In discoverying that Judgment is actually a decision making event and living with the affects it has your actions...I also see how it clearly shows...what two things you need to decide upon.
If there were no choices, there would be no need for decision...or "Judgment".
In families, it is seen as being loyal and loving towards family, if you don't ever change your mind about people who are blood relatives. Family IS Family, period.
It is better to only see one choice...Family...and rally and fight to keep this first image alive...than it is to have actual boundaries and standards...(choices).
How many of us put up with behaviors from families, that we would never tolerate from 'friends' or even strangers?
We tolerate it and call it 'unconditional' love.
One of the most damaging things that we took from our parents home was the fact that my mother had no boundaries, no limits, no set point, nothing. Anything was permitted by her husband, and she remained a loyal to 'their love' and marriage. No matter how disloyal and hurtful he was, no matter the amount of damage he inflicted, she stayed loyal, like a blind dog to all his faults. Or worse, 'blessed them away'.
So she was a blind dog who could see...active denial.
This type of 'loving' is what she gave us as an example for love. My father did all sorts of unloving things and it didn't change how she treated him...her tolerance for unloving actions told us it was NOT loving to change her mind.
Instead she changed her mind on what he did.
She removed the flaws and bad behavior with the forgiveness of sins....she forgave and forgot and moved back onto the landscape of nice and loving.
She never let herself stay with the negative...she moved on.
Moved away from his negative behaviors. She never barked or acted mean...she was always the faithful dog...loving the one who hurt her.
So, there never was two choices, she quickly did what she needed to do to be the loving faithful wife.
Now, my siblings are doing the same thing...being loving kids...overlooking the negative to have a positive relationship...if that is even possible?
I told my brother, I don't care if I get an F as daughter, but I have boundaries within relationships. I have expectations and standards and I will not lower the bar to the ground so family/friends can roll their butts over the line.
What is see in dysfunctional families is the lack of a bar... so they don't then have to decide who makes it over or who falls short.
There will be no choices if you don't have standards.
All types are welcome.
Treat me kind or treat me mean...I will remain faithful always.
Faithful to the family. Blood is Blood!
Family is family...is a refrain I have heard repeated in its disloyal strength...
They see me as being very cold and heartless and Judging...when I kick family out...for not reaching my bar.
I am not a family player.
How dare I set a bar at all??? Who do I think I am that I can set limits for them to aspire to or fall short of?
How difficult it has to be for your children to have this bar...to worry about falling short of the bar...
And, I see their bars on the ground and wonder how they can live like that?
How can you let anyone into your home? How can you allow any types of behavior tag on to the backs of family and not flick and eyelid? How is it okay to accept all and call it love?
Really?
All behaviors are loving behaviors?
Only God gets to decide (judge what is a bad behavior...you can't?
This leaves you sitting bar less...like a faithful dog hoping that no one will hurt you...powerless without a protective fence. Hoping for a loving relationship to bloom...someday.
It is like you are the dog and the dog owner...and you have chained yourself to people who are hurting you...but hoping they don't.
All I know, is that I lived both ways...and I prefer having my bar off the ground. To know I have the power to move away from people who hurt.
I am glad I have the ability to make decisions...that I don't have to be in relationships with people who hurt me.
And let me tell you it hurts more when family hurts you...than if a complete stranger lies...or betrays you.
But, I also know by setting boundaries, I am teaching my children to not be a helpless dog...that you don't have to continue to love those that hurt you.
I am showing them a new pattern....one that I wasn't given.
I know family is family...until they hurt you...then we get to decide again.
I can only see hurt being healed if the one who hurts you works to change their behavior, learns that it isn't okay to hurt family.
Hurting families are abusive families.
You simply can't get a loving family without boundaries.
We were taught in the church and in our abusive home, that you are not worthy of setting you own boundaries, of having a set of standards that may exclude some....
Many see me as being alone and isolated for my bar is too high.
Really? Too high...so not to let pedophiles and cheaters in? Really that is too high?
And I ask, how low is your bar if they can walk in easily?
