There is one more part of this book (The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes) that I want to share…
"To Take Responsibility for Yourself"
"This risk reminds me of how monkeys are captured in africa. Tribal peoples put out slotted cages filled with fresh fruit. The cages are anchored securely to the ground. Monkeys discover the cages, reach in and grab the fruit. Of course, they cannot retrieve the fruit because as long as the hand holds the fruit, it will not fit through the bars of the cage. The monkeys are then trapped. They could always let go of the fruit and escape, but they refuse to let go. Even as their human captors pick them up, they hold on."
"Trauma bonds are similar. There is always something kind, noble or redeeming about someone who has betrayed you. Victims of betrayal will hold on to those good things even while the world crashes around them. By holding on they stay stuck, just like the moneys. We do make our own prisons."
"That is exactly how it was with Jack. He sat in my office, admitted for an addiction relapse and treatment because he was absolutely suicidal about a woman he had broken up with four months earlier. He was a very high profile sports figure. He spent over a half-hour telling me how she was his dream woman. The sex was fabulous. She was his best friend. they each had children the same ages who really got along well with one another. They had been together for two years. All of which was well and good, except that she had stolen thirty thousand dollars from him, embarrassed him countless times with violent outbursts at highly visible public events, alienated all of his friends, and kept him in constant turmoil with her dramatic exits. After their last breakup she became involved with on of his closest colleagues and slept with him within a week. Jack was sad she would no longer take his calls. I told him he was lucky, and the therapy began."
"The scenarios of abuse in Jack's history and her history were there. He admitted that she terrified him most of the time. And he acknowledged that the relationship was over. Yet he had a thread of hope he could get her to therapy and retrieve the relationship. Like a monkey with fruit, Jack was holding on to the dream."
"The bottom line is: Your life is up to you. Take charge of it, or somebody else will." Patrick
This scenario is extremely popular with abused people, to never let go…for the hope of retrieving the relationship, no matter what. The sentiment is carried out in many ways in my family, whether it is in how they see my parents to how it is in their own personal relationships. They are not willing to let go of the 'good', no matter how much other junk is floating nearby. For they believe that family is family no matter what…and that healing is NOT in letting go…but in being there at all costs.
This ideology alone shows their past histories of abuse…and in how it imprisons their lives. And another chain on the prison door is the forgiveness of sins, that washes many deeds whiter than snow, eliminating them from their reality, so only the good remains.
This fallacy keeps them in relationships that are blended with good and evil. Where the evil is never dealt with…as evil, but is shoved aside in hope it changes or dies or they go to therapy or something….meanwhile the person keeps chanting and focusing on the good. Going forward with ONLY the positive. Not looking backwards and 'judging' others, but keeping the family a unit, no matter what. I am seen as the worst of the worst for dragging up the 'negative' and bad sins and awkward situations, while they righteously look kinder by forgiving the bad and keeping the good. As they hold on to the good, their lives are littered with filth 'unseen'.
They are willing and able to have relationships with anyone, for all they see are the good things.
Oh, except me. The one who is responsible for myself. I then hold others accountable for their actions.
This is a foreign concept in abusive homes…where actions are not seen due to the distortion, where the improbable becomes probable…the hopeless filled with hope. I feel that the biggest wrong I have done was to take off my distortion glasses…and to see what is and not blink it away.
This is a harsh stare to live under when you are used to people disregarding your bad behavior, your lacks of integrity and the false promises you fail to deliver, your lazy relationships of zero effort, the one way street of help, etc.
My family is picture perfect through the lens of distortion. Sadly, when you take the lenses off, you are left with a ragtag bunch suffering acutely from the ravages of living in an abusive home, untreated…who exhibit word perfect the language of the betrayal bond.
