IMPERFECT Lady

Breaking Free

In the book, "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D, there were exercises and things to write and probe your life about, but mostly what I received from this book was a huge affirmation of my journey breaking the bond of betrayal.

He writes in the end of the book

"What are risks of recovery?"

Physicists tell us that once an atom has touched another atom, there is a relationship between two atoms that endures forever, no matter how far they are from each other.  While physics involved are quite complex, the physical relationship principles are quite simple.  Once made, a relationship always exists as well.  Once a person has been part of our lives, ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact.  Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others."

"If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you.  You do not need to be in contact with the person to change the nature of the relationship.  You can change how your perceive it. You can change how it impacts you. This is true of all human systems - intact or not."  Patrick

What I totally understand about this section, IS that you can't continue on the same way, for you are no longer living in the world where the improbable is reasonable and reality doesn't exist.  

I feel that I am now seeing the world with completely naked eyes and it is impossible for me to pretend or overlook or distort reality.  In order to have a relationship with me, you eyes too will be naked.

He even writes about the distortion...under the subtitle,

"To Commit to Reality at All Costs."

"The movie Mask tells a story of a young man who had an illness that, among other things, "lionized" his face.  His facial features were so distorted that they often repelled people.  The movie tells of how he deals with other adolescents, his first girlfriend, other adults, his family and ultimately his death.  There is a point in the story when the boy, his mother and their friends go to an amusement park and buy tickets to the fun house.  In the fun house are the typical mirrors that distort appearance. The mirrors make you look fat or skinny or misshapen - only in the movie, the boy's face in the distorting mirror looks "normal." He calls his mother over to see.  The poignancy of the scene comes when the two of them gazing at the handsome face he would have had without his illness."

"In many ways, betrayal and exploitation are like being in the fun house.  It makes the abnormal and the grotesque appear normal.  Trauma distorts our perceptions just as sure as the mirrors in the fun house.  Your task is to leave the fun house and face the reality without the distortion.  This risk is the price of admission to recovery.  You simply have to be willing to do it."  Patrick

What a accurate metaphor for living in abuse and then leaving.  What I see as abnormal and the grotesque, they see as normal and unscathed.  How would it ever be possible to be in a relationship when we can't see eye to eye or more eye to reality?

He goes on to write, 

"Once you have clarity about reality you must be willing to risk that others will misperceive you. Survivors want others to understand them. They do not want anyone upset with them. Their childhood training taught them that "if you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all." If they have tried to change in the past they may even have had their lives threatened.  They hold out a vain hope that they can write a letter to explain their actions or that they can have the "talk" that will gain them the acceptance of their actions.  The fact is that they can give the perfect explanation and others in the abusive system will not understand it, maybe not even believe it.  Even those who truly do cherish the survivor will misperceive. Remember, they are back in the fun house.  If survivors are making significant changes, the people around them will not like it.  They will misinterpret the survivors actions.  They may even question the survivor's motivation and conduct.  Count on it."  Patrick

When you picture those who are still bonded by betray in a fun house and not able to see what you see, it helps in feeling that their reaction is less personal to me.  They simply are seeing out of eyes that have been distorted.

There is a refrain in a song, "I can see clearly now, the pain is gone, all obstacles in my way...." 

One of the last pages I earmarked, "To Say Good Bye"

"If someone does not respect your boundaries, you will have to leave. Many times I have witnessed incidents in which the victim gets to the point where she is ready to leave, only to have the abuser deliver the most compelling version of the seduction story. The abuser does not test the boundaries at that point, but once the victim is sucked back into the circle, the boundary abuse occurs again."

"Saying good-bye is wrenching for survivors, who already grieve their many losses. Here the survivor must confront the deep desire for the seduction story to be true. There is more than exploitation or abuse at stake here. There is the loss of some dream or core hope that made the seduction story so irresistible.  Usually that dream or hope has roots in some original wound for which the survivor has not yet fully grieved. So when it is time for good-bye, the grief will be overwhelming. The only choice you have to survive is to embrace the pain and experience the loss.  In many ways the betrayal bond protected you against that pain."

"You may not have to say good-bye, but you must be willing to do so. In fact, life as you know it may require a complete transformation for you to survive these relationships. Work, values, homes, friends, and even family relationships may have to substantively change for a successful recovery. What lengths are you willing to go to in order to be free? When you answer that question, you may have to face another risk; to be alone and be okay."  Patrick

This is the part that is the hardest, when abuse happened in your childhood home...when, in order to recover and heal, you have to say good-bye to all whose eyes are distorted.  Mostly, it is not how you see them, but rather how they see you.

I have been seen as the home wrecker, the mental woman, the insane person who insanely believes, that in order to gain my life back, my freedoms etc...that I have to walk out of the fun house, and be alone.

I do.

If, there was a way to honor myself and my integrity and authenticity AND be a vistor in the fun house, I would have.  But, there simply is no other way to break the betrayal bond, than to cut the ties that bind you...

Even if the rest of my family believe that I am certifiably nuts, cold and heartless...this book affirms my journey...both while under the influence of the bonds and breaking free.

Thank you Patrick Carnes for writing this!

"Some of us cried out, it is too great a risk!"  The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous

 

 

In Abuse, Unaware.

Patrick Carnes book, "The Betrayal Bond" is like a blueprint into so many lives...to not only what happens to a life that has been abused, but its consequences or the changes their life then takes.  

He writes...(it is a long blog, but full of great information)

"Children are presented with what trauma researcher David Calof has described as the "universal bind".  Do not see, hear, sense, feel or address what is real. Instead, accept what is unreal and proscribed in the interest of your survival.  Disbelieve the obvious and accept the improbable.  The bind is that the child is presented with only two options (1) to be overwhelmed with terror and not able to function, or (2) distort reality to survive. Because of the bind, distorting reality becomes part of the "working model" eventually used in adult relationships.  Therapists Blizard and Bluhm describe it this way."

"These defenses are highly adaptive in childhood, because they permit the child to survive in an abusive family.  In adulthood the defenses become maladaptive, because they prevent the survivor from accurately perceiving the presence or absence of abuse.  By permitting the adult survivor to maintain a relationship with someone who resembles the original abuser, these defenses perpetuate the cycle of abuse."

What Patrick is writing is what I have experienced myself and what I am dealing with or witnessing of my family.  The mere fact that their lives went on pretty much uninterrupted, shows the universal bind.

He goes on to write about the crashing of the bind...or when we are no longer able to keep reality at bay.

"Sooner or later this system gathers enough momentum that a life crisis occurs. Something so bad happens that the victim can no longer simply go forward. Forgetting about the past and coping with the day is not enough.  Those who have the courage decide to change, whatever the cost; it literally takes that kind of resolve to make the change."  Patrick

What I experienced was a life crisis, while most in my family were not at the breaking point, they, it seems, had years to go...

It isn't that the affects of the abuse were not severe for them as well, but that their lives and addictions are not at the crisis point.  While it is the most terrifying and life ending feeling, it is what is needed to right yourself... to stand nose to nose with reality.

He goes on....

"The Path of Awareness"

"By reconstructing the path from the original trauma to the life crisis, we gained an important insight into recovery.  People in our study recovered in stages, and the order of their recovery was almost the reverse of how people got into their life crisis. Most had to experience some type of intervention to get out of the trauma-based system.  If they were addicted to alcohol or gambling, they had to start a recovery program around that illness.  If they were hooked into a destructive relationship, they had to do something about it. If they were dissociating, stuck in deprivation behaviors or immersed in shame, they would seek treatment for it. To start, they had to focus on the trauma solutions, identifying the immediate source of the chaos. Their recovery was akin to putting up a tent in the wind - some pegs have to go in the ground before you can anchor the tent and raise the poles."

"These early interventions create confusion about what is real.  The survivors, in beginning these intial changes, also start to accept that the rationalization and distortions they have used or believed were part of the problem. And they were confused by that. Remember, a survivor has been asked to disbelieve the obvious and accept the improbable. After the intervention, survivors are unsure of what reality really was. This created the window for the next stage - the next stage in which denial and repression break. When survivors stop using the dysfunctional solutions they have used (i.e. high-risk behavior, medicating or anesthetizing, repeating the event), they can expect that:

memories to previous abuse will return

they will have intense reactions to what they do remember

they will have an expanded understanding of what happened in the past

they will see continuing aspects of those abusive patterns now

they will know how high the cost has been

they will be very fearful of what this means for them and their lives

"After the intervention, those participating in the study asked several questions: What if this is all true? What does this mean about me? About my family? What will happen now if say this out loud? How will people react? Will it be worse if I admit the truth?  Is it safer to hide? As you've read this book, you may have asked yourself some of those same questions."

"If you understand that this fearful reaction is the beginning of grief, it helps. Whenever there is a significant loss -whether individually or collectively - the stages of human grieving are quite predictable. First, there is denial - "This cannot be true?" Then there is fear - "What if it is true?" This is followed by anger - "This is unfair." Anger is followed by the wrenching pain of loss "This hurts too much to bear." Finally, there is acceptance and an attempt to derive some meaning out of all that happened."

"There are several things that make it different for survivors. First, grief is delayed. Most grief cycles begin with a current loss, such as the death of a loved one. Survivors have not been able to acknowledge the pain that has been accumulating. It is somewhat akin to running in front of a growing avalanche for years and never being more than a few inches in front of it. When you stop, the avalanche overwhelms you. When you no longer have the cushion of trauma solutions, the pain envelops you all at once."

"Second, the intial trauma may have distorted the relationship template used as an adult. The result is that survivors have a vulnerabilty most people do not have. They often are not able to discern when someone is being exploitive or abusive toward them. This interfers with their sense of loss, their outrage and their pain."

Third, most people plunge into grief can be public about their loss.  If a loved one dies in an auto accident, there is no mystery as to why the family members hurt. But when the loss is shrouded in pledges of secrecy and in shame and betrayal, getting support wil require incredible vulnerablity: "How could I have been so foolish? So trusting and accepting?" Worse, talking about the loss means disloyalty within the abusive system.  Anger can help break the loyalty of the betrayal bond. For survivors, the typical anger at God most people in grief experience is coupled with anger toward the victimizer. This anger becomes an empowering emotion that helps to break the secrecy and dissolve the insane loyalties."

"Finally, most people grieve because the loss is painful. Survivors must add another dimension to that pain. It starts when they realize that the people who abused them were also abused. Perhaps the abuse may even go back many generations. Survivors move beyond this realization to a new level of integrity when they acknowledge that they have also abused others.  Maybe they did not do the same things, but they still victimized others.  They are part of the unbroken chain, which can be incredibly painful to admit.  We call this victimization consciousness, which means the victim understands the whole picture. She now grasps and accepts the whole complex series of relationships, solutions to trauma, and accumulated loss. With acceptance comes a new sense of peace." Patrick.

First of al,l it took me awhile to understand what he meant by "Trauma Solutions". 

Trauma solutions are what we came up with to NOT feel the pain or see/hear and sense the abuse.

So, now we have the trauma that we don't want to deal with and then the trauma solution.  

What I also understood, that I was in grief about so many things...that my life was in a complete overload between what had happened, who they truly were, and how I had built a life upon a false reality, and then who I was and what I had done.

Each small piece was enormous...and I had many on my plate.

I sense that many are believing that they ARE DEALING with the abuse of our childhood home, when in fact all they are truly doing is running inches ahead of a huge wall that will collapse at one point.  It isn't IF it will, but when it will.

All the disbelief that is directed my way, is the universal bind...I feel their distortion and insane rationalizations...which all are key points showing their abuse.

This book clearly shows the landscape and the cost of living in abuse, unaware.

 

In Abuse, Unaware.

Patrick Carnes book, "The Betrayal Bond" is like a blueprint into so many lives...to not only what happens to a life that has been abused, but its consequences or the changes their life then takes.  

He writes...(it is a long blog, but full of great information)

"Children are presented with what trauma researcher David Calof has described as the "universal bind".  Do not see, hear, sense, feel or address what is real. Instead, accept what is unreal and proscribed in the interest of your survival.  Disbelieve the obvious and accept the improbable.  The bind is that the child is presented with only two options (1) to be overwhelmed with terror and not able to function, or (2) distort reality to survive. Because of the bind, distorting reality becomes part of the "working model" eventually used in adult relationships.  Therapists Blizard and Bluhm describe it this way."

"These defenses are highly adaptive in childhood, because they permit the child to survive in an abusive family.  In adulthood the defenses become maladaptive, because they prevent the survivor from accurately perceiving the presence or absence of abuse.  By permitting the adult survivor to maintain a relationship with someone who resembles the original abuser, these defenses perpetuate the cycle of abuse."

What Patrick is writing is what I have experienced myself and what I am dealing with or witnessing of my family.  The mere fact that their lives went on pretty much uninterrupted, shows the universal bind.

He goes on to write about the crashing of the bind...or when we are no longer able to keep reality at bay.

"Sooner or later this system gathers enough momentum that a life crisis occurs. Something so bad happens that the victim can no longer simply go forward. Forgetting about the past and coping with the day is not enough.  Those who have the courage decide to change, whatever the cost; it literally takes that kind of resolve to make the change."  Patrick

What I experienced was a life crisis, while most in my family were not at the breaking point, they, it seems, had years to go...

It isn't that the affects of the abuse were not severe for them as well, but that their lives and addictions are not at the crisis point.  While it is the most terrifying and life ending feeling, it is what is needed to right yourself... to stand nose to nose with reality.

He goes on....

"The Path of Awareness"

"By reconstructing the path from the original trauma to the life crisis, we gained an important insight into recovery.  People in our study recovered in stages, and the order of their recovery was almost the reverse of how people got into their life crisis. Most had to experience some type of intervention to get out of the trauma-based system.  If they were addicted to alcohol or gambling, they had to start a recovery program around that illness.  If they were hooked into a destructive relationship, they had to do something about it. If they were dissociating, stuck in deprivation behaviors or immersed in shame, they would seek treatment for it. To start, they had to focus on the trauma solutions, identifying the immediate source of the chaos. Their recovery was akin to putting up a tent in the wind - some pegs have to go in the ground before you can anchor the tent and raise the poles."

"These early interventions create confusion about what is real.  The survivors, in beginning these intial changes, also start to accept that the rationalization and distortions they have used or believed were part of the problem. And they were confused by that. Remember, a survivor has been asked to disbelieve the obvious and accept the improbable. After the intervention, survivors are unsure of what reality really was. This created the window for the next stage - the next stage in which denial and repression break. When survivors stop using the dysfunctional solutions they have used (i.e. high-risk behavior, medicating or anesthetizing, repeating the event), they can expect that:

memories to previous abuse will return

they will have intense reactions to what they do remember

they will have an expanded understanding of what happened in the past

they will see continuing aspects of those abusive patterns now

they will know how high the cost has been

they will be very fearful of what this means for them and their lives

"After the intervention, those participating in the study asked several questions: What if this is all true? What does this mean about me? About my family? What will happen now if say this out loud? How will people react? Will it be worse if I admit the truth?  Is it safer to hide? As you've read this book, you may have asked yourself some of those same questions."

"If you understand that this fearful reaction is the beginning of grief, it helps. Whenever there is a significant loss -whether individually or collectively - the stages of human grieving are quite predictable. First, there is denial - "This cannot be true?" Then there is fear - "What if it is true?" This is followed by anger - "This is unfair." Anger is followed by the wrenching pain of loss "This hurts too much to bear." Finally, there is acceptance and an attempt to derive some meaning out of all that happened."

"There are several things that make it different for survivors. First, grief is delayed. Most grief cycles begin with a current loss, such as the death of a loved one. Survivors have not been able to acknowledge the pain that has been accumulating. It is somewhat akin to running in front of a growing avalanche for years and never being more than a few inches in front of it. When you stop, the avalanche overwhelms you. When you no longer have the cushion of trauma solutions, the pain envelops you all at once."

"Second, the intial trauma may have distorted the relationship template used as an adult. The result is that survivors have a vulnerabilty most people do not have. They often are not able to discern when someone is being exploitive or abusive toward them. This interfers with their sense of loss, their outrage and their pain."

Third, most people plunge into grief can be public about their loss.  If a loved one dies in an auto accident, there is no mystery as to why the family members hurt. But when the loss is shrouded in pledges of secrecy and in shame and betrayal, getting support wil require incredible vulnerablity: "How could I have been so foolish? So trusting and accepting?" Worse, talking about the loss means disloyalty within the abusive system.  Anger can help break the loyalty of the betrayal bond. For survivors, the typical anger at God most people in grief experience is coupled with anger toward the victimizer. This anger becomes an empowering emotion that helps to break the secrecy and dissolve the insane loyalties."

"Finally, most people grieve because the loss is painful. Survivors must add another dimension to that pain. It starts when they realize that the people who abused them were also abused. Perhaps the abuse may even go back many generations. Survivors move beyond this realization to a new level of integrity when they acknowledge that they have also abused others.  Maybe they did not do the same things, but they still victimized others.  They are part of the unbroken chain, which can be incredibly painful to admit.  We call this victimization consciousness, which means the victim understands the whole picture. She now grasps and accepts the whole complex series of relationships, solutions to trauma, and accumulated loss. With acceptance comes a new sense of peace." Patrick.

First of al,l it took me awhile to understand what he meant by "Trauma Solutions". 

Trauma solutions are what we came up with to NOT feel the pain or see/hear and sense the abuse.

So, now we have the trauma that we don't want to deal with and then the trauma solution.  

What I also understood, that I was in grief about so many things...that my life was in a complete overload between what had happened, who they truly were, and how I had built a life upon a false reality, and then who I was and what I had done.

Each small piece was enormous...and I had many on my plate.

I sense that many are believing that they ARE DEALING with the abuse of our childhood home, when in fact all they are truly doing is running inches ahead of a huge wall that will collapse at one point.  It isn't IF it will, but when it will.

All the disbelief that is directed my way, is the universal bind...I feel their distortion and insane rationalizations...which all are key points showing their abuse.

This book clearly shows the landscape and the cost of living in abuse, unaware.

I will meet you there.

While reading Martha Beck's book, "Finding Your Way in a Wild New World," she writes about her experience with learning to lead horses.  I felt immediately that this is the same technique great leaders use.

"Horseplay and the Technology of Oneness"

"If I wanted to, I could see the little palomino by looking at the top of my own shoulder, picking her up in my peripheral vision. But instea I just let my eyes drink in the scenery: the rolling California hills, dappled light falling through the clouds, a truck parked nearby. Everything, including the truck seems equally beautiful and equally alive.  At this moment the palomino is neither more or less important to me than the sky."

"To say that I haven't spent my entire afternoon in this state of serene detachment is like saying that the Three Stooges were not neurosurgeons. For what feels like hours, I've been pursuing a herd of two-year old colts in weird slow motion.  I amble up to them in arcs. They wait until I get close then nervously move to a different part of the field, whereupon I doggedly start amble-arcing toward them again.  My instructors have told me that striding up to them in a straight line could scare them off for good.  My goal is to serpentine, calmly but relentlessly."

"Amble, Arc. Arc, amble."

"Oops. There they go again."

"I keep thinking of that joke about the turtle who's mugged by two snails and later tells the police, "I am sorry, I can't remember much.  It all happened so fast!" Perhaps it was unwise to relinquish my afternoon and good sense to the renowed horse whisperer Monty Roberts and his protege, Koell Simpson. I've just met both of them (never suspecting that I'll later spend some of the best days of my life watching Koell "whisper" zebras and elephants).  Monty kindly invited me to his farm after I mentioned his horse training method in a magazine article.  He and Koell have brought me out here to this lush pasture and are now standing by the fence calling instructions and encouragement."

"Keep arcing!" they say. "A little faster - no not that fast! Watch out for - well, that's okay.  Manure is easy to slip in.  Don't worry, they haven't gone far. Just get up and start over."

"My ears burn with shame.  Theoretically I'm learning to behave like a strong, determined horse leader, mimicking the gestures, positioning, and energy of a "matriarch mare." (Horse herds are led by experienced females, while the stallions bring up the rear, defending against predators and competing sperm donors.) Monty told me to focus my attention on the little palimino. If I approach her with just the right actions and attitude, she'll follow me of her own free will.  I've seen Monty and Koell do this with other horses. I believe it will work. But for me, learning horse communication is like trying to yodel in Latvain while undergoing dental surgery."

"Don't worry!" shouts Koell as the herd bolts yet again.  "You doing great!"

"Amble, amble, arc, arc, amble, amble, arc, arc. Buh-bye now."

"Why the damn palomino, anyway?  She's the jitteriest, least approachable horse in the herd.  They're domestic-born but not yet trained, and to me the palomino seems almost wild.  After an eternity of watching me amble, some of the other colts are so bored with me that I can walk right in between them, gently pushing them aside with my hands. But just when I get within arm's length of the palimino..."

"That's okay!" Monty says as the filly tosses her head and runs off accompanied by the entire herd. "Keep trying! You've almost got it!"

"Yeah, I wish."

"But then, about fifteen minutes later, by George, I get it."

"Maybe I'm so tired I slipped into Wordlessness, though this is before I've learned to value this state.  Maybe there's something in human DNA that clicks into equine communication during emergencies. ("A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!) All I know is that one moment the notion of the herd seems chaotic and random, and the next, everything is meaningful.  I don't need Monty and Koell to tell me why I'm ambling in arcs; I just feel that the horses like it better than the straight line approach."

"A subtle but absolutely clear awareness diffuses through my internal world, like dye coloring a glass of water.  It saturates my body, then flows beyond me to the palomino.  The moment it touches her, I know she'll let me touch her too. I arc up to her, hold out my hand, see her skin shudder, gently move away, move in again.  We both draw in a breath, exhale in unison. I lay my hand on her neck, brush off some dust and hay, scratch along the line of her mane. Then I arc away, walk a few yards and stop."

"No need to think."

"The California hills, the clouds, the light, the truck. Everything beautiful. Everything equal."

"I don't look behind me because I didn't need to; the palomino has already told me she's coming.  The stream of communication connecting us feels as real to me as a signed contract. So I expect to hear the little horse's footsteps drawing near.  Instead, confusingly, there's a strange rustling sound, like a cottonwood tree in the wind or a church congregation shifting in a quiet chapel."

"I feel a puff of warm, moist air on my right shoulder, and then, a moment later, the palomino's velvet nose. She's accepted me as a leader. She stands behind me radiating that sweet blend of power, guilelessness, humility, and trust that is particular to horses.  My eyes fill with tears. Though I've seen "join-ups" like this before, the moment is a miracle.  I can't imagine feeling anything quite so magical ever again."

"Until I feel a second nose, a second puff of warmth, this time in the center of my back. And then a third, on my left upper arm."

"Confused, I look at my shoulder to see, peripherally, what's going on behind me. (Turning and staring would tell the hourse to run) A warm buzz runs through my body and the hair prickles on my arms as I understand what that rustling noise was; not four hooves walking up to me, but sixty-four. The palomino is the matriarch mare of the herd. When she accepted me, so did all the others."

"I walk forward.  An entire herd of horses , of their own free will, walks with me.  I turn left. They turn left. I circle right. So do they.  I stop. They stop. That sweet horse energy fills my body so completely I seem to be seeing through their huge soft eyes, hearing through their fuzzy ears. The loveliness of the day blends seemlessly with their consciousness. There are infinite wonders out here in this pasture; the herd, the horse whisperers, the truck, every mouse and mosquito living in the grass, me."

"And there is only One."  Martha Beck

What I love about using this as a metaphor for being a mom, is that we truly have to be one with our children and let them move towards us.  Not to be demanding or bending their will.  To do what we do as a strong leader and let them decide if it something they want to be part of.

It is very hard, when you do have a child like the willful palomino who isn't easily swayed. It is then, you have to remain doing what you do, most steadfast.

The way the leader Arcs and Ambles is so perfect...and it leaves us open to do be authentically our self.  If my children some day stand behind me...it will be of their own free will.

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done is to let them make their own choices, especially knowing my history and theirs. To 'allow' them to move in and around people I have separated from.  Knowing, they could find a leader (a lifestyle) there and turn their backs on me. It is a gamble I had no choice in making.

Meanwhile, I amble, arc...arc and amble, slip in messes and get back up.  I arc and amble. My goal is to serpentine, calmly but relentlessly...

Relentessly I have down, calmly is where I slip up.  

What I keep forgetting to remember is the faith that it is out of my hands. The join up is not up to me, but up to them.  It is their free will to be with me or not.  

My join up is out of the ordinary circles of whence I came.  I am in a whole new pasture...in a field beyond the right and wrong doing....I will meet you there. (Rumi)

My Little Girl Inside.

The book, "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes is full of insightful passages into the dynamics and intricacies in the journey of abuse.  Incredible in the trajectory of our lives, by our bond with our abuser.

A bond that isn't consciously formed or even visible...yet its magnetic force field lives our lives for us...like an addict, we are drawn.

While I know I have witnessed the insane attraction; it leaves me breathless in the way it was constructed...and how we appear powerless and hopeless as we dance bonded to the one who betrayed us.

What I failed to appreciate was the addictive aspects AND the strength of the bond...even though I have felt its strength not only in myself but in others.

It appears to be a lightly made choice to be loyal to a family member, while masquerading as their drug of choice.

What I had felt and even tried to articulate was that my drug was my family.  It seemed like a complete juxtaposition, but my wellness depended upon me breaking that bond.

A bond that was formed and created from the toxic combination of kindness and abuse.

I have more respect for a married man to ask a woman (not his wife) for a date, rather than to groom and smoothly subtly court himself into an affair.  For clearly the woman would be aghast to be asked out by a married man....but, a 'friendship' that is slowly brewed is not so easily detected as the dance of a courtship with a married man.  His 'kindness' has an agenda...which is the mask that hides his betrayal.

The bond that is created is laced with kindness while injected with abuse.

The betrayal is when the 'kindness' isn't what it is was set out to be...

The grooming and courtship that most abusers put out first is the bond...a bond of trust, faith and love...and it is made to withstand the abuse.  They not only rely and depend upon it, but will shame you for pointing out their 'faults'...when there is so much more 'kindness' than the one small infraction.

Just as my father's supporters rallied and presented his hardworking ways, his never asking for anything for himself, for supporting financially his 14 children by clothing and feeding us.  Failing to bring in the cost of his abuse towards his daughters and the consequences for all who lived in his home.

The bond isn't that that abuse is laced with kindness, but rather the opposite. There first is formed a kindness that appears to be solid gold...and then a small speck of abuse is added.  

What most will fail to bring into their awareness IS that this kindness and trust gathering, confidence building, faithful courtship HAS to be in place first...in order for their abuse to happen.

Abusers are the master manipulators in setting us up. Setting things up.  Working the landscape for their benefit.  It isn't about us, but themselves.

There was one key question I thought, well actually many in this book, but one that stood out.  Who would it affect most and how, if you broke off the relationship?

Isn't that an interesting question?

Especially when you look at the toll it has taken on your life.

How would your life be better without this relationship...?

Looking back at my life, I can clearly see the cost it had on my life to remain in a relationship with my father and my mother...as well as many of my siblings.

What wasn't so clear to me was the betrayal bonds that I had and how they were like addictions and how hard it was to break free of them and be in peace, love and joy.

The inability to be free... was the huge key in knowing I was bonded.

Here are a few signs he writes about whether trauma bonds exist in your life.

"when you obsess abut people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to)

when you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain

when you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you

when you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive

when you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you

when you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable

when you ae unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships

when you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care

when you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away

when you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen

when you are loyal to people who have betrayed you

when you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse

when you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility

He also goes on to write....

"Trauma Bonds as Addictive"

"How do trauma bonds become addictive?  The answer is in the same way other addictions work.  The criteria for addiction are the following."

1. Compulsivity: loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or continue a behavior

2. Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences such as loss of health, job, marriage, or freedom

3. Obsession with the behavior

What I didn't know, is that being in relationships with those who abused you was an addiction itself.  I however, felt the pull and hardship as I exited the relationships.

It was like a withdrawl from a very strong substance, AND like an alcoholic, I wasn't allowed one little sip or taste and I felt it would have me falling off the wagon.  

I quit smoking over 23 year years ago, and in that time I have not put a cigarette to my lips nor take even one drag....for that is all it would take to have me bonded to the butts again.

I feel the same way about the engagement with my abusive family...

Just as I understood the harmful consequences of smoking, I also now know the abject impact those relationships would have on my life.

And, the cost is just way too high.

What I would lose the most is my inner sense of peace, love and joy for my self, my soul and my essence.  I would betray the very soul of me.

Knowing this keeps me away.

I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me to be once again pulled into the tangled web of abuse laced with kindness.  What a deadly combination.

You want the kindness...but it comes trailing abuse.

I had said in the very early days of finding out my father was a pedophile, of knowing it to the depth of my being....to pick one. The father or the pedophile.

The kindness or the abuse.

What I would say, is that it is a pretend kindness for running unchecked and out of control is the call of abuse, the desire and addiction to take what he wants without regard to the cost it will leave behind on the victim.

A married man doesn't see his wife, his kids or even the woman he is cheating with, all he sees is himself.  A pedophile doesn't see beyond his tortured desires. 

I was the complete opposite of these two....I didn't see my own needs.

Again, the questions "Who will suffer the most when the relationship ends?"

Surely not the person who is being hurt the most...but rather the one who gained the most at its inception.

While it appeared that I lost a lot by leaving so many relationships behind, I was actually gaining one that I had never even seen.  My relationship with me.

Martha Beck in her book "Finding Your Way In A Wild New World" writes about how we have each have a purpose for our lives and all things will serve that purpose.

In the past, my purpose was to please my abusers....to perhaps promote and contribute to their lives and happiness, while disregarding mine.  I was a people pleaser without a core value to call my own.

I also recall very early on putting out a decree "I will go forth with Love, Peace and Joy".

In all my choices from that moment on had to feel right by me.

They had to match those feelings inside of me.  If, I felt at all twitchy or anxious, that was the wrong choice FOR me.

That is how the bond was broken.  I made a bond with my spirit; my little girl inside.

Snow Ball Trees!

I have been noticing these snowball trees.  I don't remember ever seeing such a sight.  They have a whimsy comical feeling to them.

These were taken on the Niemi Road.

I had wanted to take pictures a few days ago, but no camera....

I was hoping they snowball trees would not disappear before I had a chance to photograph them.

They have made me smile for many afternoons....about half way through my route!

Love the Snow Ball!

Right Brain Types

I picked up Daniel H. Pink's book, "Drive" at the Library and just began reading it. How interesting it is to see how our "drive".  What drives us and what sustains us and how it is now evolving out of the old paradigm.

Under the heading, "How we do what we do", he writes.

"Begin with complexity. Behavioral scientists often divide what we do on the job or learn in school into two categories: "algorithmic" and "heuristic".  An algorithmic task is one in which you follow a set of established instructions down a single pathway to one conclusion. That is, there's an algorithm for solving it.  A heuristic task is the opposite. Precisely because no algorithm exists for it, you have to experiment with possibilities and devise a novel solution. Working as a grocery checkout clerk is mostly algorithmic. You do pretty much the same thing over and over in a certain way.  Creating an ad campaign is mostly heuristic.  You have to come up with something new."

"During the twentieth century, most work was algorithmic - and not just jobs where you turned the same screw the same way all day long. Even when we traded blue collars for white, the tasks we carried out were often routine.  That is, we could reduce much of what we did, in accounting, law, computer programming, and other fields - to a script, a spec sheet, a formula, or a series of steps that produced a right answer.  But today, in much of North America, Western Europe, Japan, South Korea, and Austrailia, routine white collar work is disappearing. It's racing off shore to wherever it can be done the cheapest. In India, Bulgaria, the Phillipines, and other countries, lower-paid workers essencially run the algorithm, figure out the correct answer and deliver it instantaneously from their computer to someone six thousand miles away."

"But offshoring is just one pressure on rule-based, left-brain work. Just as oxen and then forklifts replaced simple physical labor, computers are replacing simple intellectual labor. So, while outsourcing is just beginning to pick up speed, software can already preform many rule-based, professional functions better, more quickly, and more cheaply than we can.  That means that your cousin the CPA, if he's doing mostly routine work, faces competition not just from five-hundred-dollar-a-month accountants in Manila, but from tax preparation programs anyone can download for thirty dollars.  The consulting firm McKinsey & Co. estimate that in the United States, only 30 percent of job growth now comes from algorithmic work, while 70 percent comes from heuristic work.  A key reason: Routine work can be outsourced or automated; artisitic, empathetic, nonroutine work generally cannot."

"The implications for motivation are vast.  Researches such as Harvard Business School's Teresa Amabile have found that external rewards and punishments -both carrots and sticks- can work nicely for algorithmic tasks. But they can be devastatingfor heuristic ones. Those sort of challenges - solving novel problems or creating something the world didn't know it was mising - depends heavily on Harlow's third drive. Anabile calls it the intrinsic motivation principle of creativity, which holds in part: "Intrinsic motivation is conducive to creativity; controlling extrinsic motivation is detrimental to creativity."  In other words, the central tenents of Motivation 2.0 may actually impair performance of the heuristic, right-brain work on which moder economics depends."

"Partly because work has become more creative and less routine, it has also become more enjoyable. That too scrambles Motivation 2.0 assumptions. This operating system rests on the belief that work is not inherently enjoyable - which is precisely why w must coax people with external rewards and threaten them with outside punishment.  One unexpected finding of the psychologists Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, whom we'll encounter in Chapter 5, is that people are much more likely  to report having "optimal experiences" on the job during leisure.  But if work is inherently enjoyable for more and more people, then the external inducements at the heart of Motivation 2.0 become less necessary.  Worse, as Deci began discovering forty years ago, adding certain kinds of extrinsic rewards on top of inherently interesting tasks can often dampen motivation and diminish performance." Daniel Pink.

What I am learning is that the old modality for controlling folks will not work with the new 'work' model which is actually doing what you love to do. 

I also like that 70% of the new jobs in the US, are coming from Right Brain types.

Reconnected with my Soul.

I wondered about knowing your own self worth...is it possible to be full of great wisdom, love, compassion, caring, etc and not know it?  Can a person really not see themselves and their gifts?  Where does self worth come from and how is it so easily overlooked?

What is self worth?  Is it to see your self with your own eyes and can you do this objectively, or is there a flimy residue of past neglect covering you up?

I have read that children see themselves through their parent's eyes....(in Alice Miller's books). That how our mother's look at us, is how we learn to see ourselves.

Is that true?

But, I also have witnessed people who were abused, and how they see themselves as only valuable when they are 'in use' by others. That they themselves have very little use for themselves in their own life. Their value lies strictly in how much other people need them.

So, if you come from a very self absorbed mother who didn't see you, you will not see your self either.  And, if your father abused you, HE seen you as his desire...not yours.

I just wonder when or how we get to our own view of self?

What has to happen before we can see our own self worth?

I guess for me, it was when I could clearly see I wasn't seen.

I felt completely worthless in their eyes.

I was reduced to nothing.

I then had to re-build myself.

My sense of self worth was an inside job and often times I was rediculed by others, and hollered at for choices I made while creating a self that was worth something.

Even today, this self I now have, isn't always accepted or appreciated or even liked, by others, let alone understood, but inside, the way I see me...I like me.  I love my strength and convictions, my knowings and my feelings.  I am a peace with who I am.  I feel worthy, being me.

My old view was with my mother's eyes and my worth, was how I was used...and I discovered I was solely used by her to keep her story going, to keep her 'family' together, to keep abuse far and wide from our lives, while abuse worked behind the scenes stealing the worth of each and every child.

My mother had wrote about me, "Picking up the stragglers" in our family....like my task was to make things 'right' after the damage was done, to fix things, to make them okay again.  And, if I failed, I wasn't giving enough, trying hard enough, doing enough.

I recall one night laying in my bed and feeling the enormity of their (my parent's) damage, how it not only affect our lives, but our childrens lives.  How it was so far beyond my reach of fixing...sobbing, shaking to the point of losing it, I let it all go.

Let go of my responsibility for fixing the mess I did not create.

I disappeared...for I was shown how helpless I really was...without a use. 

Not only was I abused, but I wasn't going to be able to fix anyone...

Abuse's insidious energy had completely overwhelmed our family....leaving behind worthless feelings, rising against guilt and shame.  And yet, they (siblings) rallied on, working to make their family right by not seeing yet again...or seeing it through my mother's eyes.

The cycle completes itself.  Children who are not seen, will not see their children.

Children who are not seen have no value...unless they are fixing their parents lives.

This spinning hurricane of worthlessness not stopping...just seemingly to gain more energy as they worked to keep our family 'right'.

While they were busy shoring up my father's/mother's life, they neglected to see, yet again, their own.

Their sense of self worth is extracted by what they do for others...never minding at what cost to themselves.

My journey could be classified with this quote,  "The path into light seems dark, the path forward seems indirect, the direct path seems long...the greatest love seems indifferent, the greatest wisdom seems childish."

Is the journey recovering your own self worth?

Who is responsible for it?

Where will you find it?

How will you know it?

When I seen my worth in my mother's eyes, I knew how empty I was...I had done very little for me.

I have spent the last 8 years filling up my self.

For, if your only value is outside of yourself, you can only see you in their eyes.  It will be impossible to see your self, for you eyes are always turned outward to find your worth.

My own eyes could not see me.  I only judged me by how others reacted or needed me.  They owned me and gave me value.

And, coming from dysfunction or abuse or co-dependent living, you will have to disappoint and become value less in their eyes in order to regain your worth.

"If I gained the world...but, lost the Savior..." comes to mind.  I reconnected with my Soul.

Living Truth

"We owe the truth, not just the facts. I’m celebrating my 84th year on this planet. I’ve seen many things. I’ve learned many things. I’ve certainly been exposed to many things and I’ve learned something: I owe it to you, to tell you."        Maya Angelou

When do we owe it to the other person to tell the truth?  Does this change from person to person? Are some more worthy than others?  Does it depend upon the relationship?  Who decides when you give up all your truth or just a portion?

I love the sentiment that I owe it to you.  That it is up to me to give you all of me...and that it is my responsibility, not yours.  Our relationship's value depends upon how much I give...or how much I withhold.

Martha Beck writes about truth in her book, "Finding Your Way in a Wild New World."

"One of the most consistent themes among all human wisdom traditions is the teaching "The truth shall set you free."  But Westerners tend to believe that the truth is a mental or verbal story, a set of facts laid out in words. Eastern wayfinders and many other indigenous cultures, on the other hand, go to great lengths reminding students that "the finger that points to the moon is not the moon," that words are merely the vehicle to carry us toward the experience of truth. The words themselves are not truth. They are the product of a dualistic mind-set that's necessary for language but meaningless in the nondualist Everywhen. Truth itself is something you live, not something you think." 

I totally get this.  The truth cannot be hidden or changed or erased with words, but that words no matter how sweetly spoken are nothing compared to movement...truth flows from how we live, not what we say.

Truth is something we live, not what we think.  It isn't a thought in your head that can be changed and manipulated.

In my old religion, the tactic of the forgiveness of sins, was to change the thoughts in your head, but it had zero impact on the truth...No amount of forgiveness (words) will change what has happened, ever...no matter how strongly you believe and have faith, nothing can un-ring a bell or undo what has been done.

Martha Beck's definition of forgiveness is, giving up all hope that the past could have been any different.  This is what I have faith in...accepting what is. It now seems incredibly mental, but not in a way of being mentally challenged, but that the FALC was built upon and stands upon the very thing that is impossible to do; changing reality.

They depend upon this like it is their life blood, their path to heaven is paved with the sentiment of forgiveness of sins.  Funny, they never try and erase or delete happy loving movements, only the ones that are not kind and hurtful.

The juxtaposition between my old definition of forgiveness, wiping away movement, actions and words, and my new one, "Giving up all hope of changing the past"....leave me in a world where I am at peace, no matter what happens.  For what happens is living truth.

"No matter how difficult and painful it may be, nothing sounds as good to the soul as the truth."  Martha Beck

What Possibilities?

"Neuroscientists have found that this "edge of impossibility" is when the brain produces its maximum doses of feel-good hormones like dopamine.  It's where we find what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi famously labeled "flow", and where Ellen Langer found the intensely restorative, age-reversing quality of "mindfulness." It pushes us to such intense concentration that we enter the present moment, put down thought, and enter Wordlessness..."  Martha Beck in "Finding Your Way in a Wild New World."

How often do you live on the edge of impossibilities...where you attempt the impossible? Where you leave the wide space of possible to venture near the impossible?

I sat down or was pushed to the edge of impossible by the sheer force of becoming aware that what I had thought was a possibly okay life, was actually a massive legacy of abuse...with nowhere to go; I was shoved to the shores of impossible.

I could no longer live in my old life, for it wasn't possible to be okay with what was littered all about, NOR did I feel comfortable or confident on the edge of impossible.

Impossible loomed like a huge slippery unknown mountain...and I, in-between it and my dysfunctional past.  I knew there was nothing I could do in my past, nothing I could change or correct...and yet I knew nothing about doing the impossible either....and yet I had.

I had for 46 years built a 'normal life' out of dysfunction.  I made fathers from pedophiles, and mothers from an ostrich, I was actually quite creative in my mind...but, this new edge of impossibilities was to create me out of my past.

A Me that seemed impossible to define....and yet I knew I wasn't defined by my past...and yet I was made up of it.

It was thrilling, exciting and deafening terrifying.  To leave all you have ever known to head into all that is unknown. To tear down who you were to become who you are.

Inside me was this alive wiggly alert growing self...who was curious to know who it was...for the false me was built out of abuse...I was just a newer version of an old pattern...but not uniquely me.

Me?

who was I really?

My brother spoke of the sentiment of "What's the Use..." 

It is often a feeling of hopelessness or giving up, of not caring.  And, I would say, that we are forced to give up and be in this hopeless not caring state in abuse. We can't care, for it is futile.  So, we learn to live with those feelings humming along.

And, even make this what's the use state our 'natural' state of being.

We feel 'useful' when we are being used....and when not, 'tossed aside and useless'...sadly our self worth grows the more we are used.

If you then take the statement "What is the Use" and turn it into an empowering statement, it can be seen as what is the use for me.  How can I serve or be of use to the Universe? What are my gifts?  How can I use me?

Flipping this switch from being used....to using can take years in the making.

It is to switch completely inside out. To live your life from the insides...what you want and desire, compared to being wanted and desired.

You will go from living behind other people's ideas of you to start living your ideas of you.

It forces you to live in on the edge of impossibilities and dreams.

For, no one is ahead of you telling you what to do, you are having to dream up your life.  You are no longer following the pattern set by your parents, your church, your abuser, but you will become the fashioner of your life.

You are the art and the artist...without a pattern to follow.

You are the edge of impossibilities.

It is wildly liberating and extremely daunting to know you are the only one who is leading your life.  No one to blame, no one to hold responsible for the choices you are making, you are living beyond the pattern in the wide open space of pure potential.

Or as Rumi said, "Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there."

Coming from the structure of abuse, where we are used and it is not an option to have our ideas and our desires met, we learn to live the life of being used...and when we leave there, we don't know our own use. "What's the Use?"

I guess that is the second question...behind, who am I?

What is my use?

Oprah has sent up a prayer each day saying "use me" to God.

Imagine being used by the Universe....what possibilities?