IMPERFECT Lady

Culture of their Worlds

In writing a letter to the woman of the OLAC, I completely see how we see things differently and yet 'right' from our own points of view.  It isn't that she sees it wrongly, but how right it seems shining through the lens of faith.  

I didn't get this.

I couldn't see how it was to not see, except through the beliefs of faith.

She can no more see what I see than I can now pretend to pretend the rightness of her religion or my old one.

It left us with no common ground...at least that I can see.

In reading the book, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, she writes about culture...

"The way we do things around here," or culture, is complex.  In my experience, I can tell a lot about the culture and values of a group, family, or organization by asking ten questions."

1. What behaviors are rewarded? Punished?

2. Where and how are people actually spending their resources (time, money, attention)?

3. What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored?

4. Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel and asking for what they need?

5. What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up?

6. What stories are legend and what values do they convey?

7. What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes a mistake?

8. How is vulnerability (uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure) perceived?

9. How prevalent are shame and blame and how are they showing up?

10. What's the collective tolerance for discomfort? Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized, or is there a high premium put on comfort (and how does that look)?

"In each of the following sections I'll talk about how these play out in our lives and what specifically I look for, but first I want to talk about where this line of questioning leads us."

"As someone who studies culture as a whole, I think the power of these questions is their ability to shed light on the darkest areas of our lives: disconnection, disengagement and our struggle for worthiness. Not only do these questions help us understand the culture, they surface the discrepancies between "what we say" and "what we do," or between the values we espouse and the values we practice.  My dear friend Charles Kiley use the term "aspirational values" to describe the elusive list of values that reside in our best intentions, on the wall of our cubical, at the heart of our parenting lectures, or in our companies vision statement. If we want to isolate the problems and develop transformation strategies, we have to hold our aspirational values up against what I call our practiced values - how we actually live, feel, behave and think. Are we willing to walk our talk? Answering this can get very uncomfortable."  Brene

What I see as the culture of the church....whether it be the FALC or the OLAC, is how they have aspirational goals but the practiced values are far off the mark.

How curious it would be to see what the culture of our families are by how we act and not by what we aspire to....

I can viserally feel the culture of the church and the lack of morals and values they aspire to, just in the way their words are not met with actions.

What would the churches answers be to the ten questions above?  What is the culture of the families?

Will the culture show the discrepancies between what they say and what they do?

It is the discrepancy that I have issues with... words and actions are not matching.

It is hard for me to be with folks whose words and actions don't match....

I used to give them the benefit of the doubt when their words sounded kinder and with morals and values, even if their walks were way off...now, I go by actions alone.

Describing what they are doing will show you the culture of their worlds.

 

Your lies.

From "Hunger", by Dr. Robin Smith

Now, Face It - And Feel It

"I had to face what I had learned. The old debilitating message from my childhood was ringing in my ears: "If you can't fix it, don't feel it."  I had to learn to feel, face, and embrace many things I couldn't fix, the many hungers that made me ache.  I had to get out of my head (where judgments were fixed) and into my heart.  I had to feel what I had been afraid to face.  I had to feel how hungry I was for a straight answer from those I loved or worked with. I had to move on, through a morass of things that didn't make sense. And so many times they didn't make sense! I thought about the time when I was supposedly loved and cherished by someone, but then was not the woman he chose. How subsequently I believed that I had misunderstood and misread the relationship, and that I had wanted too much. I thought about the time I was at the top of my game, with ratings reaching towards the sky, and then the phone stopped ringing. I thought about the times I tried to ask my mother, or my father from the grave, "What's up with this? Why is nobody talking about our real situation." I thought about the times when everyone went silent and politely looked at me, hoping I would stop naming what was real."

"Fortunately, this only made me hungrier for the truth"  Dr. Robin

This was my unknown craving while living in denial, the background noise in all conversations and interactions, while me, myself, and I, lived a lie...I was dying for the truth, craving reality and terrified of it at the same time. 

I would not have been able to articulate what I needed, but I seriously was uneasy and watchful...waiting.  Waiting for the truth to arrive and fearful for the truth to arrive.

Looking back, I chose or was forced to be uneasy in order to preserve another's peace.  This left me lonely and thirsty.  

I would have said I was lonely for love and attention, but I am now fairly certain, I was hungry for me; my truth.

The way the past 8 years have lived itself out, is a complete and totaly living example of why I was forced to not feed myself the truth; I would have been openly attacked for it.

I was living a life that was completely against myself, like an auto-immune disease, where my lack of being truthful was completely killing me...and yet, to live my truth would kill the life I had.

Very little remains of my old life or my old self...I no longer am willing to starve myself of the truth for the comfort and peace of others, my truth is no longer for sale.

What I believe I crave, desire and thirst for in all my relationships is the truth.

It matters not what the truth is, I want it.

I am not interested in, nor can I support and stand behind a false life.

When I was living a false life, I wanted other false lives around me.  I felt comfort in their surface living.

Dr. Robin writes about the road out of hunger...

"The road out of hunger is not the same as the road in.  That's self-evident.  You can't get fuller by starving more.  Someone once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, and that's the case for those who try to heal by burrowing deeper into their nothingness.  I've experiened this when I'm hiking in the woods and I decide to explore a new path.  When it's time to go home it becomes clear to me that the way I entered the woods is not how I'm going to find my way out. It would be a waste of time and almost impossible to retrace my steps. I have to search and find a new route."

"On many occasions I have heard people who are struggling in their relationships promise to "try harder." And I ask them, "Try harder at what?" They don't understand that trying harder is often another form of sabotage. Usually, when someone says they're going to try harder at a relationship, it means their partner is exerting control and passing judgment.  The one who is working so hard is living in fear of not being able to satisfy the demands of the other: that they will never be able to make things right or be good enough."

"Relationship isn't the military; we are not soldiers in combat. It may sometimes feel like combat, but the enemy is within. We're fighting against our authentic hunger - for real love, real joy, real connection, real passion, genuine respect, and someone who listens to us and cares about our heart.  Military troops I have spoken with say that soldiers get a bad rap. They are expected to be tough, without fear and feelings. It's not a question of whether soldiers cry, experience fear and hurt; it's that they try and contain, mask and swallow their grief until they can find a safe place to let it out."

"A wise person once said that "love without boundaries makes victims." That's right on the money.  It should be a bumper sticker on all of our cars. Without boundaries, it is impossible for anyone to be a good partner, a good parent, a good friend, a good colleague, a good sibling, a good son or daughter, a good citizen of the world.  If you show up as a victim, you are inviting others to victimize you. If you're a victim this way - where your basic needs for love, respect, being cherished, being included, or sharing money - are not being honored, than you are helping to create more hunger."  Dr. Robin

What her book is showing me so far is that we are all hungry for our own truth, but often feel we will be attacked and rejected for it.  And, I guess it all depends upon the relationships you have today. 

More importantly, the relationships you have today are the truth.

They will tell you how truthful you are with your Self.

They are a complete and working model of how you truthful you are with yourself; they are a live living scale that measures your authenticity...or your lies.

Wholehearted Children

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto - by Brene Brown

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable.

You will learn this from my words and actions - the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy everytime you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and amends, by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you.  Truly, deeply, seeing you.  Brene

Somehow being a parent seems to put us in a vise of having to be perfect, of never showing our errors to our children, of also believing if they do all things right, than we are doing it right.

When, I believe, that the more imperfectly you display yourself and the more vulnerable and real you are, the more permission you grant your children to embrace and love their whole self.

Whole self isn't about being perfect...it is about bring all of you forward.  Not just the pretty spots or the ones that 'show' you in the best light, but displaying your wounds too.

And, we do all this by living our lives fully exposed.

I used to think that children needed a perfect parent model to follow, but now I believe what we need most is one who is transparent, vulnerable, open and without secrets.

Expecting perfect children is to raise children who will live in shame; hiding everything that is not perfect.

I want my children to feel that they are allowed to make mistakes, to try and fail and to try again, to feel the agony of pain and the profound sense of joy....

I do not want perfect children.

I want wholehearted children.

Spring Gala Quilt 2013

I had the day off and my intention was to play with fabric to create a quilt for the Spring Gala for Dial-Help.  I worked with a few different poses, and came up with this....

She will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.  

I still have to do the machine quilting and add the finishing touches, but....this as far as I know, this will be My Lady...

Some of the fabric is my hand-dyed....I ordered the water fabric online and was pleased with it for water...

I love the design in the border and may add some more geometric designs....it is fun to add surprises to the borders...

Abuse and the FALC.

The newspaper headlines speak of two more alleged rapes...two more victims whose lives are forever changed, 'allegedly'...who will remain guilty of asserting and professing being raped by this young man, while he remains innocent, until they prove him guilty.

He a promising athlete, from a family within the FALC, who allegedly raped these two women...his two worlds don't match, or do they?  

Is it possible that his model of power has been completely skewed and these woman are just outlets for him to gain power?

Andrew Vachss wrote that Rape is a method of enforcing domination and a program to enslave the vulnerable.  He wasn't picking on someone his own size or gender, but on those who are weaker than he...

Knowing that rape isn't about sex, but it is about power, you have to look at his power models.

Looking upon the power structure within the church and within families of this church, it is not hard to see how skewed this model is.

You have leaders/preachers/elders/parents who also dominate the vulnerable, who enslave their minds, bodies and actions by how they dictate their lives.

I know many will believe I have gone beneath the deep end now, but if rape is about power and not sex, then where did he learn this behavior, that being a powerful man is to dominate, enslave and force others?

Who were his male role models and how did they act towards women or those much more vulnerable than them?  How are the women and children treated in this religion?

If you look upon how children (vulnerable) are dominated by the beliefs of their parents to the point of being shunned if they don't capitulate, it is not a stretch to see his model.  They (children) give up their bodies and lives in order to fit into their parents religion, until they are powerless and the parents and church powerful.

I see his behavior as completely making sense coming from whence he came.

It would be more shocking to not have these young men acting out than it is to have them overpowering the weak to gain power.

When we focus on the sexual act with rape, we lose the core purpose or tool of rape; power.

Unless and until you have experienced the powerless feelings of the church, you can't imagine how little self power you have.  And, when you see how powerful the men are in how they control our bodies and lives, you will see that the volume of sexual assualts within the church match the models of power vs powerless.

Even the woman I spoke to of the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, wondered how come there was so much sexual abuse....she and other women of the church pondered this, as they stand in dresses, grey hair, bearing baby upon baby, voiceless and choiceless....powerless.  And, they wonder about the power assaults upon them...as they stand powerless.

Do the men of the church ponder this 'problem' of assaults?  Are the board members and preachers huddling and collectively trying to figure out how to stop this massive bleeding of innocent lives?

Do you hear the men of these churches fighting to give power to their children and wives?  Do you see them fighting for equal rights and self expression?  Are there commitees formed for self empowerment?  Are there classes beyond Bible class...such as ways to get out of abusive relationships and families?

Am I the only one who is not shocked by the sheer numbers of abusers, but horrified and completely overwhelmed, by how many victims EACH of these men have dominated by using sex for power?

I see too much....

I see the perfect environment for evil to flourish...

I see apathy and denial and defense towards a church of high morals and high values...while their children are in the headlines for allegedly raping.

Will I see women start to rise and cry out for such horrific treatment of those two young women?

When will the women of these churches start to get restless?  What will it take to make them rise?  How can you see your son and brother and friend act out this way and not question, something?

The headline affirmed what I know and have been writing about endlessly; abuse and the FALC.

 

How can we Stop it?

"Rape is a crime even more horrifying than it first appears, because it is so commonly deployed as a tool for legalized/legitimized torture. Rape is a method of enforcing domination in the abuse of children. Rape is a campaign of tribal vengeance when used as a “weapon of war.” Rape may be religiously sanctioned, as in “honor rape.” Rape is a program to enslave the vulnerable — from the dragooning of “comfort women” to the pimps at every bus terminal awaiting the arrival of runaways. Rape is a pretext to reinforce racial oppression, such as the trials of the Scottsboro boys ... it has always been a major force for evil, and will never stop until *we* stop it." Andrew Vachss an attorney whose clients are only children.

How can we stop it?

Stand Against Abuse.

This Shame being the fear of being disconnected, changes the whole game about how I will look upon abuse and how silence is the unmoveable wall of stone, that I can't seem to move....it isn't about sharing evil deeds, IT is about being popular, liked....period.

The reason 'good' people are doing nothing is much more personable than I thought, and even not ignorance or 'against their religion', the key is they don't want to be rejected, they don't want to stand out, they want to fit in.

This almost makes it more aggregeous to me...that their social and family status matters more, than doing what is right for a child in danger.

Not only does it sicken me that their popularity is the only thing they risk, while the child then is sentenced to a life of disconnection.

They are then no longer lovingly attached to their family...or reality, for the 'good' knowing adults will do any number of pretending to have a father and not a pedophile, and their excuses are all so that they can remain popular.

Imagine?

I see the ramifications of this to be so shallow for the content and severity of abuse.

As a child sees their parent's fear of making waves within the family and church...they have to disconnect in order to survive.

I had to let go of my truth to appease my mother so she could keep her tribe membership of good standing.

I can't know if you all can grasp the enormity of this....that it isn't a game of morals and values, it is a game of being popular! 

It isn't just in the name of religion they are silent, it is due to their own personal 'friendships' and relationships.

I know, for I lost alot of family and friends, to stand against abuse.

Vulnerability is a strength

It is interesting to me to have the visit with the woman of the Old Apostolic Church dovetail with the reading of the book by Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"....the two can't be more unalike!

What would be daring greatly within the Old Apostolic Church?

What would this woman have to do, to be daring?  

When you see her lack of self expression or control over her body and dress (literally dress), you can appreciate how daring she is...for she is speaking to me, a non-church member about her secrets (shame).

She is not daring enough to wear pants or color her hair, but she is daring enough to tell me, even though she felt the fear of disconnection if others knew.  Being with me is a dare and risk to her comfortable life...of fitting in.

When Brene Brown speaks of vulnerability, she speaks about shame.  Shame is the fear of disconnection.  We fear being vulnerable for if we speak up, we will become disconnected.

This woman will go through great constraints to match, to be connected to the church, she has given up her rights about her body and dress and capitulates in order to be connected. 

What is interesting and vastly intriguing and telling, is that it is NOT the secret they fear or are afraid to tell, it is the avalanche of reject to follow.

I know this to be true.

It is what keeps shame running strong, for we fear most being alone.

If you tell, you will lose the tribe's approval.

What was even more shocking than finding out my father abused me and the churches non response, was my rejection by my family.

Their own fear of being vulnerable, of standing in the light of day with their own secrets, had them moving away from me.  

I always wondered, "what did my do", as my son used to say....that had them pushed so far back.  I stood with my shame pooling at my feet, all the things I had wanted to hide, were now exposed....and instead of hiding, I stood tall in the midst of it all. Naked, exposed and completely vulnerable.

And it felt just like that.  

And oddly it didn't make me weaker, but it made me stronger.

Like Brene says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is a strength."

What I have noticed about the women of these extreme religions is that they believe the opposite....just like everyone else, that they are not allowed to show their secrets, for they will become annihilated.

In fact, it is their shield and armour to have grey hair and all dress alike, they hide in the sea of being connected by how they look, act and believe.  What they fear the most is standing out, alone...disconnected.

They will bare the weight of the untold story, of keeping secret secrets, anything to not disconnect from the herd....while being totally disconnected to their self.

While I thought it was the story or the reputation of the man they held sacred, it was actually their own fear of being shunned.

It gets tangled in the mind the protecting of pedophiles with the fear of rejection...how you will have to trade being alone for standing up against abuse.

Who wants to purposefully stand out, negatively.

Shame isn't about the dirtiness of the secret, but the feelings of being alone...if you were to share.  

What I am always surprised and then not so much...is that popularity and being liked will more often than not trump doing what is right.

I guess intrinsically we are programmed to connect and be loved and death woud be more preferable than being shunned and rejected.

And, even being connected to the wrong bunch of people is better than being alone.

There is another part of shame that correlates with the churches image....Perfection.

While I know they would greatly defend and oppose what I am going to say, it is so.

They believe that must be perfect in order to get to heaven, so anything that mares this surface has to be kept silent.  They need to be sinless, while saying it is impossible. They need to project the perfect family while perfection is impossible.  

I recall hollering at my kids believing perfection was possible while failing the perfect mother test.

This mind-set and belief that they are better than, the righter church, the best narrow path to God, has them shamefully hiding any imperfection....and shame flourishes with secrets and hiding.

So, they are sitting in a conundrum...where truth and disconnection are battling.

The only way we can save the children is to dare greatly and be disconnected and to stand as one vulnerable exposing our secrets.  

"We are only as sick as our secrets" is a quote I have heard...

The church and its families are as sick as their secrets...

Imagine the group energies that are at work to keep perfection...are literally weakening the churches foundations...the smallest members, the children.

What I know is that when I became vulnerable and shed my secrets, my mothering softened and was filled with empathy.  The more vulnerable I became, the less perfection I demanded.

I am way okay with imperfections...shame thrives as long as you strive for perfection.

Perfection is a weakness and Vulnerability is a strength....

 

Shame

"Vulnerability sounds like truth, and feels like courage." 

In Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the way we live, love and parent..." she writes about the difference between shame and guilt.

"When we apologize for something we've done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn't align with our values, guilt - not shame - is most often the driving force.  We feel guilty when we hold up something we've done or failed to do against our values and find they don't match.  It's an uncomfortable feeling, but one that's helpful. The psychological discomfort, something similar to cognitive dissonance, is what motivates meaningful change.  Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame's is destructive. In fact, in my research I found that shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better."

"We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but its dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.  Researchers don't find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all - there are no data to support shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors that it is to be the solution."

"Again, it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we're hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.  In the chapters on parenting, leadership and education, we'll explore how shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement, and what we can do to cultivate cultures of worthiness, vulnerability, and shame resilience."

"Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein captures the difference between shame and humiliation when he writes, "People believe they deserve their shame; they do not deserve their humiliation."  If John is in a meeting with his colleagues and his boss, and his boss calls him a loser because of his inability to close a sale, John will probably experience that as either shame or humiliation."

"If John's self-talk is "God, I am a loser. I'm a failure" that's shame.  If his self-talk is "Man, my boss is so out of control. This is ridiculous. I don't deserve this" - that's humiliation. Humiliation feels terrible and makes for miserable work or home environment and if it's ongoing, it can certainly become shame if we start to buy into the messaging. It is however, still better than shame.  Rather than internalizing the "loser" comment, John saying to himself, "This isn't about me." When we do that it's less likely that we'll shut down, act out, or fight back. We stay aligned with our values while trying to solve the problem."

"Embarrassment is the least serious of the four emotions. It's normally fleeting and it can eventually be funny.  The hallmark of embarrassment is that when we do something embarrassing, we don't feel alone.  We know other folks have done the same thing and like a blush, it will pass rather than define us."

"Getting familiar with the language is an important start to understanding shame. It is the part of the first element of what I call shame resilience."

I Get It. Shame Is Bad. So What Do We Do About It?

"The answer is shame resilience. Note that shame resisitance is not possible. As long as we care about connection, the fear of disconnection will always be a powerful force in our lives, and the pain caused by shame will always be real. But here's the good news. In all my studies, I've found that men and women with high levels of shame resilience have four things in common - I call them the elements of shame resilience. Learning to put these elements into action is what I call "Gremlin Ninja Warrior training."

"We'll go through each of the four elements, but first I want to explain what I mean by shame resilience. I mean the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection that we had going into it.  Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy - the real antidote to shame."

If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive. Self-compassion is also critically important, but because shame is a social concept - it happens between people- it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm. Self-compassion is key because when we're able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we're more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy."

"To get to empathy, we have to first know what we're dealing with. Here are four elements of shame resilience - the steps don't always happen in this order, but they always ultimately lead us to empathy and healing."

1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers. Shame is biology and biography. Can you physically recognize when you're in the grips of shame, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it?

2. Practicing Critical Awareness. Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are they realistic? Attainable? Are they what you want to be or what you think others need/want from you?

3. Reaching Out. Are you owning and sharing your story? We can't experience empathy if we're not connecting.

4. Speaking Shame. Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame?

"According to Dr. Hartling, in order to deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame. (like sending really mean e-mails). Most of us use all of these - at different times with different folks for different reasons. Yet all of these strategies move us away from connection - they are strategies for disconnecting for the pain of shame."  Brene Brown

A book about daring greatly through our shame.

 

"Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen."  Brene Brown

Without Morals or Values

"How can I go forward when I don't know which way I am facing."  John Lennon

The women of the FALC and the OALC churches are women of strength.  They will endure and suffer beyond your imaginations to uphold the core values of the church...their faith.

They are faith full women.

They will carve their families into patterns that will fit into the church and cut off those that won't.

They are women of strong constitution, only the constitution they uphold separates them from their Self...they are not a self, they are part of the church.

But what happens when their children fall through the cracks, while they are tending to the needs of the church? What happens when being a faithful member and being a mother are at odds?  

Being a mother and doing what is right for the child first is not an option or a choice as far as these women are concerned.  

I know, for my mother was/is a strong christian woman whose faith is of the utmost importance...when the chips are down, she will always save her soul before the lives of her children.

She will always do first what the church needs...before even considering another option. The church is her go to problem solving place...and will abide and follow its teachings, EVEN if it means "Blessing a pedophile"...and serving HIS needs before the victim.  I know this too, for she stayed married to my pedophile father for 49 years, and was 'counseled' by her preacher.

He (preacher) knew and never sought the law, nor encouraged her to seek it as well. Nor do I recall a word mentioned about therapy for her or her children...

Abuse was handled in the ways of the church and she was a good christian and abided its ways...turning her back on motherly instincts....she instead lived her life with the church leading the way.

A follower of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church...

And, I know she isn't alone. The church pews are filled with women just like her, who will first consult the church before making a choice, and in fact the only choices available are from the church, there is no other outside option.

In looking at how this ideology affects abuse is that the child and victim is second or third in line when decision time comes along.  Faith if first, man is second....and then child.

When the church believes in forgiving the man, the child is never seen.  For you can't deal with the abuse of the child, if you blessed the man, for you are unable to address his sins upon the child, for those sins have been blessed and released. And I am fairly certain, that no church body has ever reported abuse to the laws of the land.

So criminal sins are not addressed. I know, that if a body died via a sin, then it would be pretty hard to just bless the sin and go on, for you have to do some thing with the dead body. But in the case of child abuse, the sins were upon a child. 

And, a child's voice within the church and family structures is without a vote...

What the laws of the land are expecting is for the child to come forth and tell.  To come forth and speak of a sin, that their mother blessed away, to stand against family and church for their own self...and to prosecute and speak against adults and members of the church...to shout to have a vote and a voice. 

It isn't the strong women who need to turn in their faith in order for abuse to stop, but for the children who have never been able to make a decision about their lives, to go against church and family and make one, about abuse.

About being sexually abused.

To speak out about things the church doesn't speak about.

To reveal 'dirty' things about an 'upstanding' church member. To rip their mother's faith from them, to leave the communtiy and trust in the ones who they have been taught are evil.

How will these children find the strength to do this?  

The laws of this land, are expecting children of abuse to come forth, and until this happens, we adults within the community and those within the churches can know and do nothing. Nothing.  The child has to be the one leading the charge.

To charge that they were sexually abused...by a church member and they will not have the support of their mothers...just like me.  For their mothers clutch more tightly their faith than the well being of their children.

And, the child knows this.

It is like the whole structure is completely turned on its head...where the child is not protected but left out in the cold.  No one is there to stand up for the child.  

I have felt that my life was just a residual affect of my mother not wanting to sin and take birth control, it wasn't that she wanted children, she didn't want to sin.  So, my life was never precious, or at least not at the same value as her faith.  And, my life experiences have proven this so.

Waiting for the church to begin valuing its children will be a long wait.

It will take a revolution of the children to tip this over.

Maybe one day the FALC and OALC will have their Penn State day, where the out pouring of victims will bleed their value to its rightful place...without morals or values.