IMPERFECT Lady

How did I get Here?

"Finding Your Way in a Wild New World - Reclaim you true nature to create the life you want." By Martha Beck.

I am just in the very beginnings of this book, and it isn't about doing what you love or making grand goals, but rather finding your own true nature.

I had just spoken to my brother about how abuse takes us off the path of our natural self as well as the trappings of a strict religion, we are made to fit into someone else's idea of who we are.

She asks two questions.

"How did I get here?"

"What do I do now?"

And she likes the sentiment of Mary Oliver's line, "Tell me what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

There are three questions...that need to be meditated on and for us to listen closely to our inner being.

She writes, " All I ask, as you read this book, is that you listen for the real answer to that question.  Not the answer that comes from the "you" most people see, with those uncomfortable clothes and that weary, political social face, but the one from your true nature..."

It is my belief, that most of us are not living our true nature, but are living the lives we were taught to live...and that if you removed all the labels and the ideals we grew up with, who would you be?

Can you answer...How did I get here?

Beyond the Mind.

In Proof of Heaven, Eben Alexander writes,

"When it came to Near Death Experiences, there are there basic camps.  There were the believers; either people who had undergone an NDE themselves or who simply found such experiences easy to accept. Then, of course, there were the staunch unbelievers (like the old me). These people didn't generally classify themselves as unbelievers, however.  They simply "knew" that the brain generated consciousness and wouldn't hold still for crazy ideas of the mind beyond the body (unless they were good-naturedly comforting someone, as I had thought I'd been doing with Suzanna that day)."

"The more I learned about my condition, and the more I sought, using scientific literature, to explain what happened, the more I came up spectacularly short. Everything - the uncanny clarity of my vision, the clearness of my thoughts as pure conceptual flow - suggested higher, not lower, brain functioning. But my higher brain had not been around to do that work."

"The more I read of the "scientific" explanations of what NDEs are, the more I was shocked by their transparent flimsiness. And yet I also knew with chagrin that they were exactly the same ones that the old "me" would have pointed to vaguely if someone had asked me to explain what an NDE is."

"But people who weren't doctors couldn't be expected to know this. If what I'd undergone had happened to someone - anyone - else, it would have been remarkable enough. But that it had happened to me...Well, saying that it had happened "for a reason" made me a little uneasy.  There was enough of the old doctor in me to know how outlandish - how grandiose, in fact - that sounded. But when I added up the sheer unlikelyhood of all the details - and especially when I considered how precisely perfect a disease E. coli meningitis was for taking my cortex down, and my rapid and complete recovery from almost certain destruction - I simply had to take serious the possibility that it really and truly had happened for a reason."

"That only made me feel a greater sense of responsibility to tell my story right." Eben.

What I love about this book and "My Stroke of Insight" is how a person with the right and perfect background and formal training has an experience, that they intimately understand and do so while remaining conscious, when medically it is impossible or so we thought...and how they are able to write about it.

Eben was shown how consciousness works by experience and it trumped all his prior learning.  It opened up a completely new space around his neurosurgeon's beliefs.

What I find so fascinating and so enthralling is how so many old beliefs are getting left standing almost silly looking by the sheer fact that People of Knowledge are experiencing what they thought was impossible.  That it is happening to specific people and it does seem to have its purpose.  If to do nothing else but to tip down old belief systems.

I have felt, and do feel, a kinship to these folks, but in a much more normal segment of the population. A regular person who was aware of her journey out of dysfunction. 

To find consciousness, clarity and choices while fully knowing my brain was washed and cleansed and twisted by the church and abuse...respectively.

It would seem, that a person such as I, would not be able to "know" what to do, what to say and where to go...that the very person I was trained to be, would the very tool against me.  And yet, I was able to walk clear.

How?

How was it possible for me to do what others didn't seem able to do?  How was I different than them?  How am I able to see what others can't?  How is it that reality and I are one, while they can't seem to grasp it?

All, I can say is that I too had consciousness on my side. It wasn't my thinking brain that guided me...for it was completely damaged by years of cult like teachings and abuse's definitions...I used a totally different navigational tool...awareness - consciousness...a knowing that I hadn't known before.

Everything that I had known prior was to also be found flimsy and weak, without a string to reality.

The reason I write on this blog is to share my experiences of how abuse looks to an aware mind.  How religion's applications of forgiveness of sins is failing in reality. Without awareness or consciousness...you can only see the unquestioned beliefs...without doubts you will stand steadfast in the clutches of your unfounded beliefs.

I know, that I am seen as "the crazy one" the one who is way out there.  I get it. And, I agree. I am not the usual victim.  I have been able to see my brainwashed mind and the way abuse had it so completely upside down.  And, I have been able to re-work those old definitions to put them back correctly.

I believe that this is the new way forward. That the abused mind/brainwashed cult brain can be overcome...by consciousness.

What I don't know is how to get consciousness, for it just was there for me. When my world shattered into a billion pieces all I was left with was that.  Which actually was much wider and more spacious than any belief I held dear.

I have lost much, but I have gained even more.

I write, for I believe that it will someday make someone else's journey less weird and feel less crazy.  

These books legitimize the unbelievable and make a new belief...while kindly ridding us of the old paradigms.

I have felt the strange aloneness, the echoes of no one before me. To be ahead of the time.  To look around and see so many challenging me with this 'weird' way.

It is like there are new experiences coming forth...gaining consciousness.

I wonder what we have called "Near Death Experiences" were actually brushes with consciousness?

For, It changes you forever...knowing there is more beyond the mind.

Your Life Lessons.

Did you know that we don't all feel the same? Well, we all feel fear as fear, but what we fear is where the differences lie.

And, we learn to fear things by experiences.  Our spectrum or knowledge of fear is based upon how often we had to learn what to fear by being hurt first.

This is not something that can be taught second hand, it is first hand experiential learning.  It will require you to walk along, believing you are safe and okay, until you are not.  

We each get to walk out into many different relationships and experiences with full trust and faith, until something happens.  It is this happening, where learning is learned.

I did not know that feelings were taught and grown lesson by lesson...and they are completely personal.  We can give a heads up, but a believing person has faith and trust that the path they are on is 'different' than my lesson.  

That even if there are clues and facts that appear similar to my old road, theirs will be the exception...theirs will be the one in a million chance of turning out good, against all odds.

Yet, I can't picture a world without this faith, trust and believability.  It is called youth...the young folk and Hope.

What I also have great faith in, is that there is a line in everyone's life, that when it is crossed, their feelings will change.  We can't know where the line is or sometimes even what the line is, but it is lying there hidden, until exposed.

When something happens, it changes the course we were on...our feelings change and we course correct.

Somehow, I forget this in the lives of my adult children.  I forget that they are learning life. They are finding the lines in their lives...the boundaries.

What I as a Mother want, is to spare my children pain, suffering and heartache and hurt...but it would be to stop them from learning about life.  

It does seem though, that some are on a fast track of learning...and are putting themselves in very vulnerable positions...with their hearts wide open full of trust and faith...believing.

The perfect student pose.

I didn't know that watching your children learn could be so difficult to watch.

In order to be a fully emotional being, with courage and strength, you have to get in the middle of some very messy life lessons....to go in deep completely wide open.

Ugh.

The only way for me to survive is to know that broken hearts are strong hearts....and wise beyond their years.  Wisdom doesn't come into our lives via the easy road or on the one most traveled.  It often arrives amidst betrayal and deceit...or on needy self absorbed charmers.

We don't learn by what we do, but more often by what is done to us.

How I feel about a certain event and how you feel about the same event, will depend upon the scars from your life lessons.

Left in the Paper.

In Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, "Simple Abundance" she writes about the daily practice of writing, to take the thoughts in your head and put them on paper, daily. To get rid of the continual repetitive chatter that goes around and around in your head...kicking up a mental storm of things that distract us.

And, to put that information down on paper, to empty out our heads....daily.

What I find, is that when a troubling idea comes in, it seems like it attracts a million other thoughts, shooting into my head like arrows, piercing my inner psyche.

By writing, I am able to place them in a spot that doesn't inflict others.

However, there are times I live first and write later.  There are times I write in live time and repent later.  And often, here on the blog, I am sorting out my life in writing.

Writing to me has many applications, and I do believe, the more I write, the less my mind has to play with...for it is taken out of my head and scribbled down and oddly contained in the paper.

It may be wiser, as a mother, to write for a few days, before reacting.  To just write my fears, my worries, my wondering, my frets down...and let them stew and steep together, letting wisdom rise to the top...and then speak from there.

Sarah writes, "Stressed souls reassuring rhythm of self-nurturing rituals. Sometimes, when I have a particularly thorny issue to resolve, I'll write two pages in the morning and come back in the evening to see if there isn't an answer that's forthcoming. Very frequently there is.  And until there is, at least there is relief and release."

I didn't see or take the time to notice, that this is actually true. That if you write, live the day and write again later on, you are much more rational and reasonable, and at the very least feel lighter for having gotten rid of the stressful thoughts.

They seem to be legitimized and organized, even if they fall out of you in a jumbled mess, they are at least laying down word for word...and not on an endless loop swirling in your brain.

My saving grace has been writing...my stumbling block, at least with my kids is that I write later, talk, holler, speak loudly, give them  a piece of my messy mind, and then write.  I will practice living life in reverse.  To try and not share the mess in my head, until the mess is filtered out and all that remains is wisdom.

I can see how my children have been able to witness this process...and perhaps will use it in reverse.  For, usually we learn what not to do.

I also believe, the more heightened and excited I am, the more troubling the situation appears to me, the more constraint I will need to exercise...for it is then that my arrows are laced with PTSD.  It is then, that more writing will be required to lessen and release and figure out a reasonable way forth.

I see how often my unsteady insides, expand or contract things unreasonably.  That if I write long enough, the truth will rise to the top. The words may change, the defenses may be the same, but beneath it all there is a constant steady stream of what is.

And, usually, I will know what is mine to change and what is not....what is mine to accept and surrender to it.  Often, what is the biggest problem is the ride from event into surrender...and to be released from responsibility and take with me, only what is mine to carry...the rest get left in the paper.

Let it be...

Am I the only one who feels ill prepared for life? That what I need for this particular experience, will arrive to me when it is over.  I will have the wisdom to navigate these waterfalls, after falling down the falls, but not before.

I head in time and time again, unsure and unknowing...

That parenting is like trial and error, but never a sure bet or a clear path.  It is always like we are learning on our children, AND with their feelings and lives.  

Is it that we rub each other in order to find our truth? 

Today my head is tired of flipping the rubic's cube of mothering around and around...wondering what is the better way, what is the less invasive, more caring, less neglecting etc....

I took a break and dove into my art space.

I half heartedly and with my soul tied up in angst, I did create.  

I can see why I was drawn to do this years ago, and still find solace here.

It calms my mind, by not focusing I can focus.  It brings in color, design and good energy. 

It holds me in the present, I can't wander too far back or forward.  I seek fabrics that are bright to help me see better...inside of me.

As I sat back and looked at this one, I could see the lines, the road it appeared and how Love and Energy floated free above it.

I keep thinking there are rules to mothering, that I must stay on the path of knowing, when I can't know.  

I am not sure how this quilt will be in the end, but for today, this quilt top anchored me.  

Oh, and a ride with my husband, who remembers more clearly his youth...his years of doing and learning and growing...He is good for my children for he can see their side.  He can remember his journey how it weaved and curved...and, how he is wiser because of it. 

Life isn't a paved road of knowing, that we will never veer off of....it is much more like a learn as you go life.  

Kind of like I do art....I never know what it will be until it is over....but I do my best, add what feels right, move things around...and then let it be.

(there will be an answer, let it be, let it be....) 

Patterns in one Family

What is a healthy mother daughter relationship? What is my business and what is theirs? When does a healthy mother get involved and when does she stay away? What is balance or what causes imbalance?  What is concern and what is meddling? When is it controlling and when is it being caring?

Coming from utter neglect, I am having troubles either over stepping or not stepping at all.  I swing from either pole...but can't seem to find that delicate step on the sweet spot of middle.

Where it honors each of us, but isn't blind.

Where it is involved, but not overpowering.

Where love is expressed and concern is shown...and freedom lies.

And, is it my delivery or is it in the receiving?

Is it better to see and address things that you see are out of kilter or is it better to be silent in a forced peace?

Is it possible to be four different moms with four different kids, or am I the same mom with four different responses?

Am I just me and Me feels different depending upon where you are standing?

Or, do I change how I mother with each kid?

Or even more, do I change how I mother in different situations?

Is my history of neglect more transparent in certain situations and less in others?

Am I more acutely aware in places where I detect abuse, than in places where there is none?

Do I become an uncompromising mom when I detect toxic energy?

I am finding it hard to find reasonable...or hard to know when to push forward and when to back off?

My mothering slope is quite steep or very low.....and I swing from Caring Less to Over Caring.

Is there a spot called perfect caring?

A place where trust and faith and love live...

My mothering model goes from controlling and conditional, to caring less into a dark pit of who cares.

It always seems like I slide swiftly by reason and plunge directly into being left in the cold...or being completely responsible and controlling about things I have no control over.

It is like my tool box of mother is filled with extreme and limited responses...and what would come natural is very unnatural for me.

I have to will myself back to reason...while not knowing what reason is?

Like hunting for a certain place, yet not knowing what it is...and then camping there unknowning if it is the middle.  It could be just a tad out of neglect....or it could be closer to the middle, I never seem to know.

My inner gauge has been tampered with.

Its readings are not quite right.

So, I mostly error in over compensation...which I am sure feels like smothering or being in their business.

And, what is the business of mother child? 

How much is reasonable to share and what becomes intrusive?

How do you discern the lines of reason?

What is a mother's role as their children enter into adulthood?

When do you back away or do you?

I have witnessed the backing out, until there is no relationship, but a holiday one. Is that considered normal?  Am I expecting and being unreasonable to want more?

What is so extremely hard is finding the healthy balance coming from such imbalance and not over stepping into another unhealthy spot of being overpowering.

It is like Neglect is on one pole and Control on the other....and I have to find the middle of the road.

To not control, but to allow....but not allow in a careless way.

To set up standards, but not have rules...or conditions, yet have them.

It seems like mothering is asking the impossible....to lead but not lead....to allow, but not allow.  To know when to say when and when not to say when.

It is the damned if you do and your damned if you don't.

But, looking back at my own experience of being mothered.  I feel that she failed me in not responding when she should have.

She didn't respond when abuse stepped in.

She acted like it was all okay.

Like I was not in danger, while I was.

Like I was okay when I was not.

So, I am trying to mother with the aid of reality. To, at the bare mininum, respond to what I see, hear and feel.  To be aware of my children's lives WHEN they go off balance.

It is like we are all humming along, until one slips....and slides away. AND, then I become involved.  But, am I too involved?  Is it possible to be too caring as one is slipping off center?

I am sure, at some point, a mother has to let them go. To allow them to slip off center and then to climb back on...in their own time....or not at all.

I just find it so maddening to see, accept and have to surrender and to allow....one of my kids to be off center.

Is it unreasonable to want or expect children to be perfectly balanced in their lives...especially coming from whence they came.  I am one of the factors that tipped them off the line of self balance.

So, how now, can I help them get back?

How do I actively help bring them back to their center and self empowerment?

What is my role?

Is it helpful to show where they are off....or is it more helpful to ignore it?

And, is it even possible for me to pretend to pretend that I don't see them off their game?

And, do I have to support their imbalance?

Am I not allowed to be a mother who wants above all else for my children to be balanced, strong, centered, empowered?

And yet, it is their lives, they are allowed to live anywhere upon the spectrum.

My goal as a mom or maybe as a woman, was to find my own center...maybe, okay not maybe, but I guess I don't have the right to tell them where their center is.

 We may not match in the end.

They my find it being more comfortable to be off center. They may find love and happiness way off their center.  

I tipped them....when I didn't allow them free will...in their early days.  I set this pattern in motion.

Now, I get to live with watching the consequences of this manifest in their lives...in varying degrees.  

It is being aware of your legacy being lived out....and sadly, even if I have changed my pattern, they may not decide or want to change theirs.

I raised them to be off center...when I was off center...so they would match me.

As a mother, I did damage.

As a mother, I changed.

Like one of my daughters said, "We have had two moms without going through a divorce."  But, that leaves me in a strange land.  Some will match my old self and some will match my new....when, how and If, it is all up to them.

Complicated to have two patterns in one family.

 

Control Us.

In Eben Alexander's book, "Proof of Heaven" he writes about evil.

"Through the Orb, Om told me that there is not one universe but many - in fact, more than I could conceive - but that love lay at the center of all of them. Evil was present in all the other universes as well, but only in the tiniest trace amounts. Evil was necessary because without it free will was impossible, and without free will there could be no growth - no forward movement, no chance for us to become what God longed for us to be. Horrible and all-powerful as evil sometimes seemed to be in a dominant world like ours, in the larger picture love was overwhelmingly dominant, and it would ultimately be triumphant."  Eben

It is interesting to see the human growth factor in the application of evil, and how we would prefer that there just not be any...and yet if it was removed, our human consciousness would be stunted.

Evil forces us to grow by how we utilize our free will.  It is asking of you to put up boundaries, to sit with the cause and effect and to choose.  If there weren't opposites, what would we have to push against?

Ironically, my biggest growth spurt came when I recognized the evil in my father... my mother and in myself.  It was then, I had a choice.  Who am I?

If, I had staunchly defended his/her/my good, I would have failed to grow.

In seeing evil, I then became unglued...I had free will.

I was able to see two choices.

Ironically most churches will preach against evil and then bless it away...while never actually dealing with it.  

IF, evil wasn't something to bless away, but rather something that was in place for you to learn about choices, it would be very powerful indeed. Powerful in a way that doesn't weaken who you are, but rather empower you, by the choices you make.

It is like evil's presence is everywhere, but we are using it poorly. We are allowing it to weaken us, instead of using it as a spring board for strengthening our free will.

I have come to view churches as the biggest advocate for evil...for it eliminates our power to move away, by saying "No sin is too great to forgive."

Instead of letting evil stand alone, the church quickly comes in and erases it...eliminating the choice to move away.  If the evil is no longer there, there is no reason to change your choice.

If, you remove the application of forgiveness of sins, you let evil stand unveiled. It then becomes the responsibility of the 'evil' one to change....or not.  Restoring each person's free will.

What is the incentive for evil folks to change their behavior when it isn't seen as a tangible item, but rather a fleeting image that isn't attached to them?

In my experiences with my father and his supporters, none of his behavior did he have to own, improve or change.  His evil behaviors were not registered into the content of who he was.  Until perhaps upon his death...when, the choices of engagement with him was eliminated.

So many will wait until the choice is taken from them....when the other person dies, so that they are free. This is not a growth exercise.

Evil is here to give us a choice...for us to grow as individuals, for us to find our inner strength...and free will.

Evil would not be so powerful if more of us had free will.

In fact, the answer to evil just may be free will.

Evil is only powerful if it can control us.  

Back to Me.

‎"The path spirals and takes time - it will take us a year - but it is comforting and nurturing. It can also be undertaken only one day at a time. Don't be afraid. We are not alone. Like pioneers on the trail, we will learn to live by our own lights and the stars of heaven, for that is all we need. There is no obstacle that true grit and Amazing Grace cannot overcome." Sarah B

What I have discovered is the path towards healing from sexual abuse is quite long...it is actually as long as it is equal to the distance of living your own truth.

I was way off the mark, a long way from center.  My whole perception of the world and self was skewed.

And, the journey was taken by me and Amazing Grace.  Together, the right and perfect orchestration arose for me to see that which I hadn't seen. An unconscious part of me.  Or, I was put back into the perfect situation to express that which I hadn't expressed or felt.

If you truly desire to change the direction of your path, you will be assisted by the whole power of the Universe.  

I had books that would simply be set out in the library, that would answer a question that was plaguing me, I would cross paths with a person that shared with me their experience, events would arise and I would hear another person's story that echoed mine...all orchestrated for me.

There were no mistakes in my past and none in my present...all represent who I am today.  Most challenges, while grueling, were to give back to me a part of me that was lost.  A part of me that was under the influence of others or things.  

The path to self awareness or self empowerment, will be a slide show in real time...bringing up all the parts of your self that are not free.

We think to our selves, that it would be a lofty spiritual goal to want enlightenment or to be fully aware....only to find out all the places we ARE NOT.

It isn't for the faint of heart.  It will absolutely take true grit to get you to win back to your self the parts that you gave away out of survival or to be liked or to be loved.

I began with very little that was solely me.  Most of me was tangle into lives and things and far out of my control. And, when I took me back, my world rattled.

Most were not used to me being so self centered.  So intent on living life from my inside out...

My truths were hard to hear and survive for others...as well as for me.

But, I would have simply died...to have lost one more speck of me. And, once I knew that what I called myself, was actually a composition of what you all thought of me....and it had very little roots within me.

In the past 8 years I have been on a path of gathering me...

I have found parts of myself in the oddest of places.

Like, my toenails were owned by the FALC (First Apostolic Lutheran Church). As well as my hair, my make-up less face, my womb, etc.  

I found my decisions in my husband.  I believed he and he alone should make the 'big choices'.

I found my spirit and my soul to be very small...in comparison to the rest of my life. 

I found my love, trust and faith to have been trashed and I am working to revive it.

I found my mothering skills a direct reflection of my mothers and in horror worked to re-define them.

The list is endless and I just never know when a part of me will pop up...when a lost part of myself will come into view. 

I recognize it by how powerless I am.

It means a part of me is being held hostage, I am not in control.

If I can find a way to not be influenced or affected by them, I take me back.

The harder the challenge, the more of me, I stand to gain.

My path has been long, for I had given so much of me away....

It is truly exhilarating and terrifying, gratifying and confounding, hating and loving, equally.

A long road back to me.

Speak No Truths.

"Not only will we have to repent for the sins of bad people; but we also will have to repent for the appalling silence of good people.” Martin Luther King Jr.

I just finished reading "Night" by Elie Wiesel and here is a part that is interesting.

"Two days after my operation, there was a rumor going round camp that the front had suddenly drawn nearer. The Red Army, they said, was advancing on Buna; it was only a matter of hours now."

"We were already accustomed to rumors of this kind. It was not the first time a false prophet had foretold to us peace-on-earth, negotiations-with-the-Red-Cross-for-our-release, or other false rumors.....And often we believed them. It was an injection of morphine."

"But this time these prophecies seemed more solid. During the last few nights, we had heard guns in the distance."

"My neighbor, the faceless one, said: 

"Don't let yourself be fooled with illusions.  Hitler has made it very clear that he will annihilate all the Jews before the clock strikes twelve, before they can hear the last stroke."

"I burst out;"

"What does it matter to you?  Do we have to regard Hilter as a prophet?"

"His glazed, faded eyes looked at me. At last he said in a weary voice:"

"I've got more faith in Hitler, than in anyone else.  He's the only one who's kept his promises, all his promises, to the Jewish people."  

"At four o'clock on the afternoon of the same day, as usual the bell summoned all heads of the blocks to go and report."

"They came back shattered.  They could only just open their lips enough to say the word: evacuation.  The camp was to be emptied, and we were to be sent further back. Where to?  To somewhere right in the depths of Germany, to other camps; there was no shortage of them."

"When?"

"Tomorrow evening?"

"Perhaps the Russians will arrive first."

"Perhaps."

"We knew perfectly well that they would not."  Elie Wiesel

Isn't it interesting how Hitler kept his word?

Isn't it also enlightening to see the hope and continual belief in what keeps failing?

I realize that Elie's experience of evil is at the utmost end of the spectrum...and yet, it seems that in sexual abuse, the only one to keep their word or to be faithful to themselves are the perpetrators.  The 'good' folk just keep promising and failing.

I see Evil as being this faithful one you can rely upon and how most will continually believe IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN....and put their faith in that.  When history and family legacies and sheer statistics show us how you can rely upon evil to deliver.

And, I am not sure who will stop this machine of sexual abuse. There is no Red Army approaching the lines...trying to curtail the activities of most pedophiles.

It seems mostly to me, that most are waiting.  Waiting for what, I am not sure.

Some wait for him to die....

Some wait to leave home.

Some wait and hope there will be no more.

And, while we wait and believe that tomorrow the abuse will be done, it will be over....it will end. The abuser has no one stopping him.

I see very little active pursuit of eliminating the next victims availability...to make them scarce to these individuals.  Instead, it is like we are inviting him into our camps...for very few will ask him to leave.

I just find it amazing how we can count on the abuser, he is more faithful...He is the true prophet.

And those who are hoping to change or for change are the false prophets...they speak no truths.

A story of You.

I had not realized that there is always a second part to our speaking out; and that is the space we bring it to.  We need the person to be open enough in their beliefs to accept what we are saying.  

"Narrow minded" is not just a saying, it is literally true.  Some minds are not accepting of experiences and lifestyles beyond their own.  

Often, we then are left feeling odd or abnormal, when actually our lives are just too colorful and filled with experiences that can't fit into their narrow ideas of the world; people, what is right and what is wrong, what is normal and what is not.

If it isn't reflective of their self, it doesn't fit.

Today, I made journal covers...and I was told that the real art will be what is written inside.  And, I believe that it is true for all of us.  Inside of us, is where the real art of who we are lives...

We can be as narrow minded or as broad minded by how we stretch in learning about our selves.  

It would seem that we would be open minded IF we accepted all people, without a boundary; to have no lines drawn in the sand, but be like an open doorway, where all can come into our lives and pass out...without restraints.

I am not talking about being without boundaries, but rather a mind that is open, curious, questioning, inquisitive, probing...investigating and wanting to learn more and enter the deeper parts of who we are.

The surface revolving door, will allow any one in, but only at a surface level...

A open mind, will be one who will want to know the soul of who you are; how you were created, what makes you you.

Writing stretched my mind about me...

Here are four more journals without my Art....or should I say the surfaces before I add constrasts, designs, shapes.  They are not bad, but just one dimension...

And, with Art added.  Imagine then, if you will with words. Feeling words, painful words, sorrowful words, betrayal words...depth, heart and soul...all encased in a warm blanket...a quilted cover...something to hold...a story of you.

 

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