As a parent, I am always interested in how what we do or perhaps what we don't do impacts our children.
In reading Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly", she writes about the connections between parents behavior and how it affects the child.
"There's no question that our behavior, thinking, and emotions are both hardwired within us and influenced by our environment. I wouldn't hazard a guess on the percentages, and I'm convinced that we'll never have a precise nature/nurture breakdown. I have no doubt, however, that when it comes to our sense of love, belonging, and worthiness, we are most radically shaped by our families of origin - what we hear, what we are told, and perhaps most importantly, how we observe our parents engaging with the world."
"As parents, we may have less control than we think over temperament and personality, and less control than we want over the scarcity culture. But we do have powerful parenting opportunities in other areas: how we help our children understand, leverage, and appreciate their hardwiring, and how we teach them resilience in the face of relentless "never enough" culture messages. In terms of teaching our children to dare greatly in the "never enough" culture, the question isn't so much, "Are you parenting the right way?" as it is: "Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?"
"As Joseph Chilton Pearce writes, "What we are teaches the child more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become."
Here is a list that she wrote about raising Wholehearted children....
"If Wholeheartedness is the goal, then above all else we should strive to raise children who:
- Engage with the world from a place of worthiness
- Embrace their vulnerabilites
- Feel a deep sense of love and compassion for themselves and others
- Value hard work, perserverance, and respect
- Carry a sense of authenticity and belonging with them, rather than searching for it in external places
- Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable and creative
- Don't fear feeling ashamed or unlovable if they are different or if they are struggling
- Move through our rapidly changing world with courage and a resilient spirit
For Parents this means we are called upon to:
- Acknowledge that we can't give our children what we don't have and so we must let them share in our journey to grow, change, and learn
- Recognize our own armor and model for our children how to take it off, be vulnerable, show up, and let ourselves be seen and known
- Honor our children by continuing on our own journeys toward Wholeheartedness
- Parent from a place of "enough" rather than scarcity
- Mind the gap and practice the values we want to teach
- Dare greatly, possibly more than we've ever dared before
"In other words, if we want our children to love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are. We can't use fear and shame, blame and judgment in our own lives if we want to raise courageous children. Compassion and connection - the very things that give purpose and meaning to our lives - can only be learned if they are experienced. And our families are the first opportunities to experience these things." Brene Brown
In the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to visit with and observe mothers and daughters, and even women who shared their lives with me, and what is so striking is how they are expecting change to happen to the next generation; that they themselves are either unwilling to do that which they expect their children to do or expect more from their children then is possible for them to do.
I can clearly see how legacy is created and handed down.
When the generation that raises the child doesn't hold themselves responsible for how the way they live IMPACTS their children. When it is the only place change happens.
It happens with you.
I have seen women lament about "when will this abuse end"....while holding tightly to the same "faith" of her mother...on one hand and passing it on to her daughters on the other. A relay race of no change.
Who will have the strength to change the legacy?
Which generation will finally understand that change begins with me.
To be a rebel and not grab the baton that is handed to you by your mother.
The baton wrapped in generation upon generation of folks who didn't want to make waves, to stop blaming others and start acting different...to begin to begin seeing how and where the real responsibility lies.
Knowing you are responsible for the outcome of your children by what you do, not what you say....by how you live in your own life...will be how they will live in theirs.
I was in shock and awe to see generations of women blind to how they pass on their weaknesses...and not their strengths. Wanting strong daughters while being too weak to change.
It has been the greatest, toughest, most terrifying thing to do, to go completely against my mother, but I am hopeful that I started to change the legacy for the women in my lineage...I intuitively knew and felt that IF I wanted this for my daughters, I had to do it myself.
