"The path spirals and takes time - it will take us a year - but it is comforting and nurturing. It can also be undertaken only one day at a time. Don't be afraid. We are not alone. Like pioneers on the trail, we will learn to live by our own lights and the stars of heaven, for that is all we need. There is no obstacle that true grit and Amazing Grace cannot overcome." Sarah B
What I have discovered is the path towards healing from sexual abuse is quite long...it is actually as long as it is equal to the distance of living your own truth.
I was way off the mark, a long way from center. My whole perception of the world and self was skewed.
And, the journey was taken by me and Amazing Grace. Together, the right and perfect orchestration arose for me to see that which I hadn't seen. An unconscious part of me. Or, I was put back into the perfect situation to express that which I hadn't expressed or felt.
If you truly desire to change the direction of your path, you will be assisted by the whole power of the Universe.
I had books that would simply be set out in the library, that would answer a question that was plaguing me, I would cross paths with a person that shared with me their experience, events would arise and I would hear another person's story that echoed mine...all orchestrated for me.
There were no mistakes in my past and none in my present...all represent who I am today. Most challenges, while grueling, were to give back to me a part of me that was lost. A part of me that was under the influence of others or things.
The path to self awareness or self empowerment, will be a slide show in real time...bringing up all the parts of your self that are not free.
We think to our selves, that it would be a lofty spiritual goal to want enlightenment or to be fully aware....only to find out all the places we ARE NOT.
It isn't for the faint of heart. It will absolutely take true grit to get you to win back to your self the parts that you gave away out of survival or to be liked or to be loved.
I began with very little that was solely me. Most of me was tangle into lives and things and far out of my control. And, when I took me back, my world rattled.
Most were not used to me being so self centered. So intent on living life from my inside out...
My truths were hard to hear and survive for others...as well as for me.
But, I would have simply died...to have lost one more speck of me. And, once I knew that what I called myself, was actually a composition of what you all thought of me....and it had very little roots within me.
In the past 8 years I have been on a path of gathering me...
I have found parts of myself in the oddest of places.
Like, my toenails were owned by the FALC (First Apostolic Lutheran Church). As well as my hair, my make-up less face, my womb, etc.
I found my decisions in my husband. I believed he and he alone should make the 'big choices'.
I found my spirit and my soul to be very small...in comparison to the rest of my life.
I found my love, trust and faith to have been trashed and I am working to revive it.
I found my mothering skills a direct reflection of my mothers and in horror worked to re-define them.
The list is endless and I just never know when a part of me will pop up...when a lost part of myself will come into view.
I recognize it by how powerless I am.
It means a part of me is being held hostage, I am not in control.
If I can find a way to not be influenced or affected by them, I take me back.
The harder the challenge, the more of me, I stand to gain.
My path has been long, for I had given so much of me away....
It is truly exhilarating and terrifying, gratifying and confounding, hating and loving, equally.
A long road back to me.
