My mother turned 80 today, or so I was told. I have lost track of her age, as well of her life. She seems a mirage out on the far horizon, behind me...detached from daily emotions. But, I do know, if I were to be in her presence, a multitude of feelings would rush through my body. Not the waterfall of love, light and comfort, but the opposite.
I wonder if I will ever be able to feel neutral, nothing, no ripple, to be 'social'.
In the Fall, my middle daughter will marry....and she (my mother) is invited. It is only for one day, a few hours, a fleeting moment in time, yet a special loving one for my daughter and our family. Interesting to be part of a Mother/Daughter moment...one being the daughter and the other the mother....
My daughter is free to invite whom she wants at her wedding...some of which will be hard for me to be around. Perhaps hard is not the accurate word...but difficult or challenging...
I have a hard time seeing her role there. I understand 'grandmother' is her title and right...and yet I don't see her as that.
My daughter sees a grandmother, I see an accomplice...an active participant to abuse of many little girls. I can't feel warm, fuzzy or ap-pathetic towards her or even neutral and social. My vision of her, my memories are tainted, sordid...unkind. I don't feel her like a grandmother, a safe place, kind heart and comfort. I feel her as painful, hurt, uncaring, not kind, psychotic.
The contrast of emotions set forth for that day boggle my mind...how to anticipate, look forward to such contrasts of emotions...to be in the middle between my daughter and I and my mother and I?
Harsh cold on one side and warm love on the other...
I know my role is mother of the bride, not daughter.
I am to place my estrangement with my mother off to the side.
My estrangement with my siblings as some will find the need to attend.
I am to keep facing the future and love.
It is like a real life event of what goes on in our psyches...the negative energies begging to be on stage front and center...and loving kindness, peace, love and joy.
Just as today, her birthday, I turn away from the past and lean into my life of estrangement but not to be overwhelmed with negative emotions. Not to get caught up on the thoughts of her...and to see instead the wonder and beauty of this spring. To feel the peace in my home, to well up with emotions of love towards my husband and children...looking ahead, and not behind.
Estrangement means you will sometimes be on the fault line...
