It is interesting to me to have the visit with the woman of the Old Apostolic Church dovetail with the reading of the book by Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"....the two can't be more unalike!
What would be daring greatly within the Old Apostolic Church?
What would this woman have to do, to be daring?
When you see her lack of self expression or control over her body and dress (literally dress), you can appreciate how daring she is...for she is speaking to me, a non-church member about her secrets (shame).
She is not daring enough to wear pants or color her hair, but she is daring enough to tell me, even though she felt the fear of disconnection if others knew. Being with me is a dare and risk to her comfortable life...of fitting in.
When Brene Brown speaks of vulnerability, she speaks about shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection. We fear being vulnerable for if we speak up, we will become disconnected.
This woman will go through great constraints to match, to be connected to the church, she has given up her rights about her body and dress and capitulates in order to be connected.
What is interesting and vastly intriguing and telling, is that it is NOT the secret they fear or are afraid to tell, it is the avalanche of reject to follow.
I know this to be true.
It is what keeps shame running strong, for we fear most being alone.
If you tell, you will lose the tribe's approval.
What was even more shocking than finding out my father abused me and the churches non response, was my rejection by my family.
Their own fear of being vulnerable, of standing in the light of day with their own secrets, had them moving away from me.
I always wondered, "what did my do", as my son used to say....that had them pushed so far back. I stood with my shame pooling at my feet, all the things I had wanted to hide, were now exposed....and instead of hiding, I stood tall in the midst of it all. Naked, exposed and completely vulnerable.
And it felt just like that.
And oddly it didn't make me weaker, but it made me stronger.
Like Brene says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is a strength."
What I have noticed about the women of these extreme religions is that they believe the opposite....just like everyone else, that they are not allowed to show their secrets, for they will become annihilated.
In fact, it is their shield and armour to have grey hair and all dress alike, they hide in the sea of being connected by how they look, act and believe. What they fear the most is standing out, alone...disconnected.
They will bare the weight of the untold story, of keeping secret secrets, anything to not disconnect from the herd....while being totally disconnected to their self.
While I thought it was the story or the reputation of the man they held sacred, it was actually their own fear of being shunned.
It gets tangled in the mind the protecting of pedophiles with the fear of rejection...how you will have to trade being alone for standing up against abuse.
Who wants to purposefully stand out, negatively.
Shame isn't about the dirtiness of the secret, but the feelings of being alone...if you were to share.
What I am always surprised and then not so much...is that popularity and being liked will more often than not trump doing what is right.
I guess intrinsically we are programmed to connect and be loved and death woud be more preferable than being shunned and rejected.
And, even being connected to the wrong bunch of people is better than being alone.
There is another part of shame that correlates with the churches image....Perfection.
While I know they would greatly defend and oppose what I am going to say, it is so.
They believe that must be perfect in order to get to heaven, so anything that mares this surface has to be kept silent. They need to be sinless, while saying it is impossible. They need to project the perfect family while perfection is impossible.
I recall hollering at my kids believing perfection was possible while failing the perfect mother test.
This mind-set and belief that they are better than, the righter church, the best narrow path to God, has them shamefully hiding any imperfection....and shame flourishes with secrets and hiding.
So, they are sitting in a conundrum...where truth and disconnection are battling.
The only way we can save the children is to dare greatly and be disconnected and to stand as one vulnerable exposing our secrets.
"We are only as sick as our secrets" is a quote I have heard...
The church and its families are as sick as their secrets...
Imagine the group energies that are at work to keep perfection...are literally weakening the churches foundations...the smallest members, the children.
What I know is that when I became vulnerable and shed my secrets, my mothering softened and was filled with empathy. The more vulnerable I became, the less perfection I demanded.
I am way okay with imperfections...shame thrives as long as you strive for perfection.
Perfection is a weakness and Vulnerability is a strength....
