes use of some psychological games to get what they want. At the same time, they never succeed in their never-ending quest for new ways to prove to themselves they're worth something. Thus, sooner or later, new material acquisitions or new people (or both) become necessary especially at a time of insecurity, or work and/or family problems, and particularly if the extension stops playing his or her inculcated role. The narcissist finds it exceedingly easy to devalue one previously "adored" narcissistic extension, and replace him or her with someone he ranks higher. This ranking is not rational, as it is the thrill of the new and exciting that keeps him from feeling empty and addressing his own weaknesses. He would rather move on, and, in a way, that is good news for the narcissistic extension. Once that often kind and benign person has been dropped, often callously, cruelly, silent treatment, desertion, etc (contradicting the entire positive spin he used to trap his "victim"), the next one will inevitably fall into the trap.
5
Be careful and use your intuition. It is not easy to spot a narcissist, as mentioned, as they can equally be "Mr Nice Guy" as "Mr I am.' The signs are subtle, but one guiding rule is trust your immediate intuition, and do not believe his or her words; focus entirely on their actions.
6
Know that the narcissist can leave you at the very moment you stop making them feel important. No surprise when you know, but when you don't it is a huge and traumatic shock, he/she leaves, usually without warning or explanation, or with lies, and has another person waiting in the wings. If asked about their earlier professions of love/friendship, they'll shrug it off: "I meant it at the time." Just like they mean it this time; to a greater or lesser degree they really believe 'this is it! The perfect love which will complete me' but they are deluded. The narcissist's needs are insatiable and in time, this new extension will be dumped and replaced, just like all the others.
7
Be strong and patient with yourself. It often takes the person who has played the role of narcissistic extension some time to recover from the shock of being dumped. The narcissist may also go through a normal "bad patch" but cannot bear the feelings that arise, so he finds, easily enough, another to fill the place before he or she has a chance to feel empty. The narcissistic extension is in shock, and goes through the stages of grief. The poignant and problematical issue is that the narcissistic extension is grieving for what never was, and this means that it takes longer to get over the relationship. They have to miss out twice, in a sense, while the narcissist does not grieve, and just moves on, until, perhaps, one day, he exhausts all avenues and has to face himself, but, by now, he is metaphorically "unseen" and unknowable to his or her non-self.
8
Heal your wounds and rise again, liberated from that person's negative influence on you. The narcissistic extension does his or her grief work and the grief work of the narcissist, and then has to accept that the narcissist never cared about or loved them, as the narcissist simply substitutes them with "other supplies" for love, and the extension must come to terms with the fact that their life with that person was a lie. It is difficult and painful work but it is work that eventually enables growth and the reintegration of the extension as an "I," the antithesis of narcissistic and a person of true empathy and compassion. So, if you identify yourself playing this role, recognise it, do something, go through the harsh grief and recognition of the truth, and know that you will be a happier and healthier person who knows they can and do love." Tina H
I wasn't familiar with the word narcissistic extension, but I was very familiar with this role.
It is no different than those who support alcoholics or drug addicts...enablers.
I wasn't a bystander I was a narcissistic extension...and then I was grooming my children to become one too; for me.
While many feel that abuse is an event, a moment in time, it is a complete lifestyle. It is not something to forgive, forget and move on...it is something to unlearn...and to stop with how you interact with others.
And in large families, there are huge supplies of narcissistic extensions....when when stops, another will quickly fill their shoes. It matters not to the narcissistic who is doing this job, for they don't see you anyway, JUST WHAT YOU WILL DO FOR THEM.
In seeing, feeling and knowing how I operated with my mother, I was able to stop expecting my children to act like I acted. I was able to set them free...They are not an extension of me, they are their own person.
They are free to chose and to live and to be as their souls dictate. Their lives are not mine to live.
This disconnection, this separation was extremely hard on me for I was detaching from my mother and my children at the same time, and then finding a me that existed without doing or having someone define me. I was being peeled on both sides while growing or finding me.
The Narcissistic Extension is a huge affect of living in a dysfunctional home...you are not able to discern how to engage in relationships. You have no self if you are not doing or having someone define you. You by your self amounts to zero.
It was wildly frightening to disconnect everyone, to unplug their responsibilities in defining me and to be motionless in caring for the needs of the narcissistic....to just be a separated unit....and to find love there...with just me.
I still hear the rumblings of others wanting me to do something...to reconnect in some way....and all I want is for all to be separated and free.
Being a narcissistic extensions is to be a flea on a dogs back...you are at the mercy of the narcissistic always. And, ironically, the narcissistic is at the mercy of the extension. Both are held prisoners of each other. Both need the other in order to live.
